Feeling lonely, sad and isolated

[Lucylou]

I'm 62 and most of my life I have been caring for people. My 1st daughter was born with Cerebral Palsy and I cared for her at home for almost 30 years. I had 2 other daughters who are fine. I have been through a divorce which was my choice. My brother and only sibling passed away at 42 from a heart attack. I cared for my Dad who had lung cancer and was beside him in hospital when he passed. I then cared for my Mum who had Alzhiemers Disease until she passed. I also suffer from Fibromyalgia and in constant pain.

 In 2008 my daughter became very ill and was put on life support. After talking to doctors and specialists my ex and myself were advised us to turn off the life support....she calmly passed away going on 5 years next month.

I live near my 2 daughters who are both married; one has 3 children who are 17, 13 and eleven but because of her circumstances I haven't had a lot to do with my grandchildren. I feel I am a stranger to them.

My youngest daughter is my rock and has just found out she is pregnant which I am over the moon about. It may seem strange to some but I am closer to this daughter than the other.  But I think sometimes she gets sick of me. 

I live by myself apart from my 2 dogs and 4 cats and have no friends; I say hello to the neighbours but I don't like socialising or going out. sometimes I can't even be bothered talking on the phone yet in saying this I feel so lonely and isolated. Does that make sense? Am I playing the victim? Am I feeling sorry for myself?

I have been on several antidepressants over the years and currently have been on the only one that seems to work for 5-6 years now. 

I have seen a Psychiatrist after my daughter passed away and then a psychologist....that was about 4 years ago. Some days are good but mostly I feel I don't want to be here any more. I shouldn't feel this way especially with a new grand child on the way.

I hope my story makes some sense because at the moment I'm feeling lost and sad.

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[Lucylou]

Thanks white rose

Re- the conversation.....it's done, finished, according to my daughter. It seems all I am good for now is to babysit my grand daughter in school holidays or pick the kids up from school if they are sick.

I think the time has come for me to say NO!!!

I really appreciate everyone's' feedback, it has made me do some thinking; trying to somehow sort this mess out in my head!

On another note My old dog is not well and I have to take him to the vet tomorrow. I am so worried that his time has come; feeling very teary tonight!!

[Lucylou]

I stupidly went into her Facebbok account just now and found this.....

Great video Dad !!.....sooooo do you go swimming much ? Lol.....miss you xxxxxxxxxx

Isn't it amazing, he had nothing to with the kids when they were growing up; he had shared custody but didn't want to see them weekends and holidays and she thinks the sun shines out of his behind!!!!

This really hurts!!

[geoff]

dear Lucylou, how upsetting for you, but I think the writing's on the wall, your daughter doesn't love you and how much that hurts me to say this, and now she has added to this by mentioning 'great video dad'.

She is doing this only to make the situation worse for you, so for now, it's NO to everything she wants in regards to her children, who are following her in every step  she takes.

Unfortunately she doesn't love you nor does she respect you, so it's time out, and whether she changes in time, who knows, but I think I know the answer to this.

If you still want to use facebook you can block her out, because every time you visit it there will be something that will upset you.

You deserve so much more than this. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Dear Lucy

I really don’t have anything more useful to add other than what others have commented and replied to you – but I am also very much in Geoff’s corner with his latest post.  Time to wipe this daughter out of your life. 

I simply don’t understand when things turn out like this. You provided so much for them, nurturing them, etc, look I won’t go into it, because I don’t wish to upset you any more than what you no doubt are already.

Lucy, stay with us here – we’ve got your back and will support you as best we can throughout this time.

Kind regards

 Neil

[White_Rose]

My Dear Lucy

This is so shocking.  I can only imagine the hurt you are feeling.  Please accept this electronic hug.

Geoff and Neil have suggested that it is time to sever the relationship with your daughter to save you further hurt.  In many respects I agree with them with the exception that you leave the door open for her to return.

By this I mean tell her that if she feels you are not worth respect, then you will not take care of her children.  However it should be phrased a little more tactfully than that.  I am not renowned for my tact.  Saying 'no' is hard especially to your family.  Saying 'no' to your own health is equally bad for you.  I was told in a similar situation that further contact would continue to harm me and for my own well-being I needed to walk away.  It seems you are in this type of situation and must choose whether or not to continue being hurt.

If all your daughter wants from you is childminding services then 'no' sounds like your best option.  It's a shame and I expect you are thinking of all sorts of reasons why you should continue to care for your grandchildren.  Stop!  Think of your well-being and stand back.  It may be the rude awakening your daughter needs to see the realities of life.

On the subject of your ex-husband and daughter, I feel this is a common situation.  Because dad has no contact with the children when they were young they have no memories of the usual arguments etc that happen families and imagine a perfect dad.  So they try to re-create this fantasy into reality by developing a relationship with dad that is all sweetness and light while mom gets to be the bad person.

It's unfair and hurtful and sadly you cannot change their perceptions. All you can do is stand back and wait.  It is possible that dad will let his daughter down again.  Meanwhile, refusing to be a convenience for your daughter may initially prove to her that dad is fantastic, but after a while I think she may come to realise how much she has relied on you.

Now this may be nothing more than wishful thinking on my part, but it does follow a pattern I have seen.

I wish you all the best in the future.  Please continue to post and we will continue with our support.

Warm regards

White Rose

[Lucylou]

Once again, thank you all for your advice' it is appreciated. Well I don't have to block her from Facebook as she has unfriended me. As far as the text message I sent her apologising for my comment on fb, she has not replied.

I still have my grand daughters birthday present here, no one has bothered to ask for it so I am in 2 minds whether to take it back and get a refund.

Her father has refused to help her out financially over the years but still the sun shines. I'd love to get all the money back that I have lent her over the years and the furniture I have given. When my daughter passed away I asked the daughter if she wanted the beautiful timber bed for any of the kids. She took it and about 12 months later I called in and the bed was out in the rain ready to take to the tip; that hurts too!! 

I gave her my grand mothers beautiful dressing table a couple of years ago on the promise she doesn't get rid of it. She promised but now I am worried that it might end up at the tip or she sells it. I don't know whether I should ask her for it back or just hope and pray she keeps it.

I am going to step back and have no more contact with her; sadly I will miss the grandkids but as you have all said I need to do this for my own peace of mind.

The only problem is my younger daughter will try to move heaven and moon so that every one is talking again and we have a happy little family. I tried before and this is what I get....so no more!!

My poor old dog is not doing very well and I have spent the past few days asking myself if I should have him pts or not. His back legs went on him yesterday on our walk and today we only got out onto the front grass footpath and had to come back inside. I wish he would go in his sleep and I know that is being cowardly but I hate to have to make the call.

Why does life have to be so hard? I have lost all motivation and just want to sleep all the time; I am truly over everything!!

[Bridge]

hi lucy

rotties are great dogs- I had a rottie x until a few years ago.  she was fabulous.  Im hoping your dog will tell you when hes had enough- one day he'll get up because he knows you want him to, not because he wants to. I find it an  easier call to make if I think that its what the dog wants, but its still terribly hard.  such noble animals. big big hug to you. he's been a very fortunate dog to have had you in his life by the sounds of things.

I agree with what white rose and neil and Geoff have said- maybe time to claim your space, and your daughter might need to ask to be let in, rather than just barrell in when she needs something. But I think what white rose says is true too- not slam the door in her face, but do just shut it firmly and politely, and leave it unlocked.  It can be opened only by respect and good manners.

and then get on with something new and that intrests you, something you have always been thinking of doing , even just checking out the possibilities of getting involved. 

Its not going to remove the hurt at all, but it will give you a more pleasant thing to think about and focus on to balance the other things.

big hug to you. life is really hard sometimes.

Bridge

[MelodyWasHer2ndName]

Hi Lucy

I'm very new to the website, and I dont think I can really give you much advice,  but I just wanted to say, I would absolutely love to have a grandma like you 🙂

Both my grandma's had passed away before I was born, so to hear that your grandchildren dont appreciate you just breaks my heart. I would have given anything to have a warm and caring grandma growing up (who also maybe spoiled me a little!). Its obvious that your older daughter takes advantage of you and unfortunately your grandchildren dont treasure the specialness of the relationship that is between grandparent and grand  child. Perhaps when they are older they will realise their mistake. I suppose its one of those "you dont know how good you've got it until its gone' type of things

I also just wanted to stay you are obviously a strong and loving person and have had to deal with alot in your life. Even if you feel unappreciated, you should feel proud of everything you have achieved. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your youngest daughter and she cares about you and will talk to you when you need to. Thats such a positive thing to have, sometimes just having just one person in the world care about you makes all the difference.

Sorry, I dont think any of that was very helpful, but I really just wanted to say something nice to you and I hope it cheered you up even a little bit and if you were my nan, id give you a great big hug 🙂

[Lucylou]

Thank you Melody; that was a lovely thing to say and I'm sorry that you have no grand parents to love and spoil you.

You did help me by realising how lucky I am to have one daughter who loves and cares about me. Too may people don't have that and it makes a difference even if you only have one person.

Hug accepted happily and sending hugs back to you and everyone in this forum

Hugs are good x

[geoff]

dear Lucy, there are a couple of issues which aren't pleasant for you at the moment, which only intensifies on how you feel.

The first one is the furniture your daughter took and had no respect what so ever for, and secondly is your lovely rocky, and I know your exact feeling as I had to put my little jack russell down almost 12 twelve months ago, and I had her for 18 years, and I can say that this was the most horrible decision I had to ever make, but her cancer has spread and finally broke out and she was bleeding.

I remember her licking me while on the table and looking up at me as well as kissing me, so she was telling me that it's OK because she knew, but I loved her so very much and think of her daily, ever though I now have Moo-Moo.

I want to wish you the very best for when he tells you 'I will be alright, and it's OK'. L Geoff. x