Family & work is this all there is ...

[anonymous85231]

I'm struggling.

In the last decade my life has changed substantially and I'm not sure for the better. In the last decade I fell in love, followed her to the other side of the world, got married, had a kid, qualified in my profession got a couple of promotions ... everything you could want right?

Between the stress of my job, the lack of intimacy in my marriage, a kid that takes any remaining energy I have, the lack of friends I now have because I moved to a country where I know no-one and no time to make new ones, Covid and isolation has ended other friendships I just don't see a way out.

Add to this the wife wanting a second kid (and time is against her), we want to buy a house, but the added financial stress of doing so scares the crap out of me and throw in a healthy dose of my mother-in-law having lived with us for the last 16 months as she got stuck in this country because of covid and I find myself wanting to scream.

9 months ago I was feeling similar. I decided to share some of this with my wife (mother-in-law, intimacy) but nothing changed. I asked to go for family counselling to address our mismatched libido but she says it's a function of our kid taking all her energy and her mother being here. At that point we hadn't had sex in over a year. Now the only time we are intimate is when she thinks she's ovulating and even then it's once every couple of months at best. I also decided back then to focus more on myself, got back in the gym, tried to make plans away from the family, but fast forward and I just dont have the energy to do so.

It's reached the stage where I just want to sleep all day. I can barely drag myself out of bed let along engage with others. I'm increasingly irritable at work.

I love my wife, most days I love my job, I love my son. So why do I feel like this. What is wrong with me?

[Croix]

Dear anonymous85231~

Welcome here to the Forum, a friendly place where I suspect many have felt as you do. Actually you sound at the end of your tether and I’m not surprised. I’m not sure you realise al the magnitude of stress that comes with the matters you have to deal with. Stress can make you ill.

Coming to a new country, (even if it happens to speak your native language) is a huge undertaking, with a different social structure, none of the people, places and other things you are used to. Even the TV is different. And if you have left family or friends behind an important source of support has vanished.

Having anyone, even someone good natured and accommodating, living with you and your wife and child permanently 24/7 is a burden, leaving you without the natural release of humour or anger that are part of normal family life, one can feel restrained all the time. Add to that it is your wife’s mother, and you may feel she is closer to her than you are comfortable with.

Lack of intimacy can be very complicated, and first I’d suggest ruling out any physical reasons (my apologies if you have both done so). If not that it becomes a two-person job to solve, admittedly a demanding child and a mother in law there may well be a great dampener. Perhaps if the pair of you were to regularly get away alone for a few days matters might improve -what do you think?

Finances for a house and a second child might simply not be achievable as things stand, and despite a biological clock may have to be shelved. Even without finances being taken into consideration it sounds as if one child is sapping all your extra energy.

Trying to cope with everything and meet every demand has worn you down, and I guess there are two things I’d suggest, the first being to see your GP and explain everything in a long consultation. This may establish if you have reached a stage where medical help will allow you to cope better and with more perspective on priorities. Wanting to sleep all day is a very big warning flag as I know.

The second is no matter what try each day for time for you. If the gym is too demanding something else, that you enjoy and can look forward to. Reading is my way and I anticipate happily reading a few more chapters of an evening. This is not selfish, it is therapy.

I hope you come back and talk more

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Anonymous, thanks for coming to the forums.

Having your MIL live with you can certainly change your relationship with not only yourself but your wife and your son and can create any lack of feeling romantic because of interruptions.

My MIL lived with us, but she was always supporting me and no trouble at all, I was fortunate, whereas if my Mum was to do the same, it may have been difficult, although I loved her dearly, she was different to my MIL.

Not having sex in over a year must make it difficult to understand why your wife wants another baby, as there would have been an opportunity within that year to be intimate and to toss up between having another child or buy a house is not an easy decision, although I realise this may be happening at the time to do so, even at a couple of months.

You ask 'what is wrong with me', by wanting to sleep and unable to get out of bed is an indication that you're not feeling well mentally, and I can say this because that's what happened to me as well as to many others who post/reply on this site and need assistance starting with your doctor.

No matter how qualified anyone is, at times it's impossible for them to overcome this feeling by themselves, you can't find solutions or even if you do, then it may not be possible to implement them because of the situation they're in.

You will find it difficult to make a rational decision because when we feel like this, there are too many hurdles we're unable to jump over, that's when external help is needed.

Instead of the gym, you could consider the 'Men's Shed' where people have been in a similar situation themselves and may be of some great value in helping you, but also please visit your GP, who may refer you to a psychologist, and ask them about 'the mental health plan', this allows you 10 Medicare paid sessions per year, but when you're available please get back to us.

Geoff.