Feeling lonely, sad and isolated

[Lucylou]

I'm 62 and most of my life I have been caring for people. My 1st daughter was born with Cerebral Palsy and I cared for her at home for almost 30 years. I had 2 other daughters who are fine. I have been through a divorce which was my choice. My brother and only sibling passed away at 42 from a heart attack. I cared for my Dad who had lung cancer and was beside him in hospital when he passed. I then cared for my Mum who had Alzhiemers Disease until she passed. I also suffer from Fibromyalgia and in constant pain.

 In 2008 my daughter became very ill and was put on life support. After talking to doctors and specialists my ex and myself were advised us to turn off the life support....she calmly passed away going on 5 years next month.

I live near my 2 daughters who are both married; one has 3 children who are 17, 13 and eleven but because of her circumstances I haven't had a lot to do with my grandchildren. I feel I am a stranger to them.

My youngest daughter is my rock and has just found out she is pregnant which I am over the moon about. It may seem strange to some but I am closer to this daughter than the other.  But I think sometimes she gets sick of me. 

I live by myself apart from my 2 dogs and 4 cats and have no friends; I say hello to the neighbours but I don't like socialising or going out. sometimes I can't even be bothered talking on the phone yet in saying this I feel so lonely and isolated. Does that make sense? Am I playing the victim? Am I feeling sorry for myself?

I have been on several antidepressants over the years and currently have been on the only one that seems to work for 5-6 years now. 

I have seen a Psychiatrist after my daughter passed away and then a psychologist....that was about 4 years ago. Some days are good but mostly I feel I don't want to be here any more. I shouldn't feel this way especially with a new grand child on the way.

I hope my story makes some sense because at the moment I'm feeling lost and sad.

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[Struggler]

Hi lucy

I posted a long response to you three hours ago but don't know what happened to it.

Struggler

[Lucylou]

Hi Struggler

I am still on Facebook but have cut my activity back but sometimes feel guilty because I am not helping the neglected animals. In a way I'm glad the daughter has undefended me as that way I do not see her posts and get upset with some of the things she says. Although I have been on the same medication for years my dr has tried me on different ones but I always come to the same one....it helps better than most others.

I was originally put on them when I was caring for my eldest daughter who was disabled and after a while the stress got all too much for me. Her then psychiatrist actually prescribed them for me as he could see the mess I was in.

After caring for her for 25 years before she went into supported accommodation I thought I would get my life back but then my Dad got cancer and I was running him back and forward to drs and hopitals. Once again I thought I would be able to have a life but my Mum was diagnosed with Alzeimers. My Dad passed away and after caring for Mum for years I finally had to put her into a nursing home. I felt so guilty about that as I really thought I could cope with caring for her. She passed away within 3 months of going into the nursing home.A had a few years break for myself although I was visiting my daughter on weekends in the home she was in, Then 4 years ago she passed away.

There was a huge hole in my life and didn't know what to do without looking after family. Mind you THE daughter was still giving me a hard time. I took up volunteering for an animal rescue group but it was a lot of travelling and had to stop as I couldn't afford the petrol.

This past week I have wanted to hide away from the world and found myself taking sleeping pills through the day as they can be very long!! I know this is not right but what to do?

if by chance the daughter decides she wants to talk to me again I have decided that I'm not going to be running around after her. If need be she will have to take time off work to look after the kids.

I also suffer from chronic pain and am prescribed restricted pain killers but when the pain flares nothing stops the pain. I am seriously thinking of weaning myself off it very slowly over the next few months as I can;t see the point of taking these very addictive meds if they are not working.

On a positive note, I felt my daughters bub kicking the other day.....a wonderful feeling!

Take care

[Lucylou]

I'm in a really dark place at the moment and every day I ask myself what have I got to get out of bed for? I have lost interest in life in general except for my daughter and her pregnancy.

My brain will not stop thinking about THE daughter, my life and what is happening in the world at the moment. It is all very dark and gloomy.

I am feeling so alone and cannot be bothered doing things around the house except taking my dogs for small walks. I have no one that understands what is happening to me and if I happen to run into a neighbour and they ask how am I going the usual response is "good thanks and yourself?) with a smile. 

I found myself having thoughts about death the other day.

I don't know how to dig myself out of this black hole and feel it's getting deeper and deeper.  The thing is I want to be here and be happy; I want to see my new grandchild born and help my daughter with him. 

I am so confused

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Lucy, 

Apologies if I haven't been replying lately, though I have been following your posts. I have been going through some things myself.

I am really glad you have one of your daughters on your life. That grandchild will be very lucky to have a grandmother as loving and attentive as you. 

As for the other daughter, I think you have done all you can, by not letting her manipulate you. Family should be this ideal thing, full of love and respect. In reality though, none of us are the brady bunch. The honest truth is that itis family often that hurts you most. 

What we can do is create a family of our own, chosen or made and love them in the way we wish we had been loved. I had to cut off my father for his monstrous actions,  got dovorced from my abusive husband and instead, chose to begin a family of my own, just me and my two cats. They may not be children, butthe love I feel for them is no less, and seeing my kitten curled next to feet, radiating warnth and happiness as she sleeps melts my heart.

Please above all  if you feel those dark thoughts circling, call the BB numb at the top of the page. I worry for you,  Lucylou and hope you can post back soon.

GA

[Struggler]

Hi Lucy

I am so pleased that you posted again but feel sad that you're feeling such dark thoughts.  Even though you still have the other daughter and the future grandson, the hurt caused by THE daughter snuffs the happiness out of you.  

I can relate very well to the will business.  I posted a thread in Community Board about cutting my child out of my will.  I received many supportive responses.  Perhaps you like to read them.  It'll give you distraction.

We can never get any of our children out of our mind, doesn't matter how much they hurt us.  Regarding your will, you'll be wise to leave everything to your other daughter, the good one.  Don't give the car to the 17 yo grandson as you say he won't appreciate it.  

I've been doing a lot of thinking and come to the realisation why I feel so hurt.  This so called unconditional love is all nonsense.  I gave, gave and gave but in return I get hurt and misery from my younger daughter.  If I hadn't given so much, my sadness would not so intense.  If I hadn't given so much, she might have more respect for me.  

Lucy, I really empathise you.  We all care about you here.  Please know that you are not alone.  Keep posting and get it off your chest.

Take care.
Struggler

[Lucylou]

Thank GA and Struggler your answers are appreciated a lot.

I have made an appointment to see my GP this week and get a referral to a Psychologist and also speak to him about coming off my strong painkillers.

I have been thinking that what years I have left I am not going to waste them worrying about THE daughter. I have my younger daughter and her husband that I know love and care for me and the anticipation of the birth of my grandson is worth hanging around for.

I have been thinking of sending another text to THE daughter just to ask how my grand children are but I know I will get upset if she doesn't answer me!!!

Struggler I will check out what you have written about your will etc...thanks

GA I also find comfort in my furbabies

Take care

[Struggler]

Hi Lucy

Just want to touch base.  How are you doing? Has the grandson been born yet?

Struggler