Feeling lost

[Ineedhelp95]

Is it normal for your parents to involve themselves in your life's 24/7. Long story short im a single mum living back at home with my dad with my nearly 2 year old daughter. I find that I have become incredibly depressed the last few months and I dont know if thays because every opportunity I get to leave the house my dad will do something to stop the process and to top it off he's full on ADHD and when both of us are home he is loud and non-stop all day so my daughter is overwhelmed constantly I don't get time to have a break unless it's going to work where I look after other children.

I'm going insane living in this environment please tell me this feeling is normal and I'm not psycho 

I love him and I'm glad he has such a relationship with my daughter but I've never been so frustrated and wanted to leave an environment before which sucks because I can't afford a place with the rental market so I feel like om stuck and that's making me not want to even try and be positive. In all honesty I've just given up and I can feel my whole attitude slipping. Please help

[Sophie_M]

Hey Guest_49728458,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others, many will understand some of what you’re going through.  We’re sorry to hear you’re feeling like giving up. That must be incredibly difficult. No one should have to feel alone through this. We’re reaching out to you privately. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking it through and working out options for more support. Thanks again for sharing. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Ineedhelp95

I feel for you so much, with you having moved home to gain some support and relief yet finding the opposite in many ways. I imagine many people would come to feel what you're feeling. Incredibly challenging circumstances, for sure.

I wonder whether it's your dad who's experiencing the support and relief through the kind of company that he's perhaps been longing for, having lived on his own for some time. It sounds like he loves experiencing such company 24/7. Of course, this isn't entirely fair on you and if it's interfering with your mental, physical and even soulful sense of wellbeing, it definitely needs to be addressed. The question is 'What would a happy compromise look like?'. I wonder whether your dad's open to reason. If you give him the reasons for why you need time to yourself, mental health reasons included, can he respect that and work with it?

While I can appreciate the fact that we're creatures that thrive on dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, oxytocin and all those happy forms of chemistry, from a more natural perspective a serious lack of joy, happiness, excitement and loving or bonding experiences that come with not venturing outside our house can have depressing consequences. If your dad won't listen to reason, perhaps becoming a respectful dictator could be the only option. Someone along the lines of 'I'll be leaving the house to go out at 11am Sunday. You need to find something to occupy your time while I'm out. Do not stop me from going out. I'm challenging you to come up with a plan instead'. Maybe you could help him come up with a plan.

Can take a lot of skill for someone to manage ADHD. While there may not be a need to develop skills while they live on their own, living with someone else can be a very different story. While my 21yo daughter's boyfriend is on the receiving end of her ADHD challenges at times, she'd attest to the fact there are skills she needs to develop and manage in order for the relationship to remain a healthy and happy one. Btw, they don't live together at this stage. The need for greater structure and time management is one skill set. The need to be able to find natural highs in life without him or manage stress on her own on occasion, so that he can have much needed time to himself, is another skill set. There's a bit of a list of skills she's trying to develop and manage. She finds him being a constructive dictator is something that helps her develop certain skill sets. In other words, he keeps her focused and on track. He's one of her greatest guides/coaches in life. He's an incredible person who, if I had the money, I'd pay to be my life coach.

[Ineedhelp95]

Thankyou for the comment and being understanding. I struggle with my mental health and I've tried  many different ways to come to compromise with my dad but unfortunately he is stuck in his ways and if I challenge him he just tells me to leave as it's his house. If I had an opportunity or option to go somewhere that I could take my baby girl and dog I would of packed and been gone as I know staying here is just ruining our relationship as father daughter.

I have no control of my own parenting living here and don't get a break other than going to work. 

I've come up with so many suggestion and they just get knocked back or I get made to feel like how dare you put your child in that situation. I would never endanger my girl not put her in harms way and when things like this are said it just makes me feel like an even bigger failure and that I'm failing as a mum aswell. I really hope that I win the lotto lol 😆 or magically find a rental before the new year as im just deflated by the whole situation and over feeling so incompetent within myself because I feel like I can't provide for my ownself let alone anyone else. 

[therising]

To say it's a tough business when trying to open the mind of a person who has a mind like a steel trap can be an understatement. My goodness, it can be overwhelmingly difficult. Combine that with a 'My way or the highway' attitude and it can be enough to take us to the brink of insanity. When someone's inflexibility and unchangeable belief systems create mental health issue for others, it definitely creates a lot of problems. I think, in this case, it can become a matter of 'Okay, what have I got to work with here?', at least until new opportunities come up that can lead to a much better situation where there's a lot more freedom involved.

I suppose an example could involve 2 questions combined. 1)'Who out of my friends would be willing to babysit?' and 2)'What time does my father wake up in the mornings on my days off?'. If your friends say 'Sure, no worries, we can take it in turns babysitting on those days' and your father wakes up at 9am, then you could be out the door by 8am, dropping your daughter off, so that you can have time to do what you need to do. I know, all easier said than done.

While my husband's a basically good guy, he can be a bit of a 'My way or the highway' kind of person. At some point in our relationship, with that attitude messing with my mental health at times, it was some liberating part of me that piped up with 'Why don't you start taking the high way. Choose the way that develops you into becoming a more conscious person'. I started to become more observant and, in turn, I became more conscious of what he did at certain times (such as with waking up in the morning). I became more conscious of the places he didn't want to go (where I would be free to go on my own). I became more conscious of the things that would lead him to be happy enough where I could manage his emotions in ways that worked for the both of us. I actually came to observe a lot about my husband in general and was rather surprised by how he ticked. With analysing him and his behaviour so much, I found I began to speak to him as his analyst 😂. 'You do understand that your need to have others behave in certain ways, fulfills your need to not have to face the challenges that come with significant and constructive change. You need people to maintain your comfort zone for you' and stuff like that.

Needless to say, I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you when it comes to the next lotto draw.💰🙂❤️