feeling alone, scared and disconnected

[hope4joy]

i'm not really sure what else to say, i just hate how difficult i find it to be myself around people, and how i always seems to put on this front of being all okay and superficial, i dunno, not really showing my true self. and that means i get so lonely not really connecting to people. i wish i could change this, its something I've done since i was a kid. it feels so lonely to not truly connect. if only animals were human and then i'd have no problems, i feel so safe in their presence 🙂 Gosh this thing called life is difficult to understand at times.

[hope4joy]

Hi Shelley Anne,

thank you for your reply, you express yourself beautifully. I agree, it is absurd that so many of us struggle with being ourselves... when ourselves is all we can truly be. I'm positive to be starting schema therapy with a very committed psych who is also a behavioural therapist or something like that, as I feel it will help me make some deeper more lasting behavioural and thought changes. I had the first session yesterday. She thinks she can help me with getting better at being vulnerable (which is a necessity to connect i guess) and also to challenge and change some of my self defeating behaviours and find new modes of being. Its scary when i look at it in that i've seen the same psychiatrist for at least two years and i've started to lower my hopes of change and also start to question my own judgement. While working with her has been beneficial in some ways (and i plan to continue but less frequently for the time being) it has also been a very disempowering process in a way, which is terribly sad. I think i am so used to putting up with difficulties or settling for mediocre that i don't have the courage to pursue a better fit in all sorts of things sometimes. Anyways enough rambles from me!

Kind wishes, Christina 

[Guest_1055]

Hello Christina

I was just about to head off to bed. But I wanted to send you a hug, because I was thinking of you just know. 

I was just wondering if you sometimes  feel like your thoughts are  going around and around in your head? And there is a lot off them , all at the same time....

With much love

Shelley xx

[hope4joy]

Hi Shelley,

thanks for your kind words, I do appreciate them. And I like your new profile pic by the way - framed on the white is really striking.  

You asked about whirring whirling thoughts Shelley. To be honest I struggle to be aware of my thoughts... I'm sure they do whizz around, but I am so focussed on bodily sensations so this is what I feel. I suffer from lots of nausea and tiredness and perpetually heavy eyelids at the moment. So I seem to get stuck on the way my body feels. I found cbt (this was about oh my gosh, 4 or 5 years ago, time flies!) really helpful because i could identify the thought, writing it down is the best way for me. My new therapy, schema therapy is based on cbt so i hope to bring my thoughts back to more conscious awareness, as i thinks its important to then be able to solve the issue or dispute the thought.

How is it for you Shelley? Are you aware of thoughts going round and round in your head?

Kind wishes, Christina 🙂

[Guest_5218]

Hi Christina,

Just been thinking of you.  And after reading right through this thread I find that so many aspects of it also fit my own feelings.  Although I am very much an introvert, so that probably accounts for much of it.  But I definitely have the feeling that nobody knows the real me, and that includes my husband.  Its like there is a mask that I dont allow anybody to see past.  And it leads to a very lonely existence.  I'm lucky that I'm okay with that, as I like my own company.  I think I would happily live as a hermit, where I can just be me.  And not have to put up a front, and not be what everyone else expects or wants me to be.

I was wondering, was it last week that you started your new Schema Therapy?  And if so, how did it go?  Is it a weekly thing, an on-line thing, or how is it being delivered?  I have done CBT therapy last year and found it useful in some respects.  But more planned for this year.

Hugs and kind thoughts being sent your way ..........

Sherie xx

[hope4joy]

Hi Sherie,

its nice to come across your words here, although i'm sorry that you can also identify with much of being disconnected and not sharing your inner self. I'm currently enjoying the TED talk by Brene Brown called "the power of vulnerability". She's a very engaging speaker and funny, but also shares some deep truths about the courage to be vulnerable with others, and about self belief that one deserves connection.

At the same time Sherie it seems you have made a lot of peace with being an introvert. Yeah I hear you on this. I think I only need a few people in my life. But at the same time last night I loved speaking in public... yes I also have an extroverted part that is so nourished by other people, but sadly I often neglect that part. I guess I feel frustrated that my relationships with my therapist and my gp are often the most heartfelt and sincere communication i have face to face... i dream of having more of that in my friendships and a relationship. 

Sherie you talk about being yourself when you are alone. What are you like then? What can you express by yourself that you can't with others?

I find that by myself I'm incredibly playful and have a quirky sense of humour... but often i feel too shy or scared to share that with others. I guess i love the way that i see the world but i imagine others will just think i'm a bit immature and boring, or too simple. i really love to see the beauty in things... light, foliage, people, animals, words, anything really.

You asked about schema therapy - yes I started last week so have just had one session, will go again tomorrow (wed). I'm doing it weekly and then maybe fortnightly when uni goes back. it is in person with a clinical psychologist. i'm getting the first ten sessions bulk billed via the medicare plan and after that she said she can charge me a reduced rate of maybe $50 or so a session, so that i can keep going, as she said schema therapy is usually longer-term. so far i've just had the assessment session and she told me a bit about schema - i've filled in a heap of questionnaires that will identify my schemas. apparently later there is some role play with props etc that freaked me out, but she explained that talking isn't often enough to bring change, we need a more practical way of learning change. it seems like a good therapy to change longstanding ways of being that are no longer helpful.

I'm out of words Sherie - happy to share more as i learn more!

Kind wishes, Christina 

[Guest_5218]

Hi again Christina,

The TED talk sounds very interesting.  You are lucky that you are able to speak to your therapist as well as your GP.  I am not able to speak to my GP yet.  But I have written some things down to talk to him about next visit.  My psych says I need to tell him a few things.  I have attempted to previously but always end up in a flood of tears, and unable to talk.  So I've been advised to write down things that he needs to know and to give it to him.  I am hoping that will make things easier in future and less distressing in general.

You asked me what I am like when I am alone?  Thats actually quite hard to answer.  I am not entirely sure that I know who I really am or indeed what I want.  I do know that I resent intrusion into my own little world.  

I have a sense of humour that not everyone 'gets'.  I think its often too simple for other people to consider funny, as I find the simplest things really funny.  Yes I can be a little quirky at times, and I am considered by others to have a 'dry' sense of humour.

Your schema therapy sounds interesting, and I would like to hear more about it as you progress through it.  If it sounds good, I will ask my psych about it to see if it may be an option for me too.  Although the role play sounds very much out of my comfort zone.

Must go now.

With love,

Sherie xx

[Guest_1055]

Hugs Christina

You asked me if I was aware of my thoughts going around and around in my head..... Well my answer to that is a huge yes, if I am understanding you correctly. My brain gets very scattered, I seem to think about a lot of things at the same time. It is hard to stay focused, and a challenge to prioritise. It is easier if I write myself lists though.It often feels overwhelming when my brain gets like this. Sometimes I think so much, it is hard to sleep even. I often think deep things too.

Then there is another side, when I am very emotional, whether fearful, sad, crying and angry. These feelings are very overwhelming and often shadow any thoughts at all. I can't even think logically at all it seems then.

 Here is a hug for you anyway, I might watch that TED talk you mentioned about being vulnerable. I am not sure if I am or not. I know I am very sensitive and can get emotional hurt very easily, but I am not sure if it is the same thing or not....

Ok bye now

[hope4joy]

Hi Sherie,

Yes i feel blessed to have a great GP. Its the first time in my life I've had a GP I like, and only the second time since being an adult that I've had a regular GP. My childhood GP was a horrible man who was friends with my dad. My my current GP, well I have mentioned mental health stuff to her but only very generally - like mentioning my diagnoses and seeing a psych and medication etc, and I've had one mental health care plan before. But over xmas when I got so low I decided that I can't just rely on my psych alone and that I needed to see if my GP could help me too. I wasn't sure how she's be as mental health is not her special interest area - she's specialised in kids and skin conditions I think. But anyways I booked a long session and told her about my struggles and asked for her ideas on how to move forward and it really helped. She gave me the best explanation and new understanding of anti depressants as they apply to me (that they can raise my baseline but that they alone are not enough to lift my mood consistently) and I guess she's also just so kind and friendly and sees so much strength in me, and really values my ideas, that is a really empowering relationship. Yeah i feel lucky to have this. So I wish you luck in building a relationship with your GP. Do you trust his opinion? And like him? And he treats you with respect?

Its lovely to hear you find simple things funny... humour is such a beautiful thing!

And yes I'll keep you posted about schema therapy - do ask anytime you wish. And yes I freaked about the role play too - but somehow I get a sense that my new psych is trustworthy and caring and really wants to help people change... so somehow role play in her presence feels like it might be tolerable.

Kindess to you!

Christina 

[hope4joy]

Hi Shelley,

thank you for your words and sharing about your experience. I can relate to what you wrote. The other day my GP commented to me that she was glad that i'd found art as i'm such a deep person... I wonder if you relate to being deep? It seems you might from the depth that you feel things, and also the depth of your thoughts. I think its a beautiful thing to be deep... as it is also beautiful to be sensitive... but both these traits need special care. I know for myself I need to not stay in deep thoughts or feelings for too long - to take a breath of fresh air and become light again - because it is too heavy if sustained for too long. And as to sensitivity, I need to make sure I take care of myself around others. I love it when I meet people who can be both very deep and also light and playful... these make my best friends.

I'm all outta words so will stop her for now Shelley,

Kindess to you, Christina