I have a lot to say, bare with me.

[Rip_van_winkle]

I'm going to use this as my therapy.

In the third grade there was a girl who would brag all the time, to the point where it annoyed me so much that I decided to do the opposite as to avoid being annoying.

But this has started causing harm which only started get really bad in the last 3 years.

I'm doing a carpentry apprenticeship and my boss is a bottle of stress ready to burst. So when I make a mistake or when I'm not moving fast enough, he's not happy.

He not mean to me in any measures, aside from the classic tradie banter. But his vocal frustration and anger is what sets me snow balling down a path that starts as "you idiot, of course you're not supposed to do that" "you've nearly finished you're apprenticeship, how do you still suck this much" but somehow finds it way to "you're a failure in every way, you have nothing because you are nothing, you're a waist of space who only brings everyone else down, you're not happy because you don't deserve to be, you're a failure in every way, you should do the world a favour and kill yourself" and unfortunately I agree.

I know this isn't me. I've named this "the voice" no, not the tv show with delta goodrem.

There are moments of my life where I'm genuinely happy with where I am in life and who I am, and all it takes is the sun shining on my face.

I have large aspirations in life. I want to be a prime role middle for people to look up to and I believe that everyone has potential to be a force for good and I believe everyone has a part to play because there are greater forces at work then just the forces of evil... Gandalf said that.

But I'm scared, I'm scared that I'll listen to the voice and make like Delbert Grady and correct myself.

I know I need help and I don't want to live in this fear any longer, but I'm too scared to ask for help.

I've always been a man who's gets incredibly uncomfortable in both receiving or giving to much emotion. It's incredibly hard for me to listen to a compliment or a sincere "I love you' but I wish that wasn't the case. Without a second thought I'd sacrifice myself for any of my friends and family because they are the most important thing to me.

But this fear of tell any of them about my situation or the voice is terrifying, I just don't want to burden anyone, even a therapist with that burden. Even just writing this scared me. I don't know what to do, but I know that if I don't find a way to fix this. I'm going to joining a statistic very soon.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk

[Guest_27104948]

Hi! My first time on the forum but I just wanted to say I know what you are going through. You seem to be older than me but you remind me a lot of younger me. I suppose I still think in this way but to a lesser extent as I recognise it's not who I want to be. I don't know what to say but for me, the shift in mindset came after many intense periods of my life. I don't mean to say it will be the same for you but based on my experience, it seems changing "the voice" in your head is something that will just happen. I always felt like no one understood me when they tried to give advice, nor would I pay close attention to the advice they gave. However now it all makes sense and while it's still a bumpy rollercoaster, I can proudly say I still want the best for myself. Sorry, I've yapped an awful lot but I hope you have the moment where your mindset shifts as soon as possible. Wishing you all the very best and.... try to hold on!

[therising]

Hi Rip_van_winkle

'The voice', it's an absolute mongrel at times, hey. Call it what you will, 'inner critic', 'inner demon', 'Barry' or something else. I've found that in identifying it, it's easier to deal with it at times. Kind of like 'I got your number, pal. I know what you're about. Get the hell out of my head, you're just depressing and you're seriously no good for me'.

Everyone's got a theory on that kind of inner dialogue that includes the 'you' factor or variations on that. Instead of us hearing 'I'm hopeless', we can be hearing 'You're hopeless', which can sound so much more convincing. So what is it that 'talks' to us? Some of the theories, when it comes to good inner dialogue and far from good inner dialogue that we can be hearing at times

• Different facets at play that go toward making up the whole of who we are, such as the critic, the analyst, the adventurer etc etc
• Divine guidance and not so divine guidance
• The old 'angel on one shoulder/devil on the other' concept (with us stuck in the middle)
• Different parts of the brain communicating in order to facilitate higher states of consciousness or a more evolved brain or parts that involve the subconscious and conscious aspects of the mind

and the list goes on. As I say, everyone's got a theory about what it is that's saying 'you'. No matter what it is, the fact is there's no choice but to manage it. Btw, I found a good book to be 'Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. The book covers facets of self, how those facets can sound, how they can feel (emotionally), how and when they can come to life, how to manage them and so much more. Imagining things from this perspective, different facets of self (including the ones that can make our life feel like hell on earth at times), logic dictates that there have got to also be constructive facets. For example, you will have an inner sage. Maybe it's what brought you here to the forums. Maybe it suggested 'Why not go on the beyond blue forums' and here you are. Btw, the strongest facets are the most well exercised ones. If your inner critic tends to get a regular workout, it's going to equate to one seriously buff or tough opponent. There are ways of exercising the sage and other facets that can come to our rescue when things are looking on the dark side. As a gal who used to be in the habit of often saying 'I'm so stupid', I've come to praise the comedian in me that more so tends to dictate these days 'You're so funny'. The comedian in me is one of the things that leads me to manage a potential depression constructively in some cases. We can be quirky, unique, unusual or one of a kind but one thing we're definitely not and that is 'stupid'. Don't be too quick to believe everything your inner critic dictates. It really is an a*****le at times 😁.