Feeling overwhelmed and lost with life

[geelt]

Lots of things are happening at once and I just need an outlet to vent my emotions.

My head is full of useless unnecessary thoughts and worries that I keep making up for myself.

I can start a new activity or hobby only for me to hyper-fixate and get myself burnt out and wasting a lot of time and money that I really shouldn't be spending. I overthink things and that affects my enjoyment of the activities I do. Thinking and worrying about buying things to do or thinking about doing things but when I get to doing things I start loathing it. I have no impulse control and stress over money when its just a dollar wasting so much brain power over nothing. No discipline.

Currently on Job Seeker applying for work with low qualification/ no education needed. I decided that I'm not going to try going back to University because it doesn't feel worthwhile, but also realized how limiting employment opportunities are. Having to rely on public transport with transit taking 1-2 hours at worst to the closest available work. I've recently begun volunteering at a 2nd hand shop as well just to get out the house and interact with people. I worry about having no time to do things I enjoy if I start doing paid work which is contrasted by not enjoying the things I do for enjoyment or overthinking and stressing over small details.

I haven't driven in a year and only have my Ls. Stressing and loathing about it wont help and it feels exhausting trying to ask help from my parents. Paranoid about crashing the car and I've been overthinking when going for walks near/crossing the road when the cars are nowhere near me but the hesitation makes worry and is affecting my alertness. I've even begun worrying when going up escalators even though the fear is unreasonable. A lot of hesitation and a lack of confidence with everything I do.

The support groups I've been going to so I can take my mind off things have had their funding cut so they've been changed to fortnightly and the counselor I've been going to won't be able to see me for a couple months.

I don't know what I want to do long term so I'm trying to change my mindset. Its fine to not make a lot of money, its fine to keep living at home with my parents, its fine not to accomplish anything grand and have a simple life. I have lots of ideas and thoughts of things to do but never follow through and just wallow in self pity and feeling restricted and limited in what I can do having to compromise I dont know

[Croix]

Dear Geelt~

Welcome back, it is good to hear from you even though it is horrible circumstances that have brought you back, perhaps being here and reading other perspectives might help.

All through your posts have been two things, both of which make life seem just too hard.. They are anxiety and blaming yourself. I felt the same way, and there was nothing I could do to make myself feel better, quite the opposite, things got worse. The worry was there all the itme and stopped me from doing things - even things I had liked -in case thay went on. Thinking I was hopeless stopped my from trying.

So my world became smaller and unhappier. I saw you were a bit prone to impulse buying - which is not surprising when life is not good, one sees things as a way to better life, make it more enjoyable, have less time for worry.

I used to go overboard and concentrate on things, from jigsaw puzzles to learning music, until I got sick of them as I never gave myself breaks.

I don't agree with your assessment of your self - or your idea of your prospects. It is very easy at least in my case-  to not realise that just about all these negative thoughts were put their by depression and anxiety, leaving little room for anything else. I thought I was thinking these things by myself -I was wrong.

The fact you have gone to volunteer seems to me to be a very healthy thing. With all that you are facing you are trying to do something that gets you out and breaks the chain of thoughts. This is wisdom - and determination.

I know you had been talkng about getting medical help (which made all the difference for me) and if you don't mind I'd like to ask if you do have any now? If you do can I suggest you go back and say the treatment is not working properly and explain what you have just said in your post?

One you start on a path to feel better I'd be pretty sure motivation and a desire to do more will re-start.

We are here for you and hope to hear more from you

Croix

[David35]

I like to think of the choices we make with our time as diversifying. It's a bit like when you have money. Save a bit, spend a bit on yourself, some for others. Your own time can be split up the same. Spend some time on the community (op shops), time to think about yourself (future), time with family. Don't forget that time spent volunteering is always attractive to prospective employers too. It's not wasted.

[geelt]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for the reply.

I can't remember when I stopped updating my previous thread and posting in general.

Just saw how to look at my previous posts, its always dumbfounding to find the answer to your own questions right when you're about to ask them. It's been almost a year and a half. I need to have a reread of that thread, lots of advice was given a lots of things I may or may not have listened to. Its daunting and embarrassing to go back and read things last years you wrote.

Buying things to do, for me at least, gave me something to look forwards to and instant gratification. Became almost routine to order something then pick it up from the post office when it arrived. I got into making model kits which are kind of like puzzles where you put the pieces together. It was fun to follow instructions to make something instead of worrying about things around me. Making cool robot model kits. Then things from Amazon Japan could be bought through the Australian site, which was significantly cheaper, about 3 times less than stores in Australia. Afterwards/ in hindsight I was just justifying my impulse spending and it doesn't mean much if you save 3 times so you buy 3 things. So much pointless worrying to distract myself from more pressing problems.

It's been about 174 days since I stopped taking antidepressants, I went on a lower dosage before I stopped. I felt that it wasn't doing much to help me so I talked with my GP. I haven't talked to my GP since then either but I'm planning on seeing them again soon.

[geelt]

Hi David35, thanks for the reply.

I've started to realize the importance of 'time' lately. You can use up so much time worrying and trying to distract yourself from worrying.

Time and money are connected and the effort used to try and save money ends up wasting more time than its probably worth. Saving a couple bucks on something isn't worth the hours spent stressing over and constantly checking for deals, or the formation of the habit to constantly check for deals only to waste time and money on things you really don't need. Recently had to wait hours and spent hours stressing after trying to save money, only for my card to get blocked. In hindsight it was just more impulse spending but at the time I was mindlessly consuming.

I'm hoping that the time I spend volunteering will help me gain confidence with work, as well as having something to add on my very barren resume. I can hate myself over the time I wasted in the past but that will take up more time. Easier said then done, I need to drill it into my thick skull. It feels like a productive use of time pointing out my mistakes but its shallow and an easy way to stop myself from bettering.

Its the truth i've wasted years worrying feels like my head will explode when i think about it.

Neglecting so many important things

I ended up on a tangent sorry.

[geelt]

wasting money on stupid things while the world is bad and bad things are happening to people and while it isnt my responsibility and isnt up to me to help everyone and save the world. im disgusted and other people would be to at ymyself

[geelt]

My mood has plummeted the past couple days.

I feel pressured to follow what my Dad is saying. He has been understanding of my current situation and I am grateful for that.

Keeps talking about how 'God' (I think its more of a fortune-teller kind of person) has forseen this and that everything is going to be okay. My parents are very religious where they believe that if someone says god said your child will save your life or he will be successful after July and will be rich and be active and god will visit you in the form of an animal they will believe it. They said that when I am 18-22 years old I will face a struggle and afterwards I will start to go up and be rich and successful and my Dad is really invested in this fortune telling. I am not trying to dismiss religion and understand its value, as far as im aware they arent getting scammed or paying money to hear the fortunes. I don't think a fortune telling is enough to be certain that I will be successful if I start a real estate business or company with zero experience, fresh off a 3 month business degree asking a bank for a loan with zero credentials or credit score or proof that this rental property will get off the ground.

I really don't want to get into the rental market

I can't get myself to speak up to him because I'm afraid he will lash out. What am I going to say? I don't want to invest in property I'm going to not take medication because you said so and everyone is lying to me to get me to pay for free mental health services and I will spend this time looking for entry level employment and not be successful like the fortune teller said god said I would be and i am not smart like you think and having a vague idea on how to use computers so please excuse my worthless ecistence thank you

He wants me to get a business degree and buy land or property or a hotel and run it for easy money.

I feel like my Dad vastly overestimates my capabilities and I can't tell him I'm not as smart or skilled or capable as he thinks I am with or without anything making it difficult to decide what to do. Just because I vaguely know how to use Facebook doesn't mean I can run a business hotel rental property online.

While I understand I won't know things until I try and doing a business degree will at least give me a brief idea on how to run a business or give me skills in general, I don't think listening to my dad or following his vision is what I want to do. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey geelt, Thank you for sharing this here. It sounds like it’s a really difficult time at the moment.

It can be so tough when our parents have ideas and visions that are different to our own. It can really take a toll on our self worth and self esteem.

Is there someone in your life that you feel comfortable talking about this with? You can also reach out to the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors anytime, on 1300 22 4636, available 24/7, or you can speak to them on webchat here. 
 
Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members soon. We hope you can be as kind to yourself during this difficult time as you have been in opening up and sharing with the community here, today. 
 
Kind regards,
Sophie M

[geelt]

Its difficult trying to apply for jobs. There's no low entry jobs in my area. It feels like a slog of applying for entry level jobs with commutes from 1-2 hours then getting rejected. There's only so many jobs I can apply to and they're running out and I need to find 12 a month.

Employment agency hasn't really been helpful so far but I don't have any other option but to wait and hope they will help. It leaves me feeling like I am not doing enough and having to wait 2-3 weeks for the next appointment only for them to recommend me jobs I've already looked through on job search websites that start at 6am and public transport only shows up at 7. I can't expect them to care about their job but its draining.
Its hard to be positive when everything makes you feel expendable and worthless and I can only blame myself for being weak and undesirable.

I don't feel comfortable or confident getting my license or driving. If I hesitate when crossing an empty road while walking I will hesitate to enter roads when driving.
I don't want to wallow in self-pity or self-loathing but I am not making it easy for myself to find a job or anything.

Then I think about getting back to studying but it feels like a waste of time if I'm going to freeze up and not be able to complete any degree if I'm worrying. Doing anything leads me to worry about careers or jobs or the fact I am sitting idly waiting for a miracle to happen. Its frustrating trying to set a routine when you need to account for other family members own routines and just talking in general. I get paralyzed when thinking about anything.

The volunteering has been going alright but I have to force myself to go. It's really understaffed with it being the Manager and me and another person sometimes. I'm doing what I can and everyone's nice but I don't do well unguided when I don't know what to do. Being told to tidy up the back area when there isn't really anything I can do because of all the donations and lack of space and having to wing most things. Everyone is too busy and understaffed for me to ask for help every 5 seconds. Idont know what im doing i dont know what im doing doesnt feel like im learning or gaining skills but i will keep doing it regardless

I don't want to do anything. I can't enjoy anything when I have to turn everything into a career because I don't have any marketable skills so I have to turn anything into a job which loses all motivation.
I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to deal with people.

[geelt]

I am doing a lot of complaining. I can come up with reasons and make excuses but deep down I know I am just running away and hiding from reality and the results from my own actions/ my inaction to do things.

Being negative and making things seem worse than they are is just a way for me to create more excuses. The volunteering is not as bad as I'm making it out to be. It's my poor communication skills and spinelessness that get in the way of being more proactive and asking more questions or for clarification.
I should not expect other people to accommodate for me without letting them know what the problem is. I have so little faith or trust in myself to do anything right and that reflects in everything I do.
I've been listening to the audiobook for "Atomic Habits" by James Clear
I can't sleep because I'm stressing about life choices.
I want to write whats on my mind in coherent sentences

I feel myself becoming a more bitter and hateful person and its making me feel like garbage how bad things have gotten.
Job searching has still been unsuccessful.

I want to get into 3D printing to make and design things but wanting to get a 3D printer first is pulling the cart before the horse. There's nothing stopping me from getting back into learning things but myself. Whether or not I can find a career doing something should not impact whether or not I learn something now. But it does.
Thinking about the process of learning and doing things stops me from wanting to do them which is counter intuitive because thats not the right way to do things.
I like coming up with ideas for things but not corroborating with people
Anyone can come up with ideas but theyre pointless if you dont do anything with them.
I hatemyself