Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo,

Yes, the hormone balance really is a fine line. I'm on a forum talking to other women and some are gong through exactly the same issues. So at least we can support one another. I have to just keep practising patience and perseverance in working through it. I think major imbalances in my nervous system function from the beginning of life have also contributed to hormonal imbalances that have probably been behind many health struggles I've had over many years.

That's interesting you are from Melbourne. I can understand why you would find the city overwhelming and in fact when I first visited Melbourne aged 17 I didn't like it all. It was way too noisy, busy and polluted from me. A couple of days after being in the city we were in the Dandenong Ranges and looking down towards Melbourne and we could see a heavy, thick smog sitting over it. But then I went there in 2013 and I actually really enjoyed being in the city that time and I really did this time as well. I felt much less lonely among the crowds of people than I have been feeling in my small town. I could just be me there and feel safe. However, I think living in the busy city may be too much for me over time. I love the Great Ocean Road and the Otway Ranges where I also went when I was 17. However, there is nothing there in the coastal towns where I could afford to live. That's why I was thinking of Geelong where there are some one bedroom units that I could afford if I sell where I am now. I would be just over an hour by train from Melbourne and a relatively short drive to the beautiful nature places of south-western Victoria. I can understand why you would have had to keep looking further and further afield to find a place you could afford to live. It is truly incredible now how it's becoming almost impossible to find affordability. But I am very glad you found a place near the ocean.

The morning stretching you are doing is such a good idea. Sometimes my body does it spontaneously but often I'm hypervigilant even on waking so I don't necessarily go into that. If I do find myself stretching I always know that's a good sign, that my body is relaxing and seeking balance and equilibrium. Animals are so good at doing stretching when they wake up. I think that's one reason it's good to be around them as they remind us what is naturally good for us.

It's good you have had the insight about not feeling safe to be happy. Often things like that reflect past experiences where perhaps it wasn't entirely safe to be happy then, but our system somehow repeats the pattern into the future when it might be quite safe to be happy. I think going through rounds of grief is also exhausting and it can make it hard for us to know that the experience of happiness is possible. I still deal with bouts of grief daily but what I have noticed is it is becoming a more tender grief instead of an all-consuming destructive grief. So it feels less intractable. The tenderness I would describe as like sadness vs depression. Sadness to me is emotion moving through that feels tender as it does so. Depression is heavy and stagnant. So I feel like once there is movement with grief and that tender feeling is present, it is a sign of healing. I find tenderness is also associated with greater kindness towards myself. I hope there is a way you can begin to gently allow the happiness in and feel that tenderness towards your grief, if that makes any sense? I think as the grief becomes more gentle, a space opens up for happiness.

I hope you can find a good replacement therapist, but as you say there are other things you can do to take care of yourself too over the next year. I think just having a few things going on in your life that you know are supportive and healing for you can keep you going and moving in the direction you want to.

I'm not doing any more trips like what I just did getting on a plane in the near future as I can't keep travelling at present, but I will be housesitting looking after fluffy cat again soon which will be really good for me. Doing photography helps me so much as well and it is something I always have to look forward to.

I hope you are having a lovely weekend indigo and thinking of you too.

Warm hugs 🤗

ER

[indigo22]

HI ER,

I am so glad you have the chat group to support you through the ups and downs with the hormone therapy.

I am sure it helps to know that you are not going through this alone and I agree that not having a safe start to life has been the catalyst for many of the health issues you have had to deal with. I have witnessed your growth and healing in just the short time we have been communicating so I have no doubt you will eventually get on top of these health issues that have plagued you for so long. That is definitely my wish for you. 💜

I didn't mean long trips like you have just done, more the shorter trips you have done where you have spent time in nature. Its good you have the housesitting coming up. I haven't heard about fluffy cat, would love to know more about that.

My precious girl is fading away and I know I will be losing her soon. She has lost so much weight that I can feel every bone in her little body. I have an electric cushion that she loves, so she sits close to me on that during the day and in the evening I put the electric throw on and we both soak up the warmth while I read.

I should probably give a bit more detail to what I meant about not feeling safe to be happy. I am not still going through the grieving process now but when I think back over my life I can understand where this limiting belief came from. 

When my brother transferred to the High School that I would be going to the following year, he told me about a group at the school that put on musical plays each year and that I should look into it when I started the following year. He knew my interests and was supportive of me doing what wanted to do.

I did join the group and was in the plays each year and finally got the leading role but he never got to see that one because that was the year he died. I hated school for the most part but loved being part of the group of students and teachers, it felt like a surrogate family. When he died it was like all the joy was sucked out of my life and a very long grieving process took its place. It took many many years to come to terms with that loss.

When I was a little kid, I used to always be the one dancing to music even when no one else was. I never had a partner who enjoyed dancing, so when I was about 40, I started doing rock and roll and jive dancing and in a few months got to the point where I was so fit that I could dance for 3 hours straight and still have energy to keep going. I lost all my weight and was the same weight I was in my early 20s and I really felt like I had found something that made me happy again. It was at that point that my long term best friend died as suddenly as my brother did and I found myself going through another long grieving process. I was just coming to terms with that death when I had to make the decision to put my dad in a nursing home, at which point I had a full on breakdown. I gave up the one thing that still gave me any sense of happiness and left the band I had been singing in for 10 years because it just felt impossible to get up on stage and pretend everything was ok when it wasn't. After that it was one death after another and I think I just gave up on the idea of ever being happy again. It feels to me like I have spent more of my life in the state of grief than anything else.

Don't get me wrong, there have been moments of happiness when I have been in the company of good friends, but there has been no lasting happiness. I just hope that the work I do with my therapist next session will allow that to shift so I can get back to being creative again, something I haven't been for many years.

Sending warm hugs your way too,

indigo 🐈

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

It makes so much sense that it would be hard to trust the possibility of happiness when you have experienced multiple losses at those times in life where you were finding happiness. Sudden losses, in particular, come as a shock and shake the foundations of our life. I think we can develop an inner guardedness against trusting the possibility of something as we don't want to get hurt again. It's like a form of self-protection and it's very understandable.

It would be lovely to reconnect with something creative. I used to play guitar and write songs and it was such a healing thing for me. Then I had another traumatic experience and that part of me just died. I went from playing for hours daily to just not even opening my guitar case. So I do understand you giving up being in the band. It's very hard to perform when internally you are not ok. It can be like something internally feels broken.

Sometimes I think creativity returns maybe in a different form than before. For me, I had just gotten into photography at the time that I lost the capacity to play music. I'd been into photography when much younger and then it had just returned as a passion again. I'm still not entirely sure why I was able to continue with photography, but I think it may have been something I could do alone. Whereas with music I had been in songwriting groups and even performing at open mic nights. I didn't have to perform in an interpersonal way with photography. I could just immerse myself in that world alone. Also, singing meant a more outward expression of self, and that part of me now felt too broken to express in that way. It would be great if I could find my voice again and I'm sure it would be for you too.

I am wondering if creativity may return to you in a different form than you have known it previously? With your interest in healing I wonder if something like working with singing bowls and your voice may bring something back for you in relation to music and sound? It doesn't have to be something you do for others in the beginning, just for you. Of course you could move into healing work with others later if you wanted to, but as I'm learning for myself, often we have to really hone in on our own healing and just have that tender presence with our own feelings and healing needs.

Fluffy cat is my friend's mum's cat who I have done petsitting with quite a few times now. She is a grey, fluffy girl who is actually quite small but looks much bigger because of her luxuriant fur. They are so special aren't they. I know your precious girl is very important to you. It's so lovely to have their presence isn't it, while reading, resting etc. I sometimes have afternoon naps with fluffy cat and it is so comforting. I know it would be very hard to know your girl is getting later in her life now. Fluffy cat is 11 and still seems pretty ok at the moment, but I know may increasingly show the signs of ageing soon.

I was thinking about your brother supporting you to be in the musical play. I wonder if you can return to that feeling of support all these years later and reconnect with that? It is like a gift he gave you as he could see your interest and ability. I feel with those who have passed we can carry the beautiful things that they gave to us in our heart and it is like honouring them in a way, taking in that goodness and carrying it forward in a way that feels right for our life now.

I think also it's important to allow things to arise naturally rather than necessarily try to force ourselves to be creative. I've found if I can open a space in myself, which often involves allowing myself to feel things and then let things go (past pain), certain creative impulses, ideas etc naturally begin to emerge. Often that letting go is a drawn out process, but as my mind and body are less contracted around pain, I become more open to experience and new possibilities open up. I still have much pain that I'm working through, but I think even that working through process sometimes gives rise to creativity as we gain new insights along the way.

Take care and warm hugs 🤗🐱

[Eagle Ray]

Hello indigo,

I thought I would just check in and see how you are going?

Today I watched a couple of sessions from The Energy That Heals Summit and I was thinking of you and wondering if you had watched any of it. I don't think I'm going to get to watch much of it at all but have enjoyed the two things I did watch. One was Shamini Jain talking with Amikaeyla Gaston about music and healing which was really good. And the other was Shamini doing a tapping session with David Feinstein. As a viewer you were invited to join the tapping exercise if you wanted to. I was able to do this and found it helpful. I did have an unhelpful tapping experience in the past with a practitioner I found stressful that put me off, but seem to feel more ok with it now and felt like I benefited from participating today. I know you have done it before.

Anyway, I hope all is well.

Hugs to you 🤗

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Talk about synchronicity, I had just watched the tapping session and then checked my email and saw you had left a message. I'm glad you tried it out and felt you got something from the tapping, perhaps you can add it to the work with your psych when appropriate

I have been watching each day, only certain ones though, probably 3 from each day. Sue Morter is always worth watching as is Bruce Lipton (too late to catch his talk now on the summit).

This is my first time on the forums for a few weeks, I lost my beautiful girl about 3 weeks ago and have been in a funk ever since. The house just feels wrong without her energy and it took me until yesterday to be able to move her bowls. It's a fine line between grieving and depression so not sure what I have been feeling but I am slowly feeling better. She had lost so much weight that she was a shadow of her former self and I could feel every bone in her little body. She started bleeding and the vet felt a lump in her bladder that should not be there. Without further testing we can't be certain, but it looks like she probably had bladder cancer that had metastasised to her lungs (causing the breathing problems) and who knows where else.

It was the best and kindest thing for her even though it was definitely not the best thing for me to make that decision. She was just a couple of weeks shy of 16yo and I miss her presence a great deal. I told her to go and be with my brother because he loved animals and he would look after her until I saw her again. I have since had confirmation that she is with him and is fine.

How are things with you, have you had any more ideas of a place you might like to relocate to. How was your house sitting with fluffy cat?

Thank you for reaching out, I have been thinking about getting back on the forum but was just feeling lost.

I hope you are having a good week and hugs to you also.

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hello indigo,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful girl. I'm sure you did the right thing by her but it doesn't make it any easier to go through. I know she was so special to you. I'm glad you had her companionship for those almost 16 years and I'm sure you gave her a wonderful life just as she was so meaningful to you. I hope as the weeks go by the difficult feelings gradually ease. I totally understand about not moving her bowls. It takes a lot to process a loss and it's important to take as much time as you need. It is so lovely to know she is with your brother. Go gently and sending you a supportive hug 💗

That's funny that you had just watched the tapping session! Yes, I think I could probably do it with my psych now. She actually tried with me 2 years ago but I had this adverse reaction because of the previous bad experience with it (not anything my psych was doing). But I think that might be out of my system now and I would be able to use it in therapy.

I very much enjoyed my time with fluffy cat. I also had a lovely time catching up with my friend and her 18 month old, but as babies often do her daughter had picked up a bug and I was sick shortly after returning home. But the worst thing has been severe histamine intolerance which has led me to have to drop the HRT, as the oestrogen and histamine build each other up in the body. It got so bad I couldn't keep food down. As I obviously have this tendency for histamine intolerance I may have to stop the HRT permanently. I've also stopped a med I've been on for pain since 2005 because it blocks the break down of histamine. So I've gone cold turkey with these things and going through a kind of detox. But weirdly I feel it's a good thing as my system just needed to kind of relinquish everything. And in the midst of that I was told I needed a biopsy after a breast ultrasound. I've since learned it is a tumour but most likely a benign one called a fibroadenoma so that is at least a relief. I've been advised to still have the biopsy but not up to going to back to the city and to be honest I just don't want anymore medical interventions of any kind at the moment.

I don't know if you can relate to this but I think what I am learning is how to just let things be and allow my body to do what it needs to do to heal. I'm just intuitively following it on a daily basis at present. If that means sleeping several hours in the day, lying outside in the sun, moving or being still, whatever it is I just allow it. I feel like maybe I am truly letting go fully for the first time in my life. I'm so used to always being in a state of struggle.

I'm not any clearer about new places to live, but realising I need to just focus on healing - emotionally, physically, spiritually - before I will have the strength to do a big thing like moving. I've also let go with that in the sense that I feel it will become clearer in time when and where I am drawn to. I think I am letting go entirely of trying to control things and just allow things instead to arise when they are ready and I am ready.

I hope you are getting some lovely spring weather where you are. We are always here for you if you ever need to chat or a place to express your feelings.

Warm hugs 🤗

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Thank you for your kind and comforting words, it is a process and I have been just letting it work through me.

I planted a bare rooted rose bush over her called 'Adorable' and it is looking really green and healthy. Looking forward to the first rose at it is a fragrant variety. The funny thing is that in the process of planting the rose, it made me take notice of how neglected everything in the garden is. So I have been going out and working for an hour or so each day when the weather is fine, tidying up the overgrown plants and pulling out the overgrown weeds. It will take a while to work my way around the front and back but I am sure it will be good for me to spend time out there.

I can't believe you had that scare on top of everything else, so glad to hear it is likely benign. I totally understand your reluctance to investigate further at the moment. You have been through a lot of health issues one after another, stopping and taking a breath is a really good idea.

I can relate to what you are talking about with letting go. I used to be so hard on myself when I was having a bad day, which only made things worse. Accepting what you are feeling in the moment and allowing it to pass without judgement is a much kinder way of dealing with things. Sometimes surrendering is the best course of action when what you have been doing is not working.

I have no knowledge of the issues you have been having with histamine, are you able to explain what is happening in your system with that? I hope going cold turkey is not causing you too much discomfort.

I think listening to your body and what it needs on a daily basis is a really good way of letting go of the struggle and I am so proud of you for allowing yourself to just be okay with whatever arises because I know that is a very difficult thing for you to do. I have so much respect for you, I hope you know that.

Sending you love and hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo,

That is lovely you have planted the rose bush. I think all acts of love help us along including in grief. I can relate very much to what you say about garden neglect. I have not kept up with things like pruning things and dealing with overgrowth. I've tended to do a bigger weed pull at wider intervals but I would make it easier on myself if I did smaller efforts more regularly. And I do find it is beneficial to spend time out there amongst the plants.

Yes, I am finding surrendering is like the only option for me now. I have nothing left to keep struggling and striving. But it is in the surrender that I can feel the body has a chance to heal. It is actually really necessary.

The histamine issue can come up in some women during perimenopause when there are oestrogen spikes and also taking hormone medication that increases oestrogen. Oestrogen does two things - it causes histamine to rise in the body and it blocks the activity of DAO which is the enzyme that breaks down histamine. Some people can then develop an intolerance to histamine including many foods. The foods that are a problem either contain too much histamine, cause the body to release histamine or block the activity of the DAO enzyme. Any of those foods (which is a vast list) my body will not tolerate at all at present. I have gotten to the point I can barely eat anything.

I have definitely become weak and malnourished, but it has helped stopping the hormone meds and the long-time antidepressant I was on for pain (which also blocks DAO). The downside is increased emotional distress as hormone levels fall and increased physical pain in my body. Yet I know it's the right decision at the moment. I am learning to feel all of my pain - emotional and physical. It's the only option now. I felt very unwell yesterday and was really feeling distressed by early afternoon. But I called Lifeline and spoke to the most lovely, helpful, down to earth woman and it really helped me feel like I could cope again.

The histamine issue is likely part of a wider mast cell activation issue as I've had problems with this before. I suspect this may now be mast cell activation syndrome (MCAS) of which histamine intolerance is a feature. I have some suspected mould issues in my home including leakage from a wall in the kitchen which is worrying. Mould is also a huge trigger for MCAS. There is asbestos in the glue that holds the tiles so it is a health risk to take them off to see what's going on. I know mould is not the only issue as the histamine intolerance symptoms are present in the city, when I'm away, everywhere. But when I'm here I can feel something isn't right inside that I think is also making me sick. I realised yesterday, despite not wanting to rush into moving, I may have to do so sooner than I feel able. But I'm also working on healing my bodily responses so I might be less sensitive, if that makes sense?

My lovely friend in the city has been sending me real estate ads near her. I'm getting a nudge nudge hint hint message. It makes me feel clear that I don't have community here and I need to go, as a former housemate of mine used to say, "where the love is". My friend has a beautiful 18 month old girl. It would be lovely to be around them more and see her little girl grow up. So I am starting to sense that a move back to the city is on the cards, despite being someone who thought I always wanted to live in the country.

Sorry, I just wrote a lot! Thank you so much for your kind words 😊 I have so much respect for you too, including the way you explore everything and are open to everything on your journey.

Sending much love and hugs to you too 💕

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Maybe moving closer to your friend is what you need right now. It doesn't need to be a forever move unless you are comfortable with it. Having a friend to support you and a child to spend time with could be healing in itself. Even if you move to the city, you can always take regular trips to the places you love and do your nature photography.

Something I have been reading about from a spiritual perspective in a number of different books may be of relevance to you. There is mention of how we can come into the current incarnation with issues from past life/lives that have a large impact on this life. Have you ever thought about having a past life regression and perhaps a life between lives regression?

This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. I have an audio past life regression from Ainslee McLeod (not sure if I spelled that correctly) that I want to try but I have also been looking online for people who have trained with Dolores Canon doing QHHT (Quantum Healing Hypnosis Technique). It is not a cheap exercise but I think it may be worth trying at some point. Rob Schwartz does workshops online also but since he is in the US, the time difference means being up for most of the night to do the workshop. I would also love to attend a Joe Dispenza retreat when he is in Australia but he also has a couple of online workshops that I may consider doing at some point. He has a movie out called 'Source', if you get an opportunity to watch it, I highly recommend it. I watched it recently when he had a free sign up for a 3 day event. If he runs one of those again, it would be well worth it. They are not full day events, just additional videos that are extensions of the interviews in the film. He has some very good scientists working with him (who were extremely skeptical in the beginning) who are finding a lot of evidence that what he has been teaching all these years can be backed up scientifically.

Just a bit of food for thought. I hope you can begin to build up your physical strength again now you have come of the meds. Please take good care of yourself.

indigo 💜

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Just in case you are not aware, all the videos from the summit are being made available for free for 48 hours, in case you missed any.

indigo