Feel like a loser

[Clea]

Hi I'm feeling really low at the moment.  I feel like I always lose in life. As a child my parents abandoned me for many months and I never knew why.  I blamed myself thinking I must have done something really wrong. They came back and I tried to be the perfect child. As a teen I began to have my own opinions but if I expressed them my father abused my mother saying she had brain washed me.  They had an abusive relationship and mum finally left. Dad would sit outside my window every single night crying while I was trying to get through year 12. When I was 23 my father suddenly died. I met a great partner got married had my first child and mum died when my child was one.  I have no other family besides the one I created. We had another child and I felt like I needed more as my family unit is so small. I begged and begged and begged and husband always said no. I've felt bitter as he has four siblings, two nieces and his parents. None of whom ever help us but he has this huge extended family and mine is so tiny. I am grateful for the kids I have but miss my parents, miss having family help and miss having more kids. On top of all that I hate every job I've had and so feel lost work wise. If you've read this far thanks for listening.

[therising]

Hi Clea

You sound like such a beautiful person, especially given how much love you wish to share with more than 2 children. I feel so deeply for you, with all that you've faced and still face today, as you manage your best in moving through life with such grief and disappointment.

I'm a mum of 2 myself, a 19yo gal and nearly 17yo guy. I have to say, they're 2 of the most incredible people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. There are days where I still can't believe I produced 2 such amazing human beings. Our believe our kids lead us to evolve in the most amazing of ways, leading us to more patience, more love, more wonder, more adventure, more self understanding and the list goes on. I think, as we raise our kids, they raise us at the same time, in a number of ways. It was actually my kids that led me to define love. I could not help but think one day 'What is love?'. Why do I love my kids more than anything? I thought what is the difference between them and everyone else in my life? Then it dawned...they are the 2 whose evolution I'm invested in the most, in ways which would lead me to do just about anything for them, changing myself in any way they needed. Then I looked at the word 'evolution' and noticed the first 4 letters of that word. I turned them around and there it was, love. Not only did I love them but I realised, through our relationship, they were leading me to love myself, evolve myself. Our kids are a gift in the way they grow us.

While I chose to stop at 2, that didn't stop me from wanting to be a foster parent some years back. My husband said 'No'. I can relate to the resentment in not having a choice when it comes to wanting to love more kids, not being able to give or share more of what's inside of you. It can be so hard to manage at times, that much loving energy. We remain a little power team, my kids and I. Wondering whether you and your 2 are a similar team, 3 powerful peas in a pod.

Wondering if you've ever worked in the care industry. Sounds like you have a lot to give.

[smallwolf]

Hi. Firstly, I echo the sentiments expressed by "therising". As mentioned ... you sound like a very caring person. 

You have had to deal with a lot in your life so far. That your hubby's side of the family do not appear to help would make me feel like an outsider and alone. Do you feel you are part of their family at all?

On the work front... I have worked in IT for most of my life. It is what lead to my break down. After seeing a psychologist for some time, we did an exercise on core beliefs and value and this helped me to work out what sort of things I should be doing. And I have been taking steps in that direction. 

It sounds you are frustrated both at home and at work? 

The next part is a little cliché but ... if your problems were put into small box on your bedside table one night. And as you slept, some magical happened and your problems and the ripple effect changed other parts of your life. The next morning when you awoke ...

what would be different? what sort of work would you do? what about your relationships? etc.

Yes... this is the miracle question, and one that has been put to me on occasion. 

[ecomama]

Dear Clea, you sound so sweet and lovely. How are you feeling lately? 

Isn't it strange how you said you feel like a loser but all I see is a winner? You have your health. A husband. 2 children. 

That stuff that happened in our childhood / earlier life has probably impacted your present life very strongly.
I say this mainly because your expressions about this time fills most of your initial post. 
There are very affordable Counsellors available through places like Baptist Care. And no they're not religious freaks lol, just managed by this NGO. It could be very valuable to process these feelings with a trained person. I've benefited so much from a Counsellor, that's why I'm suggesting one. 

A Counsellor could also help you work out a field of work you might feel very rewarded joining. 
Otherwise and at the same time too... you can continue to hang out with us as the previous to posters said exactly the elements I saw in your post. You seem like a very giving person who could nurture children so beautifully. You most definitely KNOW what a child needs! You could begin volunteering in schools and move to a paid position as a Support Officer? Same with Nursing Homes. Just depends on your instincts on which area would make you feel the most rewarded. 

You've done so well to go on with your life after such hardship as a child / as a young person. Your husband's family can become your family, especially if you can work to release your resentment over them. Aunties are so precious! Daughter in laws can be such Angels to their parents in law. 
You have the capacity to change this dynamic if you feel so inclined. 

Here for you if you'd like to keep sharing, 
Love EM

[Whimbo]

Hi Clea,

It sounds like you have had a lot of hurt in your life. Sometimes when we're feeling down in the dumps a lot of negative memories, feelings, and conceptions about our lives can come bubbling to the surface. Much like, when we're in a good headspace, it's easier to practice gratitude and look at the things were are blessed with.

It's great that you are thinking so deeply about your life and working hard to understand how you got to the place you're in now. You understand that your husband has his reasons for not wanting to have more kids, and you understand why you want to grow your family - it seems like you want to make up for the fact that your family is much smaller than you'd like, I hope that's fair to say. Having a great sense of introspection and insight into your narrative is an excellent strength when trying to navigate these low moments.

Perhaps talking to this with a counsellor or a GP will help? Our relationship with our parents is the first, and most important relationship we have, and it forms our understanding (or 'schemas') of how all the relationships in our lives work. Counselling can help you recognize how you form biases in your relationships, and it can empower you to look more objectively at each relationship you have, and how your schemas could be affecting your perception of them.