Hello all, new here

[bee_w21]

Hi all,

I will say I am new here because it has been a quite a few years since I have posted.

I little background on me - I'm in my mid-thirties, I moved interstate around 8 years ago to pursue further study, but also to kind of escape from a toxic longterm romantic relationship and toxic family dynamic. Growing up my father was quite abusive (emotionally and sometimes physically) and I was bullied quite a lot in school. I would say my self esteem has been very low for most of my life, and on reflection I would say I have been experiencing anxiety and depression since I was a child. I have also had issues with alcohol abuse, which seems to run in my family.

Moving interstate was the best decision for me, but those first few years were very difficult. My self esteem was in shreds, and the only person I knew was the best friend of my ex-partner. While they were supportive and lots of fun in some ways, they were also quite narcisstic and quite into the party scene. During that time I was drunk and hungover a lot, whilst also trying to study full time and work to support myself. I managed to obtain my degree but I performed very poorly. I was also struggling with quite a lot of social anxiety which made it difficult to form friendships and so I was quite lonely a lot of the time. And I was constantly looking outside of myself for validation, felt very lost and out of touch with who I really was, and so that made it difficult to connect with others.

I would say now that I am in quite a good place. I've cut some toxic people out of my life and formed some good friendships - not heaps, but a few that feel fulfilling. I have a wonderful partner who shares my vision of what a good life is. We live in a great neighboorhood, in a modest but comfortable apartment, and we have enough money to treat ourselves to nice experiences. I know I have a good life and there is so much to be grateful for, but I still have days when I feel very low and empty, and I struggle to get out of bed. I think mostly I just feel numb, and then I'll have one really bad day once a week where I spend the day in bed crying. I was seeing a psychologist but I got the point where it started to feel indulgent - I wasn't feeling distressed, but I wasn't feeling good, and I didn't know how to move forward. I started to feel ashamed for feeling the way I did given the hardships many others are experiencing, and so I stopped and now I just feel stuck.

[Croix]

Dear Bee_w21~

I could not find any old posts under that name (maybe I'm a lousy looker:) so I will welcome you as if it is your first visit.

You have had a fair number of hard things thrown at you by life and it is not surprising that you have not emerged unscathed.

Still you have handled it all in a most wise manner, moving way from all the people and circumstances that had or were still, injuring you. On top of that you have shown great determination and ability to obtain your degree despite your past and despite the negative influence of your "sort of" freinds and alcohol. It is really an impressive set of feats.

Now your life has turned around and you have a wonderful partner and a good environment. It would be nice if you always felt happy as a result, however the past is still at least partly left inside you, after all abuse, bullying and toxic people do injure a person, even if it does not show on the outside.

So if you spend roughly one day in seven reacting to that past and being unable to cope it simply shows that the wisdom, tenacity and strenght you used before still have a way to go.

Getting professional mental help was spot-on (as I found) however that does not mean every therapist is right for every task or every person. It sounds like you may have gone as far as you can with that particular psychologist and were discouraged, feeling that things could not improve more.

That is a far cry from indulgence -you still have a while to go, and other people's troubles, better or worse, are irrelevant.

Can I suggest you go back, see your GP in an extended consultation and talk abut those days you can't function well, and the fact your psych was not really helping you improve. See where that leads, perhaps a new approach by your old psych, perhaps a different one.

I had a partner who tried hard to support me and was a real comfort. I ended up (after a long time it's true) being able to talk to her about all of it -may I ask if you have anyone in your life who can give you unconditional support? Facing this alone wold be extra hard.

Croix

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