Feeling lost, hopeless and not sure how to change

[ReverseInertia]

I'm 34m, I live alone and haven't really got any friends to speak of. I've never been 'popular' but I did have friends growing up and never really had any issues talking to anyone and making new friends. Unfortunately even back then, my lovelife was non-existent. I've never been in a relationship, had anyone show any interest and several times in my youth that I did try to ask someone out, I wasn't just rejected but I laughed at and/publicly humiliated. Eventually, that lead me to re-evaluate a lot of things in my life and cut-off ties with my previous friends (a number of long stories but basically I realised I was just being used and laughed at, they were directly responsible for the humiliation mentioned above for example, I'd just grown to accept it because I wanted friends).

Since then though, I've found it increasingly difficult to even start conversations with people. I don't feel anxiety about it as such, it's just like I don't even know what to do or say anymore, my mind goes completely blank after "Hi, how are you?" It's made me feel more and more lonely over the years and really hit hard just recently; I went to a social event that I'd been looking forward to and ended up spending the entire night basically walking backwards and forwards through the room and occasionally getting another drink as I struggled (and failed) to even find an opening to talk to anyone. Similarly I just started a new course, almost no one knows each other and I thought it would be a good opportunity, after several days though, friend groups are forming together and I'm once again on my own already..

I don't blame anyone else and know it's something I need to do but at this point, I don't even know what to do. I admittedly pulled myself out of an unhealthy situation due to my hopes of a more personal, romantic connection and instead I've just ended up further away than I was before - while the constant rejections used to hurt, now I don't even know how to get as far as asking. I've tried dating apps on-and-off over the years too but, I'm not exactly a model and haven't had any luck.

I'm sorry if this all ends up a bit long and messy, and I know that many might think romantic relationships and/or friendships aren't that important, but after feeling like there's an an emptiness inside for so long, one that seems to disappear in the brief moments of friendly conversation with people, those things are all I can really think about.

[Croix]

Dear Reverselnertia~

I"d like ot welcome you here to the Forum, which can be a very freindly place. If you look around for shyness and loneliness (use the spyglass above) I'm sure you will find many who have been in the same position. You may also find how they coped.

It is unfortunate but one bad expereince can lead to a downward spiral and one finds it hard to get out of it, that first expereince comes to be what you expect in later circumstances.

There is no real reason why it should be that way, it is simply human nature to blame oneself - and that comes across to others.

I am sure you have it in you to have a conversation and enjoy it. Admittedly starting off can be hard, however you have to remember that any budding friendship -romantic or otherwise, takes two people to make it work. If anyone was to laugh or disparage you then they are not worth knowing - time to move on

When you think about it there are an awful lot of people who are uncomfortable in social gatherings - just like you . The same goes for dating apps, which are often simply a bunch of misleading lies and exaggerations anyway.

Many peple simply prefer a face to face one to one setting.

Rather than trying to jump straight into a romantic relationship may I suggest you simply form acquaintances and see how you go from there. Maybe a colleague from work would like to talk, maybe you will have to go further afield.

Further afield might be doing osmething you are interested in from walking dogs for the  animal shelter to building model engines - I've no idea what you might like. Then join a club of like minded people and see how you go.

Being 34 is no barrier to anything, I remarried when over 50, and it has been a most excellent relationship -the secret being we both wanted it.

So talk to others, partly about what  you are interested in, and partly to find out about them and their interests. It can be fine

Croix