I did the anxiety and depression test: I ended up high range but I dont feel abnormal

[Wanderlost]

I had opened up to a friend about my illness and she suggested I join here. Finally did it - I guess these things take time. I was reading the forum names and I just started crying, which is odd for me. I guess it is confronting seeing so many people feeling like I do and all of your thoughts being displayed as a list through them. 

I find everyone just doesn't understand. Everyone has these wants and expectations of me and I just can't. I just can't. I know there are people who care about me but everyone is so caught up in their own lives and I guess I push people away... And people just don't understand. I think they compare how I feel to when they don't feel like getting out of bed. They don't know it feels to be physically, mentally and emotionally defeated by the pressure to be present. I've mostly stopped talking to people in the real world except my psych about anything because its too tiring explaining myself about everything. I say things (anything) and people respond but it's like it isn't a response to what I have said. They are always missing the point.

I did the anxiety and depression test on here and it stuck me that I didn't know that people out there didn't struggle with these things.  It's so odd to think that that is possible. I ended up high range but I don't feel abnormal.

 I've started abusing prescription drugs when things get too too much. Particularly with my boyfriend, he takes my emotions personally and hates me self harming but the self-destruction and "need to not be dealing with this" mentality remains regardless. He gets defensive and aggressive and it starts a lot of arguments that I am usually too worn to want to remain conscious through.

i feel trapped by it all and that makes me scared. I don't know how to make this stop.

[geoff]

dear Wanderlost, I am so pleased that your friend recommended you to join this site, as it may seem to rather daunting to begin with, but there are a lot of different people who have or still suffering from this disease, but we all join and give support to each other, because we know exactly what is going on with them.

You're not alone when you push people away or rather they tend to leave you because it's too much for them to cope with, because they don't understand what depression can do to you, or they say that you look OK so how can you be depressed, quite easily, because we tend to put on a 'fake face', acting and behaving as if there is nothing wrong with us, but deep down we are hurting so badly in that all you want to do is crawl into bed under the doona to escape the world.

Your certainly not abnormal, because depression is a debilitating illness, and it can strike without any warning what's so ever, however it can be caused by something that has happened or by losing someone very close to you, it doesn't really matter, depression is depression.

There are times when we take matters into our own hands and do self medicate, in which you take prescription drugs, where mine was alcohol, and we only do this we feel miserable and with alcohol it made me feel numb, whereas yours makes you go to sleep, I presume.

Only in hindsight I know that it's not good to do this, but I am not going to get into this unless you would like me to offer some assistance, whereas others may offer their suggestions.

What I am worried about is with your boyfriend, as I believe that he doesn't like you taking these pills, and I gather he also doesn't know why you are depressed, and there can be no real answer as to why you have been stricken down with this illness, because it could be a whole range of problems that could range from 1 to 10, that is worst to lest.

There are a few ways to begin with on how to start overcoming it, and these are to go and see your doctor, or if you click under 'get support' at the top of this page there will be a doctor in your area who will also put you on a medicare plan with 10 free visits to a psych., and to post any comments you want here, as someone will respond back to you, and this includes myself.

I have run out of characters, but hope to hear from you. L Geoff. x

[Chloekat84]

Hello Wanderlost. Im also new to this forum and i often post on here. I completely understand where ur coming from and i agree a lot with wat geoff is saying. Depression can hit anyone and for no reason at all. There doesnt even need to be an event to cause it. some people are just prone to it. Ive had it sincei was a teenager it hast hit really hard until recently and when i was in my early 20's but i had more control over it then. For some strange reason its come back to haunt me now. Maybe because all of the pressures im under being a single mum now and dealing with everything on my own. Either way dont geel bad about ur illness we are here to listen and to help 🙂 Take care x

[Wanderlost]

Thank you for replying. I'm in the midst of getting help. I had a really bad experience with medication almost 2 months ago that found me in hospital and had left me too tired (not physically) to try with the new side effects of another. I have been explained to that they don't make you "undepressed" they just take the edge off. I'm considering talking about trying a different one so I might not get so overwhelmed that I turn to prescription drugs. I realise that it is self destructive behaviour and that it helps in the moment but if I continue will leave me in a mess in the future.

My boyfriend understands what has happened to me in my past and that I have been going through intensive periods of sadness since I was 13-14 (I'm almost 23 now). He understands that I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but he doesn't understand how this manifests. So when I can't get out of bed he thinks I'm lazy. When I'm upset he thinks it's all about him and gets defensive. Because of his defensiveness I feel like he can't give me the support I need but he also didnt leave me when I tried to kill myself. I don't feel like I am good for him either but he tells me I can't say what is good for him and he does a lot of things that aren't good for him which I guess is right. I also feel like I don't deserve support and I should be able to do this on my own. I realise this contradicts what I said before but my thought pattern is so emotionally directed it changes a lot.

i definitely understand the 'fake face' part. My psychologist and I worked out that I have developed a depersonalisation coping mechanism so often even if I am feeling awful I will pull back from reality rather than dealing with the problem so it often seems as though I am fine.

thank you again,  

[White_Rose]

Dear Wanderlost

Such an evocative name, so descriptive of how we often feel. Hopefully you will be able to change that name soon. How about Wonderful?

You have described symptoms which apply to just about everyone who posts here and we all know how horrible they are. So take heart that you are not alone in this.

You have written about your boyfriend and how he tries to be there for you but just does not understand. This is generally the story with everyone who has not experienced depression. At the top of the page under The Facts and also under Resources there are a number of fact sheets about depression. Some are written specifically for family and friends to help them understand how the depressed person feels, thinks and acts. Please read these and arrange to get some of them sent to you. It may help your boyfriend to understand more about the 'whys' of the things you do.

Medication can do a great many things but not, unfortunately, cure us of depression. Maybe in a few years there will be drug that works as well as an antibiotic on an infection. Until then what we have is something that helps us to get through this horrid time.

I am so pleased you are getting help from a psychologist and that you seem comfortable with him/her. Good psychs can make a world of difference and really help us get back on our feet. My suggestion to you is not to fight the world, try not to get angry with people who do not understand. Hard though it is, accept that this is the case and move on. When you do find friends or family members who are comfortable with your illness and will support you, hold on to them.  They are gold.

Your boyfriend sounds like one of these. While he may not understand completely, he is OK with you being ill, generally speaking. When you are both in a calm mood, try telling him that it is your depression speaking at times and you are not blaming him or expecting him to 'cure' you. Perhaps you could suggest the sorts of things you would like him to say or actions to take.  As you progress he may be able to challenge your thoughts on occasions and help you to regain perspective. But that's probably a little way down the track. Perhaps talk to your psych about ways your boyfriend can help.

Almost out of words. Keep on posting. We are here to help.

LING

[Snoman]

Hi Wanderlost,

I think LING is right: your boyfriend is trying. It is very hard on our partners who see us struggling so much, and they have no idea what you are going through and how to help.

Somewhere my wife read how depression adds another member to the relationship: there is now your boyfriend, you and your depression. Education for both of you will help. Especially follow the link above for "Caring for someone with Depression or Anxiety".

I had some tolerable side effects to my antidepressants that the GP put me on. It wasn't doing enough and needed to be a higher dose, but I wasn't willing to make the side effects worse, so I changed to another type.  The gap between as I came off the first one was rough, but the change was worth it.  Similar side effects, but much less, and better mood control. You may need to try a few types to get the one that suits you.

xx

[JessF]

Hello Wanderlost, I remember the first time that I started to take antidepressants and they began to work, and I realised how long I had been feeling bad for.  Feeling bad had become so normal that I didn't even notice, so I really get you when you say you took the depression test and the high score surprised you.

When a loved one is upset, it's natural for the person closest to them to assume that they have done something wrong, and with depression because we feel so low, our loved ones can sometimes thing they must have done something REALLY wrong.  He sounds supportive and understanding, try not to second guess your relationship and just take each day as it comes.

[BeeGee]

Hi Wanderlost

I too share your feelings of uncertainty and confusion about the test scores. I took the DASS21 and scored in the "extremely severe" range yet had been completely unaware that I was suffering from depression. I think part of the reason was that it had been soooooooo long - I think I first became depressed in my early teens, and I'm now nearly 50 and newly diagnosed. Having lived with it without knowing for over 30 years, it was my "normal" - I had forgotten ever feeling any other way and just got used to pushing through. Somehow I mostly functioned but I know that those closest to me have paid a price, and I am sad about having just existed most of my life instead of really living - had I been diagnosed a lot earlier, things might have been so different. But there's no point going there, what might have been isn't going to happen.

I'm trying my second med now and I'm not sure it's doing very much other than an occasional fleeting feeling of general well-being that lasts for a minute or two. I'll give it a few more weeks and then go back for try #3. Then #4, #5, #6, and as many tries as it takes. It really is a bit of a lottery as to which one/s are going to be best for a given person. If what you've tried isn't helping stick at the try-out process until you find one that does. It can be long, tedious and discouraging at times, but hearing the stories from people who have found the "right" one for them gives me hope that one day that could be me too - and maybe you too.