Hi jules10
I feel for you so much, as you sound so fed up and so overwhelmed. I can relate to how incredibly challenging it can be to make sense of such a variety of emotions and when mixed emotions are in play, it can definitely make things so much harder.
Not sure if the following will make some difference to you but I found a relatable definition of 'emotion' to be of significant help to me, especially when it comes to making better sense of my feelings. If emotion is energy in motion that we can feel or 'e-motion', then the question becomes 'What is this kind of energy I'm feeling and how did it come to be?'. There can be mental energy, physical energy and I suppose what you could call natural energy. Sometimes there can be all 3 combined.
Mental energy can relate to feeling through inner dialogue, belief systems, sense of identity and all that kind of stuff. Physical energy can be felt through energy systems such as the nervous system, cardiovascular system, endocrine system, muscular system (which does tend to store stressful energy) and all those kinds of systems. With the physical aspect, there's also chemical energy or energy generated through chemistry. Natural energy or looking at things from a more natural perspective, without the psychology and biology/chemistry, you could say 'I feel joy', 'I feel numbness', 'I feel downshifts and upshifts', 'I can feel that person not inspiring me' etc etc. Another way of viewing this is 'I'm designed to feel, so what the heck am I feeling or sensing within myself (internal influences) and/or outside of myself (external influences)?'.
Even 'numbness' or 'emptiness' has a feel to it. Being able to feel a depressing lack of energy in motion is personally one of my number one triggers for depression. As a 54yo gal who's managed the ins and outs of depression since my late teens, I can relate to mental reasons, physical reasons and natural reasons as being of influence. Whether it's involved depressing belief systems, challenging inner dialogue, a sense of grief, emotional detachment, a depressing B12 deficiency, sleep apnea, a lack of energy input or a lack of pure inspiration, a lack of positive visions of the way forward or the feeling of 'being smack bang in the middle of crossroads with zero sense of direction, constructive guides or signposts' these have been just some of the reasons for intense downshifts. When we're sensitive enough to be able to sense so much of what we experience and feel in life, this can be seen as an ability that demands from us self understanding and self mastery. One way of looking at it is 'If I was born to feel my way through life and no one showed me how to do it like a pro, no wonder I'm struggling'.🙂
