Paralyzing anhedonia

[Grxmloid]

For the last 2 years I have had anhedonia which started at the time my chronic health issues began. I've determined it's origin is in my gut problems (at least mostly) and I am working with a naturopath & still waiting to get an endoscopy/colonoscopy with the hospital gasteoentorologist which is the only thing I can afford right now. 

I tried to manage it myself because I thought i knew what it was (the initial chronic fatigue and sickness was caused by a catalyst) I was also struggling to work, but now I've had to borrow money, because it became a matter of life and death (I became so suicidal). I feel so upset I let it go this long and get so bad before I caved in and realized I couldn't do it on my own. What I was doing was making it worse or not helping. I've been getting treatment for only 2 months now which I can't believe. I've become more impatient than ever. 2 years of my life gone to this.

I've done so many tests, and now awaiting on results from yet another, being heavy metal toxicity (could be highly likely considering some of the causes leading up to everything).

I now need to move house as the property owner who inherited the house doesn't want to pay capital gains tax. I am only just starting to feel some improvements from the gruelling process of trying to get the right measurements of probiotics etc (which were giving me extreme side effects in the beginning) and now I'm facing the loss of a familiar, safe house and suburb plus one of my housemates is leaving for new Zealand instead of coming with me and my other housemate to the next house. 

Meanwhile I've been so isolated because how this has all been impacting my brain function, and my mood, has made it virtually I m possible to socialize. But I'm trying to so hard, nonetheless, however I'm able to. But I have drifted significantly from the people in my life. When I am with others most of the time I feel boring because the anhedonia means to creative thought, no excitement, no natural vibrancy. It's destroyed my self esteem which now thst my brain is working better I am trying to do mindful practise on.

The housemates rightfully so organized a house cooling party which at this stage I am dreading. 4 of my friends are away travelling and I don't know how who will come of my invites, nor how I will cope being at a party (I've tried a few this year, normally I'm a party person, but they were so difficult) because it feels like I'm just acting. Because I don't feel any joy and my mind isn't working lile normal, every thing I do is in memory of who I was. I am doing things because "that is how that's done for this reason" not out of a natural momentum. It's bad to not try but its also bad to just be faced with the fact that I still just feel so numb and dissociated from myself and the world.

I'm glad it's improved to the point of crying some days but I just dont feel human and I am so sick and tired of being in survival mode for 2 years. I am an optimist but this will push anyone the the edge. I don't want to die I just want to be better and this has got to be the hardest thing I've ever done

[indigo22]

Hello Grxmloid,

Welcome, thank you for reaching out and telling us a bit about yourself. I am so very sorry that you have had such a long wait for a reply. Occasionally posts slip through the cracks, but I have been looking today for posts that have not been answered yet.

What you have been dealing with sounds very difficult and I am sorry you have been feeling so low. It's sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed with everything at present, which I totally understand.

I am unfamiliar with anhedonia personally but looked it up and from what I have read, it has much to do with a lack of the ability to feel pleasure and enjoy the things that you once enjoyed. I am sure there is much more to it but I can relate to that part at least as I have been dealing with major depression for most of my life which also has an affect on those areas. Life can be so difficult at times so I understand that you are feeling fed up, especially since it has been going on for a couple of years, it wears you down.

Since it has been 2 weeks, where are you at now with tests and such, do you have any new answers?

I would like to give you some support so if you are comfortable, please continue this conversation, I will get a notification if you respond, you will not have to wait for a reply.

Take care,

indigo22