Struggling to cope with deteriorating mental health

[rhinoceros]

Hi everyone, I would be very grateful for any insight or tips.

I've been managing my depression (and anxiety) of varying severity since mid 2010.

I'm finding it incredibly hard to function at the moment. It seems I shift between deep/dark depression and anxiety that is only "just" manageable. The anxiety episodes leave me exhausted, and I suspect that triggers the depressive symptoms.... it seems I'm lucky to have 1 or 2 days a week where I feel okay, not great, but not horrible.

I've noticed that I have developed some unhealthy coping strategies. When I am depressed, I retreat to the past, in my case, around 2009/10 when I was a lot less miserable. In some ways I think it's a self soothing thing, but it's also reinforced my belief that nothing good is in the future.

I work a full time job, and also work extensive hours outside of my 'day job' as a jazz musician. I'm always busy. Keeping busy helps. 

Something else that complicated things was a 5 1/2 year long relationship that was abusive. Unfortunately my ex was highly narcissistic and I was subject to all manner of psychological torment. Like many I didn't understand what was going on, and assumed it was myself that was the problem. With the support of people on this forum as well as a counsellor I managed to extract myself from that. That was about 3 years ago now.

I feel trapped by my mental health. It is holding me back at work - my confidence isn't there - even though I am a competent worker. Similarly, in my music pursuits, I have the ability to achieve so much more than I have, but my lack of confidence gets in the way. I'm also terrified of dating/intimacy etc.  - even just a hug sends me into a panic, that unfortunately is a result of my ex, a lot of her abuse towards me occurred in intimate settings.

Life feels like such a struggle and the outlook seems so bleak. I'm trying to help myself and be proactive. I see a counsellor every few weeks.... I run about 10k every week... I try to find enjoyment in things, I try to apply mindfulness to situations... In spite of these efforts I can't seem to pull myself out of this rut (which I've been in for years now). 

I'm curious to know if others can relate to this. It feels like I'm swimming against a strong current, but I'm just getting dragged away by it. I want to be well and happy again but I don't know how that can happen.

[therising]

Hi rhinoceros

I feel for you so much as you work through a lot of what challenges you in the way of thoughts, feelings, beliefs and so much more. You sound like such a deeply feeling person and while this is an incredibly powerful trait to have, it's definitely one that comes with a heck of a lot of challenges.

I'm a gal who likes to look at things from a physical, mental and natural perspective. While biology, chemistry and psychology can help explain a lot at times, when it comes to why we can be struggling so much, I've come to find the natural side of things (while reflecting on what's in our nature) can also hold some explanations. For example, if someone's a natural 'feeler' or a 'sensitive', they're going to be feeling or sensing a lot. I imagine, if I was to send you into a room full of 100 people with the challenge of finding the one person in the room who's a subtle narcissist, I bet you could sense/feel which one's the narcissist. Everyone may insist 'Oh, no, they're such a lovely person. What's wrong with you? They're thoroughly inspiring'. It could have been just one simple comment in a long conversation that gave off a 'ping' that you felt (maybe as a 'downshift'), telling you 'That's the person' and you would be right. So, technically, you're the only one who can sense the narcissist. Little like a super power.

Sensitivity can come with the challenge of feeling a whole stack of triggers at once. Being able to sense or feel a depressing lack of energy, being able to sense or feel a depressing lack of inspiring skills or strategies that promote high and energising levels of self esteem, being able to sense or feel a depressing lack of dopamine and being able to sense or feel the kind of destructive and depressing beliefs others have put into our head are just 4 of the many things that can have a massive impact. Btw, narcissists are definitely 'energy vampires' who'll just suck the life right out of you. They tend to feed off other people's insecurities, self doubt, need to please, kindness and giving nature. They will pick only the nicest most sensitive people and go straight for the jugular. Sensitive people really give off a light because they're naturally brilliant. My 18yo son attracted the most horrible people and abuse throughout his schooling. Being someone who feels so easily and deeply at times, he's gradually and confidently adopted the mantra 'I can feel what you're doing to me'. He's developed a great sense for the nature of people (the up shifters and the down shifters and everyone in between). Being a guy with great senses, he loves the feel of jazz and is currently looking to add John Coltrane's 'Giant Steps' to his vinyl collection.

[rhinoceros]

Thank you for your reply - I really appreciate it. You are right, I seem to often feel things quite deeply. It's a blessing and a curse. Great for music and general creativity but day to day life can be quite overwhelming.

I do spend quite a lot of mental energy being concerned with what other people think of me; and there's a relentless need to justify myself/existence, particularly in the workplace.

You're right- I'm likely to detect a narcissist or someone with general 'bad vibes' quicker than most. 5 1/2 years with someone highly narcissistic has trained me well in that regard. I guess that's the silver lining of that horrible experience; I'm hopefully unlikely to end up in the same situation again.

Unfortunately, my ex definitely was an 'energy vampire' as you describe. Every aspect of the relationship was about control. It was like being on a roller coaster, minus the fun. I wasn't allowed to have female friends, playing gigs with females was frowned upon, I become incredibly isolated and alone and lost a big part of my friendship circle. There was constant cycles of love bombing and silent treatment etc. It was horrible.

I stayed with her long as I was able because despite all of that I loved her and wanted to make things work. Unfortunately, I now have CPTSD from all that and I'm unable to do things I would ordinarily want to do i.e going on a date. Anything involving intimacy is just a no-go zone for me right now. I copped quite a bit of abuse in the bedroom from my ex that basically destroyed any confidence I had in that area.

I'm going to my GP to discuss antidepressant medication. I spent about 10 years on an SNRI, and decided to discontinue it (that took about 5 years) so I'm a bit reluctant to undo all that hard work.... but with that said, I'd rather be well again. I'm trying literally everything else to help my depression.

I'm sorry to hear about your son, I hope he doesn't have to spend too much time around those people. They can be quite damaging.

I cut my teeth with Giant Steps back when I was studying... basically wore the record out!! Great stuff. Coltrane was a true genius.

ituations.

[therising]

Hi rhinoceros

I believe deep feelers have so many incredible traits and abilities that they share. It can be easy for sensitive people to spot other sensitive people at times. For example, you can have an auditorium full of people and the lecturer can be saying something fascinating until 'ping' you can feel that downshift. Maybe it was a fleeting comment like 'I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm talking about, based on my higher education...'. Seems harmless enough, hey. It may be the truth, no one may understand because of a certain lack of education but, technically, the degradation (intentional or not) can still be felt by some. Phrased differently 'I am of this grade and you are of a lower grade. Let me make that clear'. Btw, the best option may have involved making the lecture more easily understood for the majority. If you were to look around, a lot of the people who felt that comment would also be looking around. Sensitive people tend to look around to see who can feel what they just felt. While there may be a bit of tension amongst those who can sense the comment, the tension would be broken by laughter as someone yells out 'Can you dumb it down for us less educated folk'.

While narcissists in particular can lead us to a lot of self doubt, sensitive people who can feel in similar ways can 1) leave us with no doubt that what we're feeling is valid and genuine, 2) lead us to a greater sense of confidence, with little doubt and self questioning involved and 3) lead us to develop more trust in the ability to sense what may be present. Lots of other positives too.

I find it's sometimes handy to check in occasionally with sensitive people who have ability to feel what insensitive people can't always feel. This is one of the ways in which my son is becoming a master of his sensitivity. While there are a number of sensitive people in his life, he has the opportunity for a fair bit of feedback. 'Did you feel that?' can end up being an invitation to agree or disagree or wonder as to whether a person or situation felt angering, depressing, stressful and so on. While he's also becoming a master at happily switching off from certain highly triggering people (in a heartbeat), he admits dealing with such people in the past has perhaps led him to be too emotionally detached or switched off at certain times, something he's also working on. Some people can do so much damage and those who face the challenge of making sense of it all, while growing through and beyond the pain, are left to do the hard work. A narcissist or abuser may spend the whole of their life never having done any work on better understanding themself and the nature of others.