Feel like im living double life and I might be depressed?

[Garfield2020]

I've realised an issue.
I feel emotionless alot. I do have emotions. When I feel cry over something that doesn't have anything to do with me, I feel relief that I can feel emotions (so empathy). I used to be scared im a psychopath or something but that was irrational. I think i was 10 or 11 when I realised that it was a good idea to start like faking normal responses to stuff.

Some parts of my life don't feel completely real or like they feel like a haze. I just feel like im drifting. The word for it is "indifferent". I also feel like im rotting. I can't get anything done. My brain can't do basic maths, I have to consciously think about what my name is when I have to do x or y. I can't read anymore. My brain sees the words and doesn't like process them. Things dont go in one ear and out the other. They don't even go in. I can't really listen to thinks anymore. Can't focus either.

I do feel love and contentness and care about others. They're just stunted. Theyre not there all the time and I feel like I should be loving my family (my family have done nothing wrong) or caring about this but I just can't. But then I really admire my dad and think he's super cool.
I experience happiness but its vapid happiness if that makes any sense. I can laugh with my friends and still feel miserable and anxious. I know i'm living a double life but I don't know how to describe it. I am living a double life.

I have more to say but the word limit is stopping me so I'm just going to comment it or something idk

[Garfield2020]

I only have two close relationships with people. Which are my 2 friends but even I can't care about them all the time. Those 2 friends are internet friends. I just feel nothing alot. My other friends (irl friends) are just people I spend time with, I've known them for a long time but I just can't form deep relationships. I just make friends with someone and even if I've known them for years, I don't feel anything really. There are people i've known for a long time and once I finish school, i'll probably never see them again and that doesn't bother me.

I only show amusement and anger to other people. Sometimes I do hide emotions from others but otherwise there isn't really much to hide.

I'm really stressed about uni next year. I can't pay attention in class. I can't study. I don't have motivation and havn't in 5 years. Scared i'm going to fail everything. Havn't paid attention in class all year. I want to do engineering or IT but I just feel like too much of a wreck and too stupid to make it through the 4 year degree let alone through this school year.
I just sit in my room and play games. I can't really care about my other hobbies anymore. Used to plant lots of stuff and write but now I just sit at my computer. I do go outside daily though but it's usually like 5 minutes or for school.

I've also been questioning my gender which has made me feel even more anxious, generally bad and stressed.
Told my doctor about the social anxiety stuff and the gender stuff and i've started the process of dealing with the anxiety stuff but I didn't really talk about anything else. And i'm confused and everything is wack.

[continuousventer]

Hi Garfield2020

I think I get what you mean. I feel bad when I don't feel bad towards death in the news. I'm not sure if what I've written is right, but yeah.

I also feel like I'm just existing, not living. I'm a first year occupational therapy student. Uni and my personal problems has taken over my life.

It is a bit concerning that you find you can't focus. Have you tried talking to someone at school about this?

I can understand your dilemma with friendships because I have it too. I have a lot of friends that I say hi to. But no one really knows the real me.

The me who needs a blanket wrapped around them while studying because the loneliness and sadness has become too much. The me who experienced a manic episode and is really ashamed for the things I did 5 years ago. The me who feels like I'm never good enough.

The people I know see me as the class comedian, like it's like oh it's continuous venter who gave the valedictory speech, it's her who won a scholarship, it's her who studies a lot and gets high grades.

Honestly I really do feel like I'm living a double life. I don't want to be at uni because I don't have a lot of support at home. Feels like I'm breaking. Chip chip, it's a really bad feeling. I hate it.

Even if you do not survive the school year, nothing is concrete. You can redo school as a mature age student. You could go to TAFE. You could find other ways to uni. Nothing is really the end of the world.

You may not be ready for uni now, but it doesn't mean you won't go to uni later on.

I also had a really unhealthy relationship with the computer bc the computer was all I had. Make sure to not give yourself a headache by looking at the screen too much.

Hope I've said helps!

From continuous venter

[Garfield2020]

I fit the role of snarky class comedian aswell. But I think alot of my double life stuff is a emotional double life. I don't know how to explain it.

From what i've picked up on is that to the outside world you have everything together when it reality its a awful chaos

Honestly I'd feel like id be mooching of my parents if I didn't pass and if i didn't go into uni straight away.

I've mentioned focusing issues offhandly but never a "hey dudes help me please"

Honestly I feel like my problems don't exist and everything I think is me just making it up so I can feel sorry for myself.

Also are you doing anything to deal with ur issues?

[continuousventer]

Hey Garfield2020

I have people missing English with me, people meaning two people, but hey, it still counts!

Yeah, I feel like at any time I could probably end up crying in front of strangers. It's awful to feel sad but everyone expects you to be happy. It's also awful to know that some people only like you because you're positive and if they knew the real you, you're not sure if they would stay.

I didn't go to university straight after school, it took me some time to get to uni. I'm thankful for this though because of the wonderful people I've met at this mature aged school such as my English teacher.

I think what matters most is your health. Year 12 is stressful.

I also feel the same thing with my issues because nothing is really happening to me at the moment. However, the more thought I put into my circumstance ie a lack of love and being poor, it makes me feel miserable.

I want to get out of being poor so it's better for me to focus on my studies.

I'm seeing a psychologist with my issues. I'm thinking of seeing headspace because I have been sad for more than two years.

[Garfield2020]

Yea its good ur doing something about ur issues

Yea sometimes I also get close to crying in class. Especially stuff with maths. I tell myself it could be a like a wierd sensory thing since i have very watery eyes and they water very easily when i think about certain textures