Dear Perth20~
Welcome here to the Forum, I would expect seeing others in similar circumstances here may let you feel less alone.
It is a terrible tihng to lose a son to suicide, and a person not only feels all the grief of a natural death, but also a range of other emotions on top, with guilt, wondering why, wondering what one could have done, loss and even anger at the departed or oneself.
It does not follow becuse you have been in abusive relationship that one thinks it will happen to your children too. Abuse of one's kids is not an ordinary part of life - quite alien in fact, and unexpected as a result. There is most often no reason to suspect it and saying to oneself afterwards 'I should have known' is unrealistic and mainly inspired by non-deserved self blame.
I'm sure you loved your children, you sound a very caring parson, lookng after your parents is an example and not matter what you children's' experiences they would have gained by your presence. They also had the example you gave by being strong enough to end that relationship.
It is sad your partner is ill, it sounds serious. It might be natural to try to look after him and protect him more than he needs. Is he able to talk with you and discuss all the hard parts in your life? When ill one can feel pretty helpless and guilty at not holding up one's end of a relationship - do you think he'd be glad to contribute comfort and maybe some perspective too? Feel more useful?
Finally I found that even one thing at the end of the day I enjoyed or distracted me worked well in time. it does not have to be big. A TV-series, a chapter in a favorite book, a walk, a pet, or simply talking with a friend or someone you love. I could look forward to that all day and it did help. Can you think of things to do that suited you?
It would be great if you felt like coming back and talking some more
Croix
