Feeling caught

[SammiH]

I have recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I am a mum of 2 children (4&2). My husband I feel doesn't understand what I'm going through he just thinks coz I look ok I am ok. His response to everything is "well everyone has crap going on" which I totally get.

on the other hand my best friend has been amazing and really supportive being there listening to everything I need to say she really has been amazing.

now my husband has had a go at her saying she is sticking her nose in where it's not welcome.

understandable my best friend is angry and upset but now my husband has banded her from seeing my children coz he "hates" her.

im so lost as what to do. My husband thinks I should stick by him no matter what. But what do you do when you don't agree. I love my best friend who has always been there for me no matter what but i love my husband too.

i just feel like since I got diagnosed he just doesn't care about my feelings anymore

[Neil_1]

Dear Sammi

Thank you for providing your post and welcome to Beyond Blue.

That's a very tricky situation that you've described and it's so unfortunate when your most loved ones take the stance of as you've described "well everyone has crap going on".  Yes yes, of course they do, but let them deal with it.  I TOO have crap going on and that's in our own backyard.  Don't worry about other people's backyards;  let's focus on our backyard or more to the point, ME.

Which is just what your best friend is doing and Sammi, that is a wonderful thing to be able to have someone who is able to provide you with the support that she is.

When you were diagnosed, were you given extra forms of professional support (ie:  possible meds but also for any other counselling - psyches?).

A suggestion might be to see if you can arrange to get your husband to go along with you to one of your sessions (perhaps even explain to the psyche or GP first about what's happening with regard to your husband's attitude towards your best friend so they may be able to professionally assist you and provide hopeful positive advice to your husband in regard to this).  It definitely wouldn't be a case of ganging up against your husband, but rather to try to get him to understand that your best friend is in no way taking over anything from your husband, but is merely being there as a strong support for you.

I hope that others may be able to come along and provide other kinds of advice on this as it really is an important issue for you - and as you say, you love both of them and don't want to have either relationship spoiled.

I also do hope you can get back to us as well.

Kind regards

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear Sammi

Hello and welcome to BB. I am so sad to read about your situation and I hope the folk here can help. Neil, in his lovely manner, has started the ball rolling. I will try to provide further assistance.

As Neil has said, it's unfortunate that the two people you care about most appear to be on the opposite sides of the fence. To me, this is really a result of the general attitudes towards depression. Because of the general lack of knowledge and the associated stigma with mental illness it is often a terrifying situation for people whose family member is depressed. Mental illness throws up all sorts of stereotypical images so it is easier to deny it exists or to tell the person to "get your act together". So it may be that your husband is quite scared of your depression.

I do agree with Neil about getting your husband to go with you to the doctor or your psych if you are receiving psychological services. Because these people are removed from the situation they can present a calm and objective explanation. And also explain how depression affects people, how it is treated and reassure your husband that you are not crazy. As you say, you look OK so what's the problem? If only they knew.

As far as many people are concerned, depression is feeling sad.  And as we all have sadness in our lives at various times it is quite natural.  A few tears, feeling a bit miserable and then we get over it. But of course, depression is a whole lot more.

At the top of this page there are two links to various fact sheets about depression. Look under The Facts or Resources. You can order this literature from BB at no charge. There is also information for family and friends which explains how you feel and how they can help you. It may be worthwhile to get this and either give it to your husband or leave it where he can find it. The information is factual and accurate so no old wives tales.

I take it that you do not work outside of your home?  Being housebound with two small children can be very difficult. If you can, try to find ways of getting out of the house, preferably every day, and getting some fresh air and exercise. The benefits of these are well documented and will help you. Taking the children to the park, which you probably do, is a great way to go.

I do not know what to say about your friend. I understand the problem but I have no solution. If you are seeing a psychologist I suggest you discuss this with him/her.

Write in again soon.

Warm regards

LING

[geoff]

dear Sammi, I have read the comments by Neil and LING which both have been terrific replies to take on board.

You have a great friend something which your husband refuses to accept, but he isn't going to recognise nor support you through this journey, so why should he dictate who you and your kids see, it certainly wouldn't work if you told him the same, because he would ignore you.

I'm not trying to cut off the relationship between you and your husband, all I'm saying is that your friend is someone who you can talk to, and to have a close friend while someone is trying to cope with depression is something which few people have.

You have a full time job with two young children which can magnify your depression as these kids are demanding at that age, so the support from your friend is something which you need.

If you decide to take your husband to the psych then it would be wise for them to suggest to your husband that your friend is someone you can talk to.

Your husband in turn may say 'she can talk to me instead', true, but it's completely different than talking to your friend, and I say this because he has already told your friend to stay away, so he won't be too cooperative with what you have to say, and what this means is that you won't tell him everything you need to say.

I know that you love him which means that you may want to shield him from what you are going through, as this commonly occurs.

Spouses/partners who believe that you seem to be OK and not going through depression are always hard to sway, they can become inpatient, maybe annoyed and non understanding until something awful happens and that's what we don't want to happen. L Geoff. x

[SammiH]

Thank you Neil,

i was diagnosed when I was admitted to a private psych facility and was placed on meds and regular check ups with the psychiatrist which is ok. Only problem was my husband refused to go to the family meeting! Which of course now my psych has no respect for my husband and actual has told me not to bring him to future appointments due to the lack of understanding - my psych just always asks my "why are you with him" which doesn't help 😞

[giggles]

Hi SammiH

You know what Sammi depression is about you and your feelings. It is the very personal sign for you to begin learning about what makes you tick.

If people around you are fighting for their place with you as your partner and friend are doing what does that tell you about control.

Did you know that people are living like this everyday of their lifes so you are definitely not doing this alone.No one is going to talk about it though thats all.

If you know how to break things down to an everyday limit I found it was alot easier.Frankly we all need to do this anyway.

If you do what you can when you can and within your limits then everything has to be ok. Let the people around fight amongst themselves while you recover.

No one can give you an instant answer its a life thing. However we can wish you all the best and offer suggestions but at the end of the day. You need to create who you want to be or what you want.

Everyone has this going on as it was nastily put to you but no tolerance for others little hic cups is very unfair.I would certainly swing that back at them by saying 'So whats going on with you then with such a cold attitude to someone elses feelings'

Afterall these feelings are the things that are struggling to come out thats all.

Isn't it great that we have the internet to read all about these things or the library in fact there is information all around you but perhaps your depression is masking things as it did for me years ago.

You have your own answers in there somewhere.Seek an honest life and your answers will trickle through I am sure.

By the way No one can tell you too leave your partner that is completely up to you.

All the best SammiH

Giggles