feeling alone, scared and disconnected

[hope4joy]

i'm not really sure what else to say, i just hate how difficult i find it to be myself around people, and how i always seems to put on this front of being all okay and superficial, i dunno, not really showing my true self. and that means i get so lonely not really connecting to people. i wish i could change this, its something I've done since i was a kid. it feels so lonely to not truly connect. if only animals were human and then i'd have no problems, i feel so safe in their presence 🙂 Gosh this thing called life is difficult to understand at times.

[Montana]

Hey there, you say you are artistic? Have you ever thought of maybe doing a Visual Arts course or something like that at your local Tafe? You can do a course in Visual Arts for six months and it's hella cheap too. On top of that you get to meet a lot of strange introverted types that often use art as a means to express themselves. I'm a bit like that and often feel nowhere near at place whenever I'm out doing normal things, normal people do, so to speak... All the same, yeah, doing a Visual Arts course was probably the best thing I ever did. 

Not to say you are strange or there is anything wrong with being introverted but yeah, it's a great way to be in a wild environment and even if you still feel introverted you can do that more than happily but just disappearing into your canvas or sculpture or whatever it is you are working on. By wild I just mean new and exciting!

[hope4joy]

Hi Carol,

all the best with your studies starting this week! And nice to hear you're going to introduce some walking too, it is such a great form of exercise. Keep us posted on how things go.

Kind wishes, Christina 

[hope4joy]

Hi xyadts,

Thanks for sharing some of your experience. That is impressive that you've been challenging yourself to grow since 1980. I imagine you've been through many full cycles!

I really resonate with you sharing about how you used to push people away and that changing your stance really brought about change. I think it takes quite a bit of discomfort to keep connections open ended - I feel much safer closing the door on things. I'm really friendly when I first meet people but can quickly start to shut down when a friendship starts to develop, like i flee for safety. Something i'm trying to do more and more is to say yes when opportunities arise, and to invite others to participate in activities with me, and keep growing the friendships I already have. Simple stuff but a big behavioural change for me. I'm glad you were able to eliminate your sarcasm, thats quite an achievement to re-wire an old habit.

You spoke about a communication course xyadts. I've done similar things before and learnt some valuable skills. I guess what i've realised with falling flat over summer is that i don't need to keep doing more, i don't need to keep seeking information outside of me, but rather i need to change how i go about interacting with others. What im doing is largely okay it is how i go about it that needs changing. I need to let go of some of protective shells so i can connect with others more authentically... maybe also connect with myself more authentically... however i go about doing that!

What brings you to this forum xyadts? What are your interests at the moment?

Kind wishes, Christina 

[hope4joy]

Hi PuzzlePup,

nice to hear from you, cute profile pic! And wow, it seems like you've really pushed yourself to do well in the work space with being outgoing. I'm just wondering, do you find being outgoing is easier with 'strangers' or 'acquaintances' than with friends and family? I seem to do much better with people I can keep at a distance, and it gets harder to talk/ share/ communicate/ be open with people as I get to know them. I can turn in to the forever-listener which gets tiresome at times. You mentioned fear of judgement, do you think this is the crux of it? I'm just reflecting now... I guess I worry that people will find out how boring and dull I am... (yet by other people's standards i'm not) and maybe underneath that... that i'm an inferior person. Nothing like those sorts of thoughts to shut someone down with social fear. Where are you at PuzzlePup with all this? How are you doing at the moment?

Kind wishes, Christina 

[hope4joy]

Hi Montana,

nice to here from you. And to connect to another creative spirit. Yeah you're so right about studies, I did visual arts at tafe a few years ago and have gone back to study it at uni, just completed one year so far, and absolutely love it. And i remember in the first weeks how much i felt i fitted in - the art staff and students being informal, friendly, a bit quirky (in good ways!) and passionate about art. What sorts of art do you do these days since finishing the tafe studies? Do you have any aspirations to study art further?

You raise a good point Montana about the joy in being introverted and getting lost in creative projects. And that is very much part of who I am. Slowly I'm getting better at accepting that. I guess I also have this extroverted part that i often forget to feed and gets very hungry. And i'm finding that so many art projects require networks and collaboration, so i guess i'm trying to navigate this whole interacting with people thing. You're right though, the art world is a special place to go and be lost in for a few hours. I did some painting last week while listening to ted talks... really lovely. It had been a long time since i painted. What's your favourite arty thing at the moment?

Kind wishes, Christina 

[xyadts]

Hi Christina, thanks for your interesting reply.  My interests include ten-pin bowling, golf and grandchildren. 

You ask what brought me to the forum.  Well, I came looking for people who suffered 'sleep paralysis', as I had suffered from that condition in the past.  I had had an insight into the condition, that maybe it was a message from the brain that I needed to deal with something that I has been avoiding. It turned out that, for me, the insight was right.

Thinking about you, I wonder if your brain is sending a message.  Maybe, as you get to know people better, its possible the brain is saying to you, disguised as feelings, that this is getting dangerous, this is getting scary, because remember what happened  the first time you did this.

If you can recall whether there was an earlier time when there was a problem with you trusting someone, it may help you understand what is triggering off this behaviour now.

These musings may be wide of the mark, but I do think most of our behavioural problems, originate in our heads

   regards  xyadts

[hope4joy]

Hi xyadts,

thanks for your message. I took children ten pin bowling a few times over summer, as I worked on a kid's holiday camp. For one boy it was his all-time favourite activity and he'd be brimming with excitement for hours before - it was really lovely to be part of his enthusiasm and help realise his favourite activity. Funnily enough I don't think i've ever bowled! I have done lawn bowls and enjoyed that - although found it tricky with the uneven weighting to get the bowl to go anywhere near where I'd hoped for. What is it that you enjoy about bowling? I do a lot of walking - I live near a creek with parklands and bushland and love walking along in the early morning or late afternoon and am also a yoga fan, it helps manage a lower back injury a got a few years ago (from rather recklessly jumping off an 11m waterfall... oops!).

Thank you for offering ideas on how i might be able to move forward xyadts - i really appreciate it. Its great that you were able to respond to your sleep paralysis and deal with the issue and then recover. I do believe that most if not all illness is telling me something, like it is my body's way to communicate a problem - eg i'll get a rash and my body will be telling me my pH is out, or my stress levels are too high, or something. And even though i hate to think about it, my depression too tells me when things are amiss - usually that i'm not moving forward enough in my life, and am not doing what i see as valuable and worthwhile, because of fear.

Yeah, i hear you about our brains sending messages that trigger emotional distress. i found cbt in the past really helpful because i'm able to easily pick up on my bodily/ emotional response but have much more trouble discerning the triggering thought/s. I was in a social situation just yesterday and ridiculous anxiety came up and i was able to not respond and just note it was there. Next time it happens i might go somewhere private for a moment and see if i can work out what the thought is, because there does always seem to be one. i often need to journal or talk aloud to find it. and maybe if i know the thought i can help reassure and calm myself and know i'm going to be okay.

xyadts I am curious about your profile name. You said it is pronounced "chats" which is wonderful for a forum name! Can you say any more about where the letter combinations/phonetics come from? And how was your weekend just gone? Did you see any of your grandchildren?

Kind wishes, Christina

[PuzzlePup]

Hi Christina,

 My social phobia got worse when i was diagnosed with depression, ultimately because I went from a confident person to having no confidence at all. I had health issues, lost my job and was in a destructive relationship with no support. I hit rock bottom.

I used to find talking to strangers easier but now i feel judged by everyone. I always wondered if friends 'really' liked me and found myself listening to what I was saying and thinking 'geez I feel so uncomfortable'.  I never talk about myself. I too am the forever listener.

I remember my Mum used to say things that would just come out the wrong way. It was just the way she was but you could take it the wrong way and get offended. I feel like I do that. I feel like i'm just like my Mum. She used to belittle me and I could never do anything right. She passed away 2yrs ago from cancer. I loved her but I didn't cry at her funeral. I never told her how I felt, she would have told me to stop being silly.

I have tried interacting, doing short courses, learning new things. I've met people but always been quiet, reserved and nothing ever progresses into any sort of friendship. My thoughts control me.

[hope4joy]

Hi PuzzlePup,

thank you for replying, its nice to hear more about you. I'm sorry though that your thoughts are controlling you and impacting on connections with people so much. I relate to a lot of what you shared.

Its crazy how depression can take one's confidence away. I too miss that feeling of having more belief in myself and being more confident, i feel like i go from about 70-80/100 confidence in 'normal times' to about 10-30/100 in depressed times... its a struggle to function. I said no recently to a promotion at work because i couldn't handle the extra responsibility while feeling depressed. Yes it is a very debilitating illness.

I also went to a social group yesterday but when depressed I am more quiet than usual but also don't seem to be able to feel connected emotionally to others, so it is a very lonely experience. I find myself instead getting annoyed at people, just internally, which is not normally like me. Yeah i guess i can get irritability along with my depression. But i guess at least i went - i still keep trying because i feel if i stop socialising it gets even harder, so i sort of just go through the motions without feeling anything, hoping it will change in time. I really hope that schema therapy (first session tomorrow) will help me let go of some of my negative unhelpful views of myself, and see myself in a more balance positive light.

Hey PuzzlePup you said that you're like you mum more and more (I relate to this too, my mum can be very socially awkward) but you also said that she belittled you and put you down. That doesn't sound fair at all. And it seems that you listen to others (even if like me its too much listening at times) so perhaps you are more caring and don't belittle people? I hope its okay for me to say this, it just sounds like maybe you're not like how your mum was in all respects? And maybe you have some really nice qualities too?

You mentioned that you lost your job before - are you working now at all? Do you have any regular supports? Are there any interests or activities that still bring a little pleasure? (for me walking, art and being around animals are important right now)

Kind wishes, Christina 

[Guest_1055]

Hello  Christina

I have just read your entire thread here, and I can see bits of the way I am in most of you. Like you, I find this whole connecting with people issue very confusing.  A part of me says well... that is one of the reasons we were created, that is to connect with people. I have a huge longing , I think to feel this connection. But I only occasionally feel it. And like you mentioned when you are relaxed you feel like you are "being yourself". For me that says freedom, a sense of being free. Not locked up within ourselves.....not hiding behind some wall, that we wish we could smash with some force..... not be chained by fear.....not putting on a safety mask that we wear, so no one will see the real us, because if they see the real us, they may not like it, hence we feel rejected.....

Even as I write this I feel a bit of anger rise up in me, because I am sick of it. I am tired of being locked up, I want everyone to be released including myself. Released to just live and be whoever we are meant to be.... the real us.

OK thank you, just reading what others have said, has helped me to know that I am not the only one. 

I am sending some love from my heart to each of you own hearts in my small attempt to connect in some way.

Hugs

Shelley xx