Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

[YS]

Hi, this is my first post. I have been diagnosed with melancholic depression but have been experiencing the symptoms for many years prior. I am on an antidepressant but am struggling all the same. Due to the characteristics of melancholic depression I.e. Avoiding contact, immense guilt and lying to the people I love, I have not seen a psychologist for >2 months and have been drinking to avoid feeling the guilt. I am in danger of being unemployed as I have been avoiding work (calling in sick too many times). All of this seem to be an endless cycle with no way out. I know that I need to take the step to go and see my G.P. and the psychologist but instead I stay at home stewing in my guilt. I work the the healthcare profession but I feel lost as I do not understand why I am feeling like this. I have a loving husband and a loving family so I have no reason to feel like this. It seems to add to me feeling lost and like I'm spiralling into a hole...

[YS]

No replies... that's ok... am still feeling lost. Yet Togo to my psychologist appointment. I guess i was hoping for an improvement with medication and with my own mind 'strength' ...

[Sophie_M]

Hi YS, sorry you haven't had further replies to your thread.  In a busy forum like this, it can be difficult for members to keep up with all the discussions going on - it helps if you form relationships with others by getting involved in other threads so members know who you are and look out for your posts.  

See the threads below for more information:

Forums etiquette: give support to receive support

Newbies guide: 5 tips for getting the most out of the forums

[james1]

Hello YS,

I noticed you said you were going to see a psychologist but in your last post you said you were still yet to go. When is the appointment scheduled for?

I'm not sure what help you need because that's what the psychologist will tell you, but I can reassure you that you do deserve the care of someone you can open up to. I wonder, what kind of care would you want? Is there something you are aiming for from your overall treatment/recovery?

James

[YS]

I apologise for being an ungrateful cow. I understand. I was looking for an easier way out. I am due to see my psychologist in a week. I have been putting it off for weeks. Avoidance is part of my condition and of me..

[james1]

Hello YS,

There is no need to apologise. We all understand what it's like to, as you say, avoid seeing the doctors and try to find an easier alternative. It's very difficult when all these other things are going wrong in our lives, but you've already done so much by trying to keep talking to us here. We just hope you can keep up the momentum because we've been through similar experiences - not the same - and know the importance of having a supportive doctor.

It is good to know you have that appointment in a week's time. How are you feeling today?

James

[White_Rose]

Hello YS

My apologies for not replying earlier. My excuse is that I have been sick and needed a rest before coming back here. I'm here now and ready to chat about the meaning of life. I think, according to the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, the answer is 42. Not being flippant, that part always makes me laugh.

You are not any specie of bovine. Neither do I think you are ungrateful. When living our lives feels like an eternity of pain it's understandable to feel neglected. While we cannot promise to be here in an instant when you need us, we will try to answer you as soon as possible. If you are feeling distressed and need someone to talk to straight away try phoning the BB helpline on 1300 22 4636 which is open 24/7.

Yes the avoidance trick seems so logical. If I can't see it, it doesn't exist, if I don't talk about, it will go away. If only...

Avoiding contact, immense guilt and lying to the people I love, I have not seen a psychologist for >2 months and have been drinking to avoid feeling the guilt. That's depression in general. Some people drink, some abuse the drugs they are given to heal, some indulge in other ways of distracting themselves.

Depression is no respecter of persons. No matter your age, gender, social status, finances, home, where you live, family, the black dog bites where it wants. Trying to decide why you are depressed is like the comment "Why me?" And the answer is "Why not?" No not trying to be funny, just an illustration of the randomness of depression.

So now that's out of the way we can concentrate on what you can change. Well the first obvious change is going to see the psychologist regularly. I don't imagine for one moment that this is going to be easy just because I said so. How can you make sure you attend? All the obvious things like not drinking of course but that's part of the problem. How long does it take you to get to the psych? Driving, public transport? Close enough to walk? Can you ask the psych to allow his receptionist to give give you a call just before the time you need to set out. Do you think this would help? Perhaps an SMS? What do you think will get you to the psych?

I will leave you with these thoughts. Try to think about what needs to happen to get you to the psych and come back here and talk about it.

Mary

[YS]

Thank oh to whiterose, james1 and also the moderator. I did posturing a bad time and feel very sorry for my words. It was not fair. I understand the moderators words and I am sorry. My psychologist's appointment is in 10 days time as I cancelled the last time again.. I desperately need to as there is no one else I feel I can speak to. I have been lying about going to work to my family and my husband and I am afraid of disappointing them to the point that they would leave esp my husband... I am an idiot for putting off seeing professionals when I very much need to...unfortunately the psychologist is about an hour away but that is no excuse either.

[White_Rose]

Hello YS

I gather you wrote a post that was held back by the moderators. That's OK, when you feeling horrible yourself and don't know what to do. BB needs to make sure you are safe and also anyone else. Being safe can include posts that are abusive in any way. I have no idea what you said and now it doesn't matter as you have listened to the mods.

Cancelled again. I can understand how much you want to drink despite knowing it does not help in the long run. Please make sure there is no alcohol in your home. Do you have any family or friends nearby? Can you ask one of them to go with you to see the psych? If someone comes to collect you, so to speak, would that be enough to get you to the psych? It's certainly worth trying.

It's these sort plans that can help you to heal. Can you think of any other activities where getting someone to prompt you would be helpful? I see you have not told your husband or family about your depression. You need to tell your husband so he can support you. We all need help, especially for mental illness because it drags us so much.

My depression is not bad at the moment but I am recovering from a couple of illnesses and I am exhausted. I need time off from my usual activities to simply recuperate. But sometimes I find getting up to make a coffee is almost beyond me. I know our issues are not the same but the feeling of being useless is the same. It is a battle to take the smallest step, literally or metaphorically. Pleas make sure you keep the next appointment with your psych.

When you write in again can you tell me one way that will help you get to see your psych.

Mary

[YS]

Thank you so much for your reply. None of my posts have been held back...I just felt really bad for being so selfish...I can understand to some extent the lack of motivation and energy to get up to do anything...it is hard for anyone to say anything because more often than not there isn't anyone there in the moment with you...my husband and family have a good idea of the depression but not of the drinking...I am so ashamed and full of guilt. My sister has asked and suggested the same thing as you I.e. if it is better if someone came with me but I don't think so...the weird thing is I enjoy the trip to the psychologist...via the ferry on the water.. so it doesn't make sense...frustrated at myself...