Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

[YS]

Hi, this is my first post. I have been diagnosed with melancholic depression but have been experiencing the symptoms for many years prior. I am on an antidepressant but am struggling all the same. Due to the characteristics of melancholic depression I.e. Avoiding contact, immense guilt and lying to the people I love, I have not seen a psychologist for >2 months and have been drinking to avoid feeling the guilt. I am in danger of being unemployed as I have been avoiding work (calling in sick too many times). All of this seem to be an endless cycle with no way out. I know that I need to take the step to go and see my G.P. and the psychologist but instead I stay at home stewing in my guilt. I work the the healthcare profession but I feel lost as I do not understand why I am feeling like this. I have a loving husband and a loving family so I have no reason to feel like this. It seems to add to me feeling lost and like I'm spiralling into a hole...

[Coffeebean]

Your words could have been written by me. I'm sorry that I haven't any advice, but I want to let you know you're not alone. Have you spoken with your employer?

CB

[YS]

Hi Coffeebean, thank you for replying. I have and he has been very generous over the years. I don't know what to do. I know that if he gives me time off, I don't think that would help me, it just gives me more time to drink and feel guilty. I wish I could just get up and do things, things other people seem to do naturally. I don't know why I'm this way.

[Coffeebean]

That's good you have an understanding boss.

You said that you need to see your GP and psychologist. I'm the sort of person who will keep an appointment but I have a hard time making it in the first place. My husband had to make my first appointment with my GP to see him about treatment. He also had to make my first psychologist appointment. It's crazy that just the act of making an appointment should be so hard!

I hope you get a good night sleep. Are you working on the weekend?

CB

[geoff]

hello YS, feeling stuck like this and only wanting to consume alcohol always appears to help you out, but what it is doing is only making it harder for you to go and see your doctor.
You know that this isn't good for you, plus the lying where someday you will be caught out and then your situation will only become worse.
I was an alcoholic when I was in depression it pushed everything away and was in denial until something bad happened which woke me up, so I had to start counselling, although in the end, my wife divorced me, this is something you have to avoid.
Staying at home and drinking is not going to help you in the long run, sure it maybe a cushion for you at the moment, but from my experience, it only stalls you from getting the help you know you need but maybe too frightened, please don't be.
I do agree with you, if you take time off then it maybe an excuse to drink more, I don't think that's a good idea, but you have to be careful about your job, because that too may catch up with you, I certainly hope not.
With myself I only drink socially now for health reasons, plus the reaction from the medication I take, so I have to be very careful how much I drink, and it's certainly nothing like what I was drinking before, it's minimal now. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear YS

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. As you can see from the number of posts in the Depression forum, there are many people taking this journey although we are all slightly different. I looked up melancholic depression to see how it differed from general depression. Apparently it's now considered part of the Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) as many of the symptoms are the same as MDD. I can certainly relate to that. So much sadness and crying, so much lack of energy and motivation to do anything. It is really hard.

I was going to ask about ADs but I see you are taking one. I gather it's not working successfully. The article I read said although SSRI medication is the most popular for depression it doesn't always work for some people. This article suggested using an older drug from the Tricyclic group. Sometimes using both. As you need to see your GP again you could have a discussion with him/her about meds. There are so many of them that changing may be a better fit for you.

I used to see a psychiatrist many years ago and like most doctors they made the next appointment before I left. After a while I asked to have a standing date which made it easier than looking for another appointment date each time you visit. Perhaps you could ask your psychologist to give you a set and day. Tuesday at 10:00am once a fortnight, or whatever. This will help avoid the necessity to keep making appointments.

I see Coffeebean has suggested you ask your husband to make the next appointments with your GP and psych That's a great idea and will save you getting anxious about it. When you see the psych, remember to ask for a regular booking and explain how you feel about it.

So many people say they have no reason to be depressed, and that's probably right. Sadly the black dog bites where it feels like regardless of age, gender, financial means, working or not, parents. There is no reason. I think you are doing the same as many others, beating yourself up because it's your fault you are depressed. That's untrue. Sadly the odds of winning the lotto are less than becoming depressed. Please try to accept you are not at fault and there is no reason why you should be depressed rather than your next door neighbour.

Geoff has talked about drinking so I will leave his comments with you. Please keep in touch here and get those appointments made. We are always here.

Mary

[YS]

Thank you Geoff and white rose for your replies. It is helpful to realise that I can talk to others about this. I did have a standing appointment with the psychologist but it was too easy for me to cancel all of those then drink to forget that I had done it. Too easy to stay alone and in my hole...trying to keep others away with lies...you are right Geoff..I have to try every day not to drink, stay married and continue to work..if not, I will only fall further in the deep hole. I have made the appointment with the psychologist and I am going to try very hard to go. I know it will help me.

[geoff]

hi YS, thanks for getting back to us, I understand your predicament, that's how the alcohol has control over you, and yes you're not alone because as I've said I was exactly the same as how you are now.
We believe that the grog ( and I say grog for a reason) will just make us feel better and it may seem as though it does, only until it wears off and guilt sets in and you ask yourself 'why didn't I keep the appointment', 'I know I should have', so can you see that your only building more issues that need to be addressed.
I'm not saying that you have to give up the grog, that can only be decided by yourself, people may tell you to, but that just makes you want to drink more, but what I would do is when you do go and see your psychologist be open with from the start and say that you do drink alcohol and realise it maybe because of certain circumstances, but I would prefer you didn't harp on telling me to stop, because that has to come from you.
This will then clear the air or perhaps you could write down what you want to say to them, rather than having to say it yourself. Geoff.

[YS]

Thank you Geoff for your reply... I am still struggling...Drinking is still too tempting.. my appointment with the psychologist is coming up.... I hope I turn up...it's weird. I don't want to be unemployed but I still don't turn up for work... I know I'm in denial but I can't help it...why is it so hard? It should be easy to stop and live like other people live but it isn't...what am I waiting for? A lazy way out I guess.... I am not worth it..

[YS]

What kind of help do I need?