Feeling lonely, sad and isolated

[Lucylou]

I'm 62 and most of my life I have been caring for people. My 1st daughter was born with Cerebral Palsy and I cared for her at home for almost 30 years. I had 2 other daughters who are fine. I have been through a divorce which was my choice. My brother and only sibling passed away at 42 from a heart attack. I cared for my Dad who had lung cancer and was beside him in hospital when he passed. I then cared for my Mum who had Alzhiemers Disease until she passed. I also suffer from Fibromyalgia and in constant pain.

 In 2008 my daughter became very ill and was put on life support. After talking to doctors and specialists my ex and myself were advised us to turn off the life support....she calmly passed away going on 5 years next month.

I live near my 2 daughters who are both married; one has 3 children who are 17, 13 and eleven but because of her circumstances I haven't had a lot to do with my grandchildren. I feel I am a stranger to them.

My youngest daughter is my rock and has just found out she is pregnant which I am over the moon about. It may seem strange to some but I am closer to this daughter than the other.  But I think sometimes she gets sick of me. 

I live by myself apart from my 2 dogs and 4 cats and have no friends; I say hello to the neighbours but I don't like socialising or going out. sometimes I can't even be bothered talking on the phone yet in saying this I feel so lonely and isolated. Does that make sense? Am I playing the victim? Am I feeling sorry for myself?

I have been on several antidepressants over the years and currently have been on the only one that seems to work for 5-6 years now. 

I have seen a Psychiatrist after my daughter passed away and then a psychologist....that was about 4 years ago. Some days are good but mostly I feel I don't want to be here any more. I shouldn't feel this way especially with a new grand child on the way.

I hope my story makes some sense because at the moment I'm feeling lost and sad.

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[Neil_1]

Hi Lucylou

Can I first please welcome you to Beyond Blue and for taking this step to come and post your thread.

And wow, Lucy, what a life you've experienced - with so much hardship and battles.  I'm so pleased that you've come to this site and to provide your post - on here you'll find some really wonderful, caring people who will provide you with support, which I believe is what you are really needing now.

I don't blame you one bit for feeling so lost and sad - and for a long long time, you've had to survive all these battles and issues pretty much on your own.

With regard to your youngest daughter, do you live reasonably close to her?  And does your other daughter live close-ish as well?

I can't imagine what it must have been like for you 5 years ago and you were faced with the life support issue.  That must have been so heart-breaking for you.  With regard to your anti-depressants, that should mean that you are seeing on a reasonably regular basis the prescribing person (GP or psyche) who is writing your scripts for these.

When you did see the two psyche's, did you feel that they were giving you assistance??  

Lucy, with regard to your pain, are you able to be on pain killers to help ease what you're suffering from?

Just one last question Lucy - what kind of dogs do you have and how is the relationship between the 6 pets that you have?  Cats 'n dogs?

It would be great to hear back from you,

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Lucylou,

Welcome to Beyond Blue, I hope you find the support you need here.

 It sounds like you have been through a lot of pain but  you also sound like so strong a person to go through what you have. Circumstances or no, you have two daughters still in this world and soon to be another grandchild. I am sure you will show the same love to that grandchild you have to the rest of your family.

You said you have been on other antidepressants before. Given how long it has been, it might be time  to change the dosage? Our bodies can get used to some drugs and they stop working over time. You also said you had seen a psychologist and psychiatrist. Are you still seeing them, or could you? I don't know if you have moved in the mean time.

Pets are the most wonderful therapy. I  know I myself wouldn't be here if not for my gorgeous cats, Mayflower and Sydney ( pictured). What kind of cats and dogs do you have? Depression is a weird illness because it forces us into this isolation, thrives on silence and words not said and yet makes us feel so keenly the lack of human contact. If your dogs are large ones, do you take them for walks down to the park? Sunshine and fresh air aren't cure alls but sometimes the peace of just being in the park, with your dogs and the grass beneath your feet soothes me sometimes.
Who knows, your dogs might even find some friendly neighbourhood dogs to play with and you can say hi to their owners?

I'll leave it at that as  there others on this site with personal experience  of bereavement and loss who are more able than I. I do hope you can back to me, to us. I am sure the others on this site will have more advice and sympathy for you.

We may not be proffessionals, but we have all suffered on this site, in one way other. We know what it is to be in a pain no one else can see.

GA

[Lucylou]

Happy Easter everyone....and thanks for your replies.

I spent the day with my family at the beach and had a barbeque, I didn't want to go but thought I had better; my youngest daughter picked up straight away there was something wrong but I didn't get a chance to talk to her alone. my other daughter lives in a world of her own and doesn't even listen when being spoken to and sadly the grand kids are becoming the same way. The only time they need me is when I have to babysit over the school holidays and they hate it as I don't have all the modern games etc that the young ones play with. I usually only sit the youngest grandaughter as my middle grandson goes to holiday care and the oldest is 17 and works part time in between a Tafe course.The 2 youngest ones won't even give me a kiss or a hug....like today when I gave them their easter eggs. They don't even say goodbye, they just get in the car waiting to go. I gave my youngest one a birthday present as well today; once again no kiss or even thanks Nan. She even left it in the car so it is back with me and i honestly feel like taking it back and getting a refund!!!

Both my daughters live within 10 mins of my place and my youngest rings me often or calls in when she can; she's a nurse and has different shifts. I only hear from the other one when she wants me to babysit and it's usually the that morning. She doesn't even ring, she texts me!!

My gp writes my scripts for me but the one I have been seeing for a while has given up work or something....she went on Xmas holidays and never came back. Now I am having to start over again with a new dr which is a pain as it's so hard to find a good one. Especially with the Fibromyalgia as I have been taking an opioid for quite  few years now and needs government approval. I also take sleeping tablets which needs government approval and you have to explain to new drs why you are taking them etc, etc!!!

I first saw the psychiatrist after my daughter passed away as I thought I was going mad. He helped me for as long as he could and then sent me to a psychologist. The first one was hopeless; she used this behavioural program and it did nothing for me. I then saw another one and she was great. We would sit and talk my feelings through.

I have a 19year old Rottweiler which I rescued as a pup and I know one day very soon he will have to leave me but I hope he goes in his sleep and I don't have to make that awful decision again. My other dog was my Mums'; he's a Moodle and is about 9 (Maltese x mini poodle). All my cats are rescue too and once again the oldest one is showing her age. They all get on great together in fact the cats rule the dogs.

I take the dogs for a walk every day but sadly it's getting shorter and shorter as my old boy can't walk too far these days. We usually have a few rests and then continue on.

GA I haven't seen a psychologist for about 4-5 years now and the antidepressant I am on seems to be the best for me....I have tried a few!!

I feel bad tonight as it was obvious I was not enjoying myself today but it was something I had no control over. I am exhausted now so will sign off.

[Lucylou]

I'm feeling worse today; like nobody care about me. The daughter who has the 3 children put up a some photos on Facebook this morning of our day at the beach yesterday. 

In the comments she put in that she was with her husband, my other daughter and her hubby. Hellooo.....I was there too....your mother!

I actually wrote this under her comments. Why does she do this, I don't understand!!!

[White_Rose]

Hello Lucylou

I am so sad you are having such a hard time.  It seems particularly hard when hurt comes from your own family.  As you said in your post, your elder daughter never listens and children tend to follow their parent's example.  Unfortunately there is not a lot you can do about this sort of situation.  We would like to change the behaviour of others but in fact we can only change our own behaviour.  It must have been so painful reading your daughter's Facebook, but if she is as self-centred as you say it most probably did not occur to her that you would be offended. 

You have gone through so much in your life and it seems unfair that you are now so alone.  Perhaps you and your younger daughter can attend something together, such as going to the cinema.  I have written a number of suggestions below that could help you.  Please excuse me if I am being too intrusive.

How do you feel about returning to the psychologist you got on well with?  She may be able to help you accept your daughter the way she is and work out ways of managing your own actions and emotions.  While you are so isolated everything becomes bigger than Ben Hur and has a far more intense impact than if you had additional things in your life.

Living on your own and staying indoors most of the time is really bad for your physical, mental and emotional health.  You take your dogs out but this seems to be the only external activity in your life.  Can you summon up the energy to socialize more?  I do appreciate the difficulty.  I live on my own, not even any pets, and there are days when getting up and dressed seem like climbing Everest.

I have found that the trick is to become responsible for something that makes you get out.  This can be a volunteer job in your local area, joining a club of sorts such as Toastmasters, Forum, Pensioners club, choir, book club etc. Ask at your local library for information or perhaps your GP can suggest something.  What about helping out at the local primary school by listening to the children reading?  Visiting people in hospital or retirement homes.  Go to your local physiotherapy establishment and see if they have exercise classes for older people.  I do this  and have found the health benefits good, but the best thing is that it stimulates the mind and makes you feel more energised and alert.  I also enjoy the chit chat with the other members of the class (total of five).

It was good to read how happy you are about your daughter's pregnancy.  I have several grandchildren and have been equally excited about the birth of all of them.  They are so precious.  I hope the birth of this new grandchild is all you hope it will be.

If you are a knitter, perhaps you can sit outside while you make something for your new grandchild. Being outside in a comfortable chair with a cuppa is one of the joys of life.  It seems so decadent somehow.

I understand about the fibromyalgia.  I have not had that particular illness but I have had glandular fever and post viral fatigue.  Both were painful, tiring and debilitating.  Fibromyalgia is horrible and I understand that at times you are in too much pain to go anywhere.

I do hope that some of the stuff I have written is helpful to you.  Please let us know how you are going.

Regards

White Rose

[geoff]

dear Lucylou, from reading all the replies back to you have been great support for you, but I have to say that your life has been so sad and so traumatic, and even now it's still continuing on.

It's so difficult to know where to begin, but it seems as though your eldest daughter and her children are totally disrespectful of you, and are just using you to benefit themselves, and even if you refuse to babysit, give them any presents, will not change their attitude towards you, because at the moment it's nil, because they show no love for you, and especially the children must have been taught this by your daughter.

After all the trauma that you have had to endue, and by them doing everything not to acknowledge you or respect you, it could be reasonable for you to cut any ties with them, I know that that's a tall order to do, because it's certainly not what you want, but to them you are just a person and not a mother or grandmother, but just some person that they can use for their own convenience.

No parent wants to disown any of their children, but when the love you want isn't given back to you, the effect of this for you just increases and makes your situation a sad one, but more importantly makes your depression still linger on, and now this seems to be one of the main problems.

I always hate to say this, but the pain when they go, and there are no kisses, cuddles or thank you, would be more painful than not seeing them for awhile, so I wonder whether this could change their whole attitude towards you.

You could be upfront with them and say to them 'you don't show any love for me, and all you do is just use me so I'm unavailable for awhile.'

After all you have been through you deserve every respect but more so the love that you desperately want. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Dear Lucylou

I’m sorry to hear that your weekend experience with your children and even grandkids wasn’t as nice an experience as you would have hoped or planned for.

I don’t understand Facebook and have never bothered with it – and from different reports that I hear, it’s probably just as well – as it can be like a toxic thing, for those of us who are battling our various illnesses, these are just added stressors that we don’t need. 

And yeah, I simply don’t understand it how family members can be so cruel and heartless to another family member – their own flesh and blood – you would honestly think that if ever there was going to be a place or people who would get in behind you and support you, it would be ‘family’. 

But I’m reading far too often that this is not the case – and I just do not get it.

Wowee, your Rotty has got to a great age – I guess different breeds have different life expectancies, but that’s a pretty massive age for any kind of dog, isn’t it? 

What I can gather without too much thought would be that this boy of yours would be so incredibly loved and looked after – and you know, I thought that might have been the case, with regard to the cats being the rulers over the dogs.  🙂   

It was good to read White Rose’s post to you also Lucy with so many thoughts/suggestions – just things to think about and maybe at some time in the future, you ‘might’ feel able to try something along one of the lines that she suggested.

 I do hope that you’re feeling at least a little ‘ok’ today.

Kind regards

Neil

[Lucylou]

I sent a text message yesterday to my daughter apologising for my remark on Facebook (which she has removed). I have not heard back from her! The only reason I use FB is I am involved in animal rescue in a small way...I share all the dogs and cats that are in the pounds are going to be put to sleep and also share lost pets.

I spoke to my youngest daughter and she said that her sister will never change and has always been like that and as you have said my grandchildren have learnt it from her. Before my eldest daughter passed away, she was the middle daughter and I tried to make up for it in case she was missing out. Wow what a mistake that was!!!

A few months ago myself and 2 girls had a conversation (for want of a better word) as THE daughter hadn't spoken to me for months and neither myself or youngest knew why. I have to say I have a bit of Irish in me and be buggared if I was going to ring her!! My youngest organised this "sit in".

Wow, some home truths were said. THE daughter told me she resented the time I put into caring for her older sister!!! She asked why I never came to see her; at the time we lived in the same suburb. I told her how hard it was for me to transport her sister who was in a wheelchair. She just kept coming at me until I was in tears but she still holds it against me. Thankfully my youngest jumped in and asked her why she didn't come to see me!! She said she had small kids to look after!!

When my daughters were all little my parents used to see them every week, sometimes twice a week and why couldn't I be like my Mum and dad? Hellooo I have your sister to look after!!!!  i told her just because I didn't see them as much as I would have like doesn't mean I love them any less!!

I'm sick of walking on eggshells when I am with her because I know I doesn't take much for her to go off and blame me for everything.

Do you ever get the feeling that you would love to just disappear???

[White_Rose]

Dear Lucy

How heartbreaking for you.  I feel so sad for you that you are having to go through this experience.  There are not many positive things to say about this situation.  The most positive thing is that your daughter has managed to articulate her resentment, however uncomfortable for you.  It's a start. 

There is a world of difference between thinking something and saying it. Suddenly the words sound different when said out loud rather than in someone's head.  Now that your daughter has said her piece she may be able to look at the situation in a different light.  I know it sounds too simple but it is true.  Try it yourself.  Just think of something you are angry or upset about.  Keep the conversation in your mind.  Then try saying the words out loud.  It comes out in a very different manner.

There are now two options. Continue the conversation with your daughters, both of them together, or get a third person to manage the conversation which is a bit more difficult unless you know someone who is skilled in this area.

Actually there is a third option which is to stop talking to your daughter.  If you take this option then you can probably forget the relationship.  Talking and continuing to talk may well be hard and at times painful, but the potential for all of you to heal with help from each other is enormous. 

This is a quick post as I need to dash off.

Regards

White Rose