Feel like I’m always wrong

[Lost_Alone]

I feel like I’m trying to constantly accept and or validate how others feel and to help them. My own thoughts and feelings are often challenged or feel like they are being dismissed as less important. I know I’m not always right but surely I’m not always wrong either. When I try to share my feelings or thoughts about how im coping ir my concerns about issues I often get I'm too controlling or judgemental ir that other people have much worse. Even my partner says that mental health stuff is just a form of spontaneous nonsense or he says that even with all of his challenges in life he’s never felt that way and that I should just think about all I have to be grateful for. Which I know has a place but….I still feel. 
he constantly rants on about negatives and I don’t feel supported emotionally or trying to help my children emotionally. 
My youngest has spent 2 nights in a mental health ward and I feel like lots of it is my fault because I don’t approve of some of her friends - I don’t see them as being a positive influence in her life and worry that they are leading her into a troubled life…which is kind of where we are now. I don’t want her to have to go through this but I am powerless. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Lost_alone,

Wow what a raw post thank you. Well your thoughts and feelings won't be invalidated here just to let you know. A lot of us, me included, have struggled with rejection, isolation and dismissal in the past and know how difficult it can be. I have grown a lot by simply having this space to share and use my own experience to try and help others as well. 

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation with your child with it affecting your own mental health as well. It's tough to give specific advice but I would definitely suggest seeking professional help for both you and your daughter. This can help you a lot with again validating your feelings and giving you a different perspective on things and it could also help your daughter with her issues and relationships too. In the meantime, for my experience, it might be best to refrain from approving or disapproving of your daughters relationship as it might push her away from you. At least until you have sought professional help for both you.

Hope that helps.

Bob

[Lost_Alone]

Thanks for your reply Bob_22. 
Raw is a really good way to describe how I feel at the moment. 
my daughter came home today and I think I have cried about 6 times, albeit briefly. 
I agree that talking to her about her friend isn’t going to go down well at the moment. Another friend tried to express their thoughts about the same friend and it was met with an angry response and she has cut them off for now. I can’t take that risk. 
Unfortunately the friend in question is 6yrs older and is quite manipulative. Of course my daughter can’t see that. 
it was hard to bring her home today and then have her leave for the afternoon to catch up with a bunch of her friends. Thankfully she could see I was struggling and was messaging me regularly. 

My mental health is suffering. As part of our conversation today I promised my daughter I would get some counselling to try to help correct things. I’m hoping she will follow my lead too. 

[therising]

Hi Lost_Alone

I believe to love simply is easy whereas to love deeply can be so incredibly challenging in so many ways. You obviously love your daughter deeply and she's blessed to have someone love her this much. I have a 17yo son and 20yo daughter and I'm a mum who loves them both deeply to the point where it hurts, especially when I witness their suffering. I'd have to say the hardest part of parenting comes down to feeling for our child.

I think our kids develop us, leading us to evolve in ways we never thought possible. It's amazing how they can lead us or even force us at times to evolve into a more patient person, more of a deeply loving person, an outside the square thinker/problem solver etc. While we imagine we're raising them, truth is they've also been raising us all along in so many ways.

I'm super big on the importance of feelings. While they may appear to be a curse at times, they're significant leaders in decision making and they can be truth tellers when it comes certain situations. Wondering if your daughter has the ability to feel 'red flags' (feelings that can point to the truth). With that manipulator in her life, I imagine she's felt a few red flags when interacting with them but maybe brushed those feelings off, perhaps through self doubt. Maybe it's a matter of leading her to question the red flag moments. For example, if she was to say 'I don't know why I feel so upset when he says these things to me', someone may say 'How does that upset feel? Where do you feel it?'. If her response is 'I feel it hit my chest', that may be the feeling of heartbreak. So the question becomes 'Do you wonder why he says such heartbreaking things? Why do you think he gives himself the freedom to break your heart?'. Not always easy to feel red flags or translate their meaning. If your daughter's ever expressed an interest in developing intuition, this may present an opportunity (to exercise it/practice on him).

I've found sometimes my kids know best and I have to trust their call. With your daughter directing you toward counseling, would you say (with her trying to raise you to meet this challenge) she's one of your guides in life?

[Bob_22]

Hi Lost_Alone,

Thank for your reply and update. It's great to hear that you've considered seeking professional help and I help you are able to get an appointment soon as well. It is also great that your daughter can see when you're struggling. It sounds like you both have a special relationship.

Yes it must be difficult knowing your daughter is not keeping the best company at the moment. However, the fact that she is still close to you is a great sign and I'm sure she is taking on board any opinions or advice you have given. Though she may not be following you and your friend's advice I am sure she has given it some thought. Like you said, hopefully when she sees you receiving professional support she will follow your lead. There are some great resources for young people these days wanting to speak to someone. The one that comes to mind is headspace. If your daughter is keen to visit a centre by herself she can find her closest headspace centre here: https://headspace.org.au/headspace-centres/ 

I would definitely recommend doing some research and checking them out. Hope that helps.

Bob

[Lost_Alone]

Here we are, a year on, and there have been some improvements but still such a long way to go. 
My daughter has begun to see a professional for assistance. I am very grateful for this. 
I thought I was doing ok for a while and so

i didnt pursue help. This was a mistake. I made an appointment recently but it had to be cancelled. I’m going to have to try again. I am a complete mess at the moment and feel very alone.