Feeling like i’m ruining my life

[Rye]

Recently i’ve just felt like my life has been falling apart. For reference i’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety & depression and have struggled many years having long episodes of depression, but last year for a while I got better and got into a nursing course. I started my first placements last week but for the last month everything has been going wrong. I’m living with my mother but we lost our house due to her being sick and unable to work, so I’ve had to move in with my grandmother and I feel like i’m burdening her. On top of that my cat of 13 years went missing and hasn’t come home, and since I’ve moved I fear that we won’t find him. Placements for nursing weren’t going too badly but I was feeling the pressure of caring for people whilst my own mental health was collapsing and on Friday I had the worst anxiety and ended up calling out. Saturday was my 21st birthday and that feeling lingered the entire day and it felt like the worst day i’ve had in a long time. I ended up reaching out to my teacher because I was beginning to feel like my placements were undoable and i’d been having second thoughts about nursing in general and I decided to withdraw from the course today. I feel like i’m ruining my own life, I seem to be unable to keep a good thing going for long. I have thought i possibly have ADHD as both my sisters have it, however with little to no money it’s essentially impossible for me to get tested at this moment in time. 

Im just unsure of where to go. I’m going back to my doctor to see about anti-depressants and want to go back to counselling - But this pattern of depressive waves mixed with a general lack of interest, motivation or ambition in anything makes me feel like i’m never going to be able to keep a job, or keep up an education. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Rye,

Thank you for sharing so openly with us. It sounds like you’ve been carrying so much all at once, and it makes sense that things feel overwhelming right now. Losing your home, worrying about your mum, moving in with your grandmother, your cat going missing, and trying to hold yourself together through placements is a huge amount for anyone to cope with.

What really stands out is that you are not ruining your life. You are someone dealing with a lot of pain, pressure, and change all at the same time. Stepping back from nursing may feel devastating right now, but it does not mean you have failed or that your future is over. Sometimes when our mental health is under strain, we need to pause and focus on getting support before we can see clearly what comes next.

It is a really positive step that you are planning to go back to your doctor and reconnect with counselling. You deserve support with this, especially as things have been feeling so heavy. Given everything you’ve described, it could also help to let your doctor know how much your mood, motivation, and anxiety are affecting your day to day life, so they can look at the full picture with you.

You do not have to figure it all out at once. Right now, it may be enough to focus on the next small step and being kind to yourself through this difficult patch. If things start to feel even heavier, or you need someone to talk to in the meantime, you can contact the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

We are really glad you posted here today. Please keep talking with us and let us know how you go with your doctor.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

[Rye]

Hi again!

Firstly I wanted to say thank you for the kind words. They’ve been helping me push through this week and meant a lot to me. As for an update ! I went in to see the doctors today and we talked about the problems i was having, one of my main issues with anti depressants were the side effects and so we’re gonna be trialling medications for the time being. I do fear that the new medication might not work, but I have to trust the trial process.

As for the counselling, I have my first appointment for an intake tomorrow! Things have felt a little more manageable now that I’m getting some of the support I needed and i’m trying to keep my head up and not wallow.

Fingers crossed things start to fall into place a bit more 🙂