Feeling lonely, sad and isolated

[Lucylou]

I'm 62 and most of my life I have been caring for people. My 1st daughter was born with Cerebral Palsy and I cared for her at home for almost 30 years. I had 2 other daughters who are fine. I have been through a divorce which was my choice. My brother and only sibling passed away at 42 from a heart attack. I cared for my Dad who had lung cancer and was beside him in hospital when he passed. I then cared for my Mum who had Alzhiemers Disease until she passed. I also suffer from Fibromyalgia and in constant pain.

 In 2008 my daughter became very ill and was put on life support. After talking to doctors and specialists my ex and myself were advised us to turn off the life support....she calmly passed away going on 5 years next month.

I live near my 2 daughters who are both married; one has 3 children who are 17, 13 and eleven but because of her circumstances I haven't had a lot to do with my grandchildren. I feel I am a stranger to them.

My youngest daughter is my rock and has just found out she is pregnant which I am over the moon about. It may seem strange to some but I am closer to this daughter than the other.  But I think sometimes she gets sick of me. 

I live by myself apart from my 2 dogs and 4 cats and have no friends; I say hello to the neighbours but I don't like socialising or going out. sometimes I can't even be bothered talking on the phone yet in saying this I feel so lonely and isolated. Does that make sense? Am I playing the victim? Am I feeling sorry for myself?

I have been on several antidepressants over the years and currently have been on the only one that seems to work for 5-6 years now. 

I have seen a Psychiatrist after my daughter passed away and then a psychologist....that was about 4 years ago. Some days are good but mostly I feel I don't want to be here any more. I shouldn't feel this way especially with a new grand child on the way.

I hope my story makes some sense because at the moment I'm feeling lost and sad.

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[Neil_1]

Hi Lucy

You mentioned a few posts back about a piece of furniture that means a lot to you – family history.  My advice to you – is go and get it.  Do you have someone who has a ute or a trailer that you could possibly ask to assist you with this.  A beautiful dressing table that belonged to “your” grand-mother – something like that should be cherished and treasured and I so know just from reading your post how much it means to you. 

I’m in the fortunate position that I’ve got a couple of pieces of furniture in our home now that were in my Dad’s parent’s place and I can tell you just how much they mean to me.  That, and the fact of how remarkable pieces of furniture were constructed way back then – in one of the drawers I found a razor and on the side of it was 1890.  So that gives you an idea of how far back this piece of furniture (a tall boy dresser table) goes back.

Just hearing about how your daughter is, I just hope that it’s still at her place and in reasonable condition. 

But this would also be my last connection with her for a long long while – until she sees the error of her ways, but sometimes things like this just don’t have happy endings.

I do hope that you’re able to retrieve your grand-mother’s dressing table ok.

Kind regards

Neil

[Lucylou]

Thanks Geoff and Neil. Well I thought I would do my favourite pastime and spent the afternoon in the garden. Firstly with Fibromyalgia I'll probably be out of action for a while due to the pain. It makes me mad that I can't even do my favourite things without ending up in pain!!

Secondly, while gardening my thoughts started to wander and of course the daughter was subject. The more i thought about her the angrier I became and wondered how can anyone treat their mother this way.....I don't understand!!

Anyway I ended up in tears, had a hot shower and tried to forget about her and her attitude. I also can't understand why I have trouble telling her what I think about her attitude. You only have to say one thing that she doesn't agree with and she jumps down your throat. 

Yes, my grandmothers dressing table is precious to me. It has 2 wing mirrors on the sides and a large oval mirror in the middle. The last time I saw it at her place it was literally covered in dust in her bedroom. I can ask my younger daughters hubby to help me but I really don't want to involve them.

My old boy (dog) sat and watched me in the garden today and he seems not too bad. Had a few treats when I stopped for a cuppa and now he has had his dinner and is sound asleep on his bed which I bring into the lounge room every night. When I go to bed he and his bed comes with me!

[White_Rose]

Dear Lucy

You are having such a hard time at the moment.  It is easy for us to offer advice or suggestions but so much harder for you to take any action.  The best part of the suggestions sent to you is that they come with love and understanding.  We have all been in bad places and felt let down by the very people we thought would support us.  Usually the reason is that they do not understand what is happening to us or why and it frightens them.  This does not appear to be the reason in this instance but the outcome is the same.

You mentioned in an earlier post that your younger daughter would try to reunite all of you.  Perhaps you could explain to her how you feel.  Tell her the incidents you have written here and any other hurtful things that have happened.  Not to separate her from her sister but to explain why you are taking this path.  It's going to be hard enough for you without someone trying to get you to change your mind. 

You say you do not want to involve your daughter and husband in retrieving your dressing table but they may be willing to do so.  Why not ask, with the proviso that if it makes them uncomfortable they can refuse and you will not be offended or upset.

It is difficult to stop your thoughts revolving frequently round the same subject.  This is where you need the company of others and to be out of the house more.  I appreciate your difficulties, but getting out helps to change your thoughts and will give you the relief you need.

Lucy I am so sad about your dog.  I have had several dogs and the death of any of them is painful, whether they have passed away naturally or with assistance.  I've been in both positions and I know it is difficult for any reason.  Accept the love of your animals and if possible take photos for the future.  It's not a huge comfort, but it does provide some comfort.

This is sent with hugs and love.

White Rose

[Lucylou]

Just a quick note tonight and a positive one!!

Today I saw my daughters 18 week ultra sound and actually saw Jellybean (as she calls the bub) move. It is incredible how such a tiny little thing can move. JB (Jellybean) swallowed and just squirmed around.

You could also see the heart beating and the blood flow through out the body; the kidneys, liver etc. ABSOLUTELY OVER THE MOON xxxx

I hope everyone is coping ok and taking care of themselves xx

[geoff]

dear Lucylou, I know it's beautiful seeing a baby move which I haven't seen with my daughter in law, but she was due friday and now it's saturday for a brother or sister to little Marcie, so I'm waiting in anticipation and can't wait. L Geoff. x

[Rhonda_K]

Hi Lucy,

I just wanted to say that you are not feeling sorry for yourself. You have been through a lot of sadness and grief in your life, and it is understandable that you are feeling sad and isolated.

It is really hard connecting to people who understand, and hopefully this forum will be the first step for you. I also find it hard to connect to people, so I wish you luck.

Having a new grandchild come into your life will really help. I have 4 grandchildren (through my husband's children). We only see them every couple of months as we live away from them, but they bring me much joy.

Also take comfort from your "fur babies". It is horrible seeing them suffer. I recently had to put my beautiful 16yo cat down due to bladder cancer and my dog is nearly 15 and struggling with arthritis too. I get so much joy from her though. They really seem to understand your pain.

Take care, Rhonda x

[White_Rose]

Congratulations Lucy. 

Isn't it just so marvelous to see these babies at this stage.  I'm showing my age here, but this technology was not available when I was having babies and I expect it was the same for you.  To see the baby moving leaves me in tears and full of awe for the miracle of creation. No wonder you are so over the moon.

I wish you and your daughter all the good things for the future.

With love from

White Rose

[Lucylou]

Once gain thank you all for the positive and thoughtful comments.

Well it didn't take long for "the daughter" to bust my balloon. I am so sick of her attitude and watching what I have to say all the time.

In one of my posts I mentioned that I had sent her a text message of apology. i still haven't received a response and tonight I noticed she has blocked me from seeing her comments on facebook. 

I had been hoping she would get over it but again she has taken things to heart and I am the worst mother ever.

I'm over it and her attitude but my youngest said to me "not again and right on mothers day too" I feel like I am putting her in the middle of this whole ridiculous situation again. I also get the feeling she wants me to patch things up again......but I've been through this with THE daughter so may times that I don't really want to.

I've had enough!!!! 

[Lucylou]

I sent the daughter a text this morning asking her why she hated me so much. Needless to say she hasn't replied. 

It is her birthday next week and I honestly do not know what to do. I do not want to go to her house but should I send her a card???

This is eating me up and the fact that my psychologist that I used to see has moved on and nobody seems to know where. I think....know I have to see one soon.The 5th anniversary of my daughters passing is in a few weeks too and everything is starting to come back to me..

I wish it was easy to tell the daughter where to go but I'm a softy. I would really need to be extremely angry to shut the door in her face but then there are my grandkids.

God my mind is in a mess and I don't know what way to turn. It would be so very easy just to go to sleep and not wake up to this nightmare!!!

[Rhonda_K]

Dear Lucy,

I can't imagine to know what you are going through, but I do feel your pain.

 I know it is so painful to be rejected by people and it must be 100 times worse when it is your own flesh and blood, but be the better person and send your daughter a lovely birthday card. Don't lower yourself to her level.

And remember you still have another supportive daughter and a grandchild on the way.

Please don't give up. There are people who care for you in your life.

With love, Rhonda xx