Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you.

It sounds like your intuition is leading the way with the healing work you are doing at the moment. You are making such a lot of progress, to be able to start looking through things connected with your parents is a big leap and a good measuring stick for how far you have come in a short time.

I had not expected to hear you are considering an interstate move, I hope your trip gives you a good feel for the new environment you are thinking of. It will be a big move if you decide to go interstate, do you have a lot of stuff to move?

I still have not unpacked a large number of boxes, it feels like a mountain to deal with and can't get motivated to make a start. I know I would feel so much better if it was done, just the getting started is the problem. There are so many things that I have been missing but have no idea which boxes to look in, it doesn't help that a lot are in storage because there is no room in the house. I brought a 2 bedroom villa and a 3 bedroom house worth of stuff with me into a 3 bedroom house - it just does not compute 😅. Hence I am constantly walking side ways around things and doing my best not to trip myself up. Now that we are officially in Spring, maybe I will get a bit more motivated to do a spring clean.

I agree, our circumstances and experiences have been different, but the end result is similar. I have a friend who is in the same boat as well. She recently lost her father who had a heart attack while travelling overseas, her mother has dementia and has some distorted idea that she is her enemy, and her brother is using that against her, (much like my sister would) so she is feeling she has no family either. Sounds like my friend has some generational healing to do as well. I suspect there are many of us on the planet at this time who are here to do likewise.

I look forward to hearing how your trip went.

Hope you are having a good week,

indigo 💜

[indigo22]

I think my post is help up this time. I forgot to say that I have not seen my therapist as yet so not sure if she found anyone but I will be seeing her this week.

[Scared]

In relation to " following the bread crumbs "

Today with the psychiatrist I didnt want to follow the bread crumbs.

I wanted to have it out right here right now.  If I have some trauma then come out and show me why Im suffering so much.  I was angry with it . Dont make me suffer like this hiding the missing link making me beg and crawl for answers.

Dont you wish if there is some trauma we could just come out and identify it.  Why are our brains being cryptic when its our health our only life we will ever have

Its like my brain is not my friend and I dont accept my brain as my friend or allie its my enemy and Im calling it out and I reject my mind.

There is nothing admirable beautiful about any mind that suffocates life so cruelly .  I dont want to hurt people and I sure as hell didnt ask for this nor deserve it.

I want to get a job be productive dare to have a goal  Will my brain allow me , of course not.  My brain just sits there producing poison contributes nothing and eats my food gets a pillow for gods sake and gets up and kicks me in the teeth for breakfast.  How can love anybody love my brain other than my enemy

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

Your box situation sounds so much like mine! I also have no idea where certain missing items are. I opened the most needed ones such as kitchen items and clothing, then hit a wall and others have sat there now for almost two and a half years. Some are in my garage with probably some dampness exposure, but I’ve simply been unable to deal with it. But something about wanting to move is making it feel more possible now. I think I’m moving towards letting go of the past.

Until about 6 weeks ago I had no idea I’d be considering moving interstate either. But it just crystallised in a very clear way. I’m exhausted tonight and have been quite unwell, so it’s a struggle organising things as leaving for the city tomorrow then catching a plane the next day. I will explore over there and get a feel for things. I think it will be really good for me to have a change of scene. I’m only there 5 days but looking forward to it and I think I’ll start feeling better as just being somewhere new will lift me.

I feel so sorry for your friend. It’s hard enough losing her dad so it’s so much harder to have those other issues compounding that. I had an aunty who developed dementia and it was a similar scenario. She decided her most loving son who had supported her for years was the enemy and his evil half sister, who had been estranged from her mother for years, manipulated the situation to control the inheritance. In the end I have learned that even if you are abandoned and profoundly let down by family, you can stand tall and have peace in your heart knowing that you’ve genuinely loved and cared for others.

Drinking coffee now which I don’t normally do at night, but I know it helps my dopamine neurons which are seriously inactive at present. I just have to get through my dishes and finish packing.

I hope you are having a lovely week too 😊🙏

[Croix]

Dear Scared (with a wave to Indigo)~

I"m not sure I can give you  a direct answer to your post, but then I don't regard my brain as an enemy, just a right pain.

You did sort of ask why trauma can't simply listed in front of you, and seem frustrated that you are being lead along a path.

I do know htat my mind does suppress or forget some traumatic events and experiences. Either they have totally disappeared or are remembered as things  I can talk about clinically wiht little feeling.

Much later some things have surfaced, and it has not been pleasant wiht flashbacks putting me back in the event, or being engrossed in the experience to the excusion of people and current matters. Not pleasant.

When I've asked why did they delay in appearing my psych has told me they come to hte forefront of my mind when I can cope with htem, even if with difficulty. A sort of protection mechanism.

Very early on wiht a different psych efforts were made to make me realise what had happened. This was totally overwhelming and I ceased doing it.

I'm not sure how this fits with your annoyance at breadcrumbs, I hope I'm talking about the same sort of thing.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Scared,

I’m sorry I missed your post as you must have posted while I was typing mine. I’m glad Croix has seen it and offered support. I’ve been learning to understand how my brain and nervous system are trying to help me, as much as it often seems the opposite. I’m running out of time to organise things as I’m travelling tomorrow, don’t is a bit hard to fully explain now, but I will try to respond with a better answer for you when I get a chance in the next couple of days or so.

Take good care,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hello again Scared (and wave to Croix and indigo),

I thought I would mention that similar to what Croix describes, I have found there is a protective mechanism that can prevent us from knowing some trauma directly, at least for quite a while, until we are able to start dealing with it. I’ve learned that certain parts of memory get fragmented off and aren’t always accessible to our conscious mind. They often come out in other ways such as in somatic symptoms and emotions and feelings that are kind of amorphous. There is a book I’ve found helpful called Trauma and Memory by Peter Levine that deals with a lot of these issues.

I used to feel similar to you in that it felt like my brain and body were working against me. For me this is connected with experiences from early childhood onwards in which I didn’t feel safe right from the start. I’ve been very hard on myself for most of my life. But I’m beginning to recognise this part, sometimes called the inner critic, and begin to develop a kinder voice towards myself. Not a day goes by where the inner critic doesn’t give me at least a bit of a hard time, but I catch it when it’s happening now and begin to have caring and supportive thoughts and feelings towards myself instead. I have found beginning to integrate traumatic memories has helped with this as well.

I wonder if it would help you to just sit quietly and see if you can let the pace of thoughts slow down and see and feel what arises? I sometimes find things feel most tumultuous just before a breakthrough, and some of those unintegrated memory fragments become clear in a manner that is tolerable even if emotional. The important thing is to go gently with yourself and not put yourself under pressure. I think being able to feel tender kindness towards yourself can help to bring forth awareness. That awareness may start with puzzle pieces in the forms of images, sensations, emotions etc that gradually start to make sense. If feeling things is too much, remember to ground yourself in the here and now. Just notice how it feels where you’re sitting, what you can see in the room, hear inside or outside etc. Sometimes our minds are so hectic and hypervigilant as they are trying very hard to solve things and make us safe based on past experiences. When we ground more in the present we can let go of some of the hypervigilance and it is often then that some new insight and awareness emerges.

I hope that makes some kind of sense in relation to you trying to follow the breadcrumbs. Take good care of yourself.

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

How was the trip? Looking forward to hearing if you found it compatible with what you are looking for.

I hope you are well and having a good week,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

Thank you, the trip was good in that I think it’s always good to get away for a while and have new experiences. It was also very challenging as I was quite ill in the days leading up to it. I reduced one of the hormone meds just before leaving as it’s causing extremely severe histamine intolerance so I couldn’t keep any meals down. But as soon as I reduced it the severe depression came straight back. I did my best to use seeing new places and going out with my camera which I love doing to counter the depression. It did help somewhat.

As far as compatibility, I flew to Melbourne which is a city I’ve spent time in before and I really enjoy being there. As I’m looking for somewhere that feels inclusive, it definitely ticks that box. You can be yourself any way you want there. In fact on my first day I saw a large man walking down the street in a bright pink tutu outfit 😂 No one bats an eyelid. It’s also so multicultural and full of life and people were friendly everywhere I went. I feel at home there, even and especially in the CBD. But I also ventured to Geelong which I also liked, but wondered if it may be harder to connect with people there. I’m obviously feeling isolated right now and wanted to find a sense of belonging. I then spent a few days exploring other areas of Melbourne. I found a couple of areas I liked, one in particular.

But after all that, I’m realising the cost of moving and the effort may be too much for me. Housing is astronomically expensive everywhere now. And flying back on the plane looking down on WA I realise I do have a strong sense of connection to places here. I could see towns I visited last year on my road trip and had this sense of comforting familiarity and that I feel a sense of belonging with the landscapes here, even if I’m feeling isolated in other ways.

So I’m realising I might be better staying here than putting myself through the stress of trying to move interstate. I may move back to the city here or to a larger town. But anything I do I can only do gradually. I’m showing definitive signs of developing lupus now, including the distinctive butterfly rash it causes. The autoimmune liver disease I have is known to be a precursor for it and vice versa. I’m waking up feeling very ill every morning. So I know I have limitations and have to navigate them. I feel like isolation is contributing to the autoimmune issues in my body, like it’s attacking itself because of not feeling safe where I am. But even moving here within WA will take much effort, so I just have to do things slowly and gently.

How are things with you indigo? I hope things have been settling a bit as I know you went through a bit of a tumultuous time there with feelings coming up from some of the therapy things you were doing. I sometimes find a period of unsettledness precedes some new clarity or insight. So I hope maybe some things will progressively crystallise or shine some new paths for you. 

Take good care and I’d love to hear how you’re going too.

Hugs 🤗

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

The hormone balancing seems to be a very fine line for you between feeling well and feeling unwell. I am sorry to hear you are experiencing more autoimmune issues, you seem to be taking two steps forward and one back but I do feel you will get on top of all these things in time.

It's so funny that Melbourne was where you were talking about. I grew up in the Western Suburbs and moved to the Northern Suburbs for a few years until I returned to care for mum. I never liked going to the city, it was always too much for me, too busy, too fast paced, etc. But in general, even in the suburbs, the traffic and fast pace was stressful and detrimental to my health. I am now in the Southern part of the state and don't enjoy going back to Melbourne. There are some lovely seaside towns past Geelong but as you said the cost of housing is very high and I had to keep looking further and further from Melbourne to find a place I could afford.

I am happy here, I just wish I could afford to fix up the house, a lot of work needs doing, weather boards, etc. and the inside needs some work as well. It's a 100 year old Edwardian style house with high ceiling which I love, the new houses lack any character and look like boxes to me. But I have a roof over my head and I feel safe here, for me that is the important thing. The population is about 10,000 but is quite spread out so it doesn't feel that big. I can get most things here, and those I can't, there are larger towns about an hours drive away where I can get them. I just wanted to be close to the ocean and I am here, so it ticks a lot of boxes for me.

I am connecting more with my body again, I have started doing something that I haven't done for about 20 years and that is full body stretching in the morning, I forgot how good it feels after sleeping. I was unaware of how dissociated I had become from my body until I started working with this therapist.

I had an insight during my last session which we are going to work on next. It doesn't feel safe for me to be happy, every time I have managed to feel some degree of happiness, I have then had to deal with another round of grief. I think I just gave up hope that I could ever be happy, that it was not on the cards for me so to speak. I am sure there are many more limiting beliefs hiding under the surface that need to worked on as well.

My therapist said she has looked for a replacement and found one who she thought would be ideal but does not have any openings in her schedule. She is still looking but I may need to find someone myself from a list of different therapy suggestions that she will provide. It is only for one year, so I am not too concerned as there are things I can do myself in her absence now that I know what needs to be done and these days a year seems to gone in the blink of an eye.

I hope you can find your ideal place to live in the near future and begin to feel safe, I know that needs to be a priority for you as it was for me. Even just getting away for a few trips in the coming weeks will likely help you to feel better and may be instrumental in finding the right place for you.

I hope you feel better soon, thinking of you.

indigo 💜