How far should self sacrifice go? A genuine question.

[Reminiscent_sky]

Hello again forum.

it's been a while. There's been a fair bit that's happened between posts but I'm not necessarily here to do an update post.

I'm here to ask a question. I earlier today left my online friend group after having an inconsequential argument with my friends. The argument wasn't particularly important but I came to the realisation that the obscuration of my personal self and the idealised version that I had charaded online was able to be broken. Of course there was times before where my moroseness would seep through the cracks of the facade, of course I could pick up the pieces then but this was genuinely the first time I felt like falling into an outburst under pressure. Lately my hopelessness has reached a critical mass of sorts and this has caused me to lash out (usually at myself). My self loathing has manifested its own hatred seemingly. Like I've become more irritable, I used to have pretty serious anger management issues when I was younger and I've always kept the explosive anger part but it's like my short fuse has returned from the past to bite me. The good news though is that I can't hurt anyone with this since there's nobody who interacts with me in real life. Everybody finds out eventually that I'm not a very nice person and so eventually I was left alone. Back to what I was saying I *thought* I couldn't hurt anyone with this but now it seems like I'm struggling if not failing to contain my stress, lamentation and pain. This separation between me and the way I presented myself to my online friends lead me to stay in touch with my online friends past the initial downfall of my mental state. After doing a quick reflection I realised that if I'm going under I don't want to be dragging down their moods with me especially when I'm giving them nothing back in return. The friend I talked to about leaving said that they would never give me crap for the way I'm feeling but that isn't what's wrong. It's the fact that their empathy attunes with my sorrow and makes them feel worse, the fact that I'm also now emotionally unstable is just a silver lining to these reasonings. There's no end to these thoughts and feelings in sight so if I had any self respect left I would abandon my friends and force them to forget me, as to wither away as silently as possible. They might be the only people I converse with which has kept my head above water for a while now, but it's selfish of me to keep them by my side if I'm aware that I'll just be dragging them down. But at the same time am I being selfish by hurting them like this because I can't bear to see them leave me on their own terms? What's the worse option? I do want to stay and remain friends but I'm not sure how I'd even talk to them if, after I come crawling back, I experience a total mental collapse in the future. They don't deserve to deal with that. I was never worthy of their friendship anyway.

But It's been about 3 hours, it's felt like 6. I've got this impending sense of doom in my chest, the kind before you experience something terrifyingly painful. I'm regretting the things I've said and leaving that server. But do I listen to my selfish self preservation that's kicking in or do I just need to swallow my despair and accept what's coming from here on out?

I don't want an answer like "I don't deserve to do this to myself" because I do. I'd much rather take the full force of my pain than offload it onto my friends. Until my psychologist works that out of me it's just objective fact. I just want to know if I've made the right choice by not letting my venom linger in others. Should I relent and let myself brew my tempest over a peaceful, happy village full of people who say they enjoy my presence? Is it worth it even with the chance I create another ruin of a relationship in my wake?

[Croix]

Dear Reminiscent_sky~

Welcome back, I remember when you first posted here and your family did not have the funds to give you clinical support. I'm glad htat you now do have a psychologist, they can often help.

I suspect that like me, you have put on a mask when interacting with others and feel that what goes on underneath is never touched. Also that you are some sort of bad omen and anyone interacting with you will suffer as a result.

Over time, and it was a lengthy period, I came to believe my mask was doing me harm, however it had the important upside of allowing me to be with other people rather than just by myself. This has been a great benefit. Another upside is many drink or take illicit drugs to face others, building thier mask that way. You do not and escape the problems associated wiht those reliances.

The people you are with are adults, and have adult ways of judging. If htey see you as mostly a person to be with then just accept their judgment, not yours. After all by now you know you tend to have nothing good to say about yourself, and I and others all tell you that you are mistaken.

Being alone will only allow those negative thoughts, without the influence of others, to grow.

Have I answered your question?

Croix

[therising]

Hi Reminiscent_sky

I think one of the most important skills or abilities to have in life is self questioning. I know a number of people in my life who don't do it anywhere near enough. They believe there's no need for them to wake up to anything or evolve in any way. Those around them beg to differ 😁

As a 55yo gal, I can honestly say it took me decades to figure out that it's all about asking the right questions to begin with. I think another factor to take into account is what part of ourself we're asking. For example, I could ask the pessimist in me 'Why do I suffer?' and my inner pessimist may respond with 'Because the world is a horrible place'. If I was to ask my inner sage the same question, the response may be 'Because you hold the ability to feel sufferance in this world'. My inner pessimist will give me a depressing opinion. My inner sage will tell me the truth, I have the ability to feel.

If you were to question your inner sage, the challenge can come down to what question you need to ask it. Maybe the question is 'What's to be gained by me staying within my online friend group?'. The challenge here involves opening the mind for answers to come in. I've found the right answers can't enter into a closed mind. So, what is to be gained

• The personal development of your online friends. When put to the test, how do those online friends rise to meet the test or challenge? If they are being tested to try and open your mind or have you perceive something in a way that comes to serve you, how are they going to open your mind in ways you can relate to? How are they going to change your way of thinking and feeling? How are they going to help you hit on the revelations that you need in your life right now? Btw, while some may say 'I shouldn't have to open a person's mind, it's not my job', to that I would say 'Why would you leave them to suffer through a mind that is closed around anger or sadness or frustration or self hatred etc?'
• Your personal development. When your online friends test you, how are you being tested? In what ways? Mentally, emotionally or in some other way? Are you being tested to see how patient you are? Maybe it could also be about developing a greater feel for who you are. Do they partly exist for you to come to know yourself better? For example, if someone in the group was to make a deeply offensive racist comment and you feel that comment deeply, would you pass the test when it comes to being upstanding our outstanding? Would you say 'This is not a place where words like that are welcome. Don't speak like that again'? Are you willing to stand up or stand out from the others who may say nothing, even though they feel the upset that comment creates within them? How are you being tested to deliver the message, carefully or as an abrupt boundary setter?

From my own experience, I've found it's easier to leave a person, a group or a job etc rather than remain and be tested. It can be so much harder to stay because we know we're in for some hard work in some cases. To stay or to go? The key to unlocking the best answer can come down to the ultimate question in a life of self development, 'Is this going to develop me or is it going to destroy me?'. Btw, I just left a job where I love the people I worked with but the job itself had some self destructive elements to it. I could feel it destroying my sanity and my nervous system. Much prefer to keep both of those intact.