Finding that purpose again.

[slippery_slope]

Never have been one for publicly posting my problems or even talking about them but I have started to realize I have to think and do things differently now.

I hated who I had become, I hated my life, I hated the relationship I was in, I hated everything except for my kids. I wasnt a bad person though I have done some horrible things in my early years and a few horrible things have happened to me, made some bad mistakes and have made some great decisions too, I had a very good life by society's standard but i was severely depressed. I couldnt understand me.

Almost 12 months ago I deliberately threw myself into the deep end, I left my life as I knew it to really focus and search 100% for answers, to search for peace, freedom and understanding. F%^K I felt so scared, ashamed, guilty, hopeless, you name it ..........I've had a few earth shattering heart breaking moments in my life but this felt like facing death by being eaten alive by a pack of lions, no has my back, no one there to catch me, I never felt anyone had ever been there anyway, but deep down I thought this would be the best thing for me, sink or swim.Divorce, it wasnt working anyway, I knew her like the back of my hand but felt she never knew me. I didnt know me. No job, we were in business together. A major back injury so finding employment is close to impossible. I took the camping gear and tools and we split the cash 50/50. I had $16K and the unknown ahead of me.

I refuse to get government handouts but don't have a problem with others receiving it, I just see it as a extra hassle I dont need, nothing to say i wont apply later, I hope i wont have too.

Took the journey back into my life to process who I am, read higher conscious books, other's life stories, understanding why people turn to religion, TED Talks, Mind Spot program, self help, divorce support group, blogs, nature, exercise, eating healthy though we always have, reduce alcohol though now I haven't touch it for a while, quit smoking though I do vape now. I had been searching for that holy grail that silver bullet my councillor calls it. There is no holy grail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! after almost 12 months I'm back to square one!!!!!!!!!!!!or am I? I've worked out that I am me, what works you my not me, what works for you my not for me, that doesnt make us better or worse, we just want to get through life better than how it has been. I think it's starting to get a little better, maybe a little clearer.

I now need to find my new purpose.

[loouuiiee]

I think your very brave! Self discovery has got to be the hardest journey one can go on because there isn't really any exit or any way to pull over and take a break; you are always in your own head and you cant escape yourself. but finding out who 'yourself' is has got to be the most rewarding and important things for each and every one of us to do, so good on you for realising you had lost your sense of self and taking steps to figure out who you are and what it all means in the bigger picture.

It sounds like you have come to terms with and are accepting of yourself by acknowledging that some things work for some people and sometimes they don't, which I think is great and spot on!

Acknowledging that everything just IS and relinquishing attempts to control and overpower is powerful and something not everyone can do.

I think you find your purpose in what you are passionate about, and you really need to get to know your emotions and push yourself to your limits to know what thrills you, what scares you, what brings you joy, makes you feel rewarded, gives you a sense of achievement, and gives you a sense of pride.

I experienced abuse as a child and I believe this really shaped who I am so hearing about children who are scared because their parents are always fighting or they are getting hurt, they are growing up surrounded by drug and alcohol addiction, or are suffering in their home lives makes my stomach drop, tears well and my heart race, It is for this reason I believe my purpose is to be an advocate for child rights and to provide a safety and nurturement for children.

I hope that the more you discover about yourself the more you will start to acknowledge how different things affect you and make you feel. I hope this helps lead you to find things you are passionate about.

You don't necessary have to have a 'purpose' either ... I believe in taking each day at a time and seeing where life takes you. sometimes it is the journey, not the destination, that is the most beautiful!