Dear BG1993~
I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. It was a good idea of yours to come here as you may find a different way of lookng at things, and also if you browse around you may find how others have coped in similar circumstances.
Life has dealt you some very hard blows, going from marriage and lookng forward to years of companionship, working together and love you found you had a horrible condition, then surgery, and now chemo.
I can well understand how you feel as I went though surgery a bit over a year ago, was limited in what I could do and not only had the worry of if it had been a success (it ended up partially OK) but felt no enthusiasm, no wanting to do anything, no pleasure in what had pleased me before, and like you reliance on my partner.
My psychiatrist told me that all these feelings, no motivation and guilt, were exceedingly common after an operation, and there was no quick fix, just rely upon the support of others.
Talking with others who have been through similar problems can help a surprisingly amount. I'd suggest if your doctor does not know of a group you can join than ask our own 24/7 help service if they know of one in your area. I'd also suggest seeing your doctor specifically about your feelings and seeing if anything can be done right now to assist you.
Yes it is an extra burden on your husband, have you talked to him about this to see how he feels? Fortunately it is not open ended but has a probable end in sight. Even if you are not able to do this things you did or earn the money you did at the moment I would suggest you do whatever you can to show how much you appreciate his efforts, even if it is only small things like making cuppa for him when he comes home.
One trap I fell into I hope you can avoid. I judged myself in the same way and to the same standards I had in the past. Not surprisingly I came up short. In fact my circumstances and abilities were drastically reduced and I should have judged myself by these new standards. For example the guilt was not for things of my making, but circumstances, and being more difficult to live with was a natural reaction to the trauma of surgery, its after effects and specialist medication.
I hope your chemo is not only completely successful but also not too intrusive. If you would like to come back and talk more you will always be welcome.
Croix
