First time to reach out in a long time

[Kram21]

Im a 52 year old male that suffers chronic pain and depression for many years. It has cost me most of my "friends" my wife and I see no way out.Last month or so I have been falling back down the dark hole and I can see no end in site.I have lost 2 friends ( in Thailand ) due to covid and many more there are suffering the economic effect of it. Yes they are worse off than me and I guess I feel guilty of just being a sook. I have battled depression for over 15 years and most of the time I manage to keep it fairly normal. Last month I have been loosing control of it and I dont know how to stop it. Now some days I dont even get out of bed ( apart to go to toilet and get water ) My body hurts I sleep a LOT and find pleasure in nothing. I dont want to end up the suicidal train wreck I was years ago as I dont think I have the strength to go through that again. Times are tough for everyone I know but I have no real trigger for this to happen to me now.

Thanks for listening to the rant of a soon to be crazy mad man AHHA

[Kram21]

Thanks.

Last night I crashed big time. I dont know why. I guess I just need to reset my mental status. I hate being like this and I guess it feeds off itself. Sitting in the dark alone is not the way to live but it is all I can do . Where too from here? I dont have any answers to that one. One day at a time I guess.

[Summerinvincible]

Hi Kram21

I’m very relieved to hear from you.
It’s incredibly hard having to deal with these things. One day at a time is a good way to think of it - I have to stop myself thinking too far ahead.
I hope we can hang in there together,

summerinvincible

[Kram21]

It sucks being alone and isolating myself is not helping, problem is I cant stand to be around people at the moment. Everytime I think I have hit the bottom I seam to fall into the darkness further. I keep telling myself this will pass but I am not convinced that it will.

[Summerinvincible]

I have felt similarly in the past. I’m not saying this is the answer for you, it may not be, but for me I went to see a GP and got antidepressants. In my case I would not have been able to work, I knew I was breaking down and had my young child to look after. So glad I did - it saved me.

I understand not being able to be around other people. I hope these forums might be a good way to check in and keep going every day.

[Kram21]

Im on meds already but I have lost my shite.

I guess I got on here just to still have human contact without the need to see anyone in real.

Where to from here?? I dont know. Most people have no understanding of what this is like.

[Summerinvincible]

I hear you.

I won’t pretend to know exactly what you’re going through, but I’m happy to listen.

I try to check these forums every day.
I’ll keep an eye out for your replies to this thread. Hope it helps a little.

[Kram21]

Thanks. I hope it helps a little . I just need to get my brain working again and maybe tomorrow I will get out of bed

[Summerinvincible]

Just checking in to see how you’re going. No pressure of course. Just know there’s people here for you.

[Kram21]

Another crap day . My love reminded me it has been 2 years since we were together. She doesnt understand what is happening to me. She knows something is up but I try to put on a smile when I chat to her online. Today has been a tough one but Im still fighting.

[Summerinvincible]

When you say you put on a smile, do you feel like you need to hide how you’re feeling? Do you think there’s a chance she might understand if you opened up?