Fallen again

[Elises]

Hi I'm new here but Im certainly not new to the paralysing fear depression brings.

Throughout most of my life I have felt detached from society, ashamed of myself, constantly fearing tomorrow etc and always ached to know why. I guess I convinced myself that I must have deserved to feel like this.

I finally partially got my stuff together after a drug fuelled and failed adolescence. Studied, got a good job then imploded. I was diagnosed with PTSS 4 years ago. Working in a job I loved helped to focus on something other than my own thoughts for 9 hours a day but the other 15 were tough.

I began healing with meds and therapy but all too soon thought I'd be OK on my own. I've fallen down again for the 3rd time in a few years. I decided to take some me time as I was feeling great... but too much time alone for me turns into alcoholic binges, forgetting meds and the feelings return.

I have only achieved very few things that were on my "to do list" and my breaks nearly over. I feel ashamed of that too. I guess this is my first step in getting back on the healing wagon. I feel a little lighter even now. Thanks.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Elises

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.

There’s a lot of positives in your message, which I’d like to draw on.  Firstly are you still in employment?   9 hours a day – must have been some sort of job – way more than I work anyway.  🙂  

Also very good to read about your “me time” happening – however, the forgetting to take meds is not a good thing, as you would already know.  These must be taken like clock-work – so they become so instilled in you and it’s so routine that you never forget.

With regard to your ‘to do’ list – I’m taking it to a completely different context – you have said that you’ve achieved a few things.  Tick VG (very good);  that’s great;  achieving a few things is far far better than not achieving anything at all.  Me thinks that your list might have been too long.  But that’s ok as well – having a long list, gives you choice and flexibility.  The thing with goals, is to yes, set them, but make them achievable – so that way you feel good about yourself and that you’ve actually accomplished something.

Thanx again for posting and I do hope you’re able to write back if you feel like it.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Hello Elises

Welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you telling us your story and for trusting us. I hope we can give you comfort and hope on your journey.

I want to echo Neil's comments. You got up from your adolescence and have gone to un,i then found a job you love. That is no mean feat for anyone and especially great when you have had to overcome huge obstacles.

You say you began healing with medication and therapy. That's great! Can you start these things again? Perhaps go back to the psych who helped you? You know it's part of the journey to believe we can cope on our own way before we are really ready. It's a story most people here can relate to. But so what!  Starting again is OK, it's part of the learning.

Having said that I hastily add that I did the same. Well actually I refused medication for a long time on the grounds that it was not necessary. What a sad move that was. But hey, I'm still here to tell the story and commiserate with others who fall into the same trap. I believe that those who try to run before they can walk show lots of determination to get well and are very likely to come to a place where they can manage their lives well.  Think of it as a positive in your life.

Does your 'me time' mean that you have taken time off work? If so that was very brave of you. What have you been doing during this time? When you return to work can you continue at least some of the things you were doing while off work? It may help to fill the blanks after work.

Achievements for anyone take time and patience. Every time I talk about patience I have a giggle to myself. My psych considers that patience is not one of my virtues, so every time I say that word I imagine the skeptical look on his face or alternatively imagine him rolling round the floor laughing. Well, I'm learning.

But I digress. It is a huge achievement to recognise you have fallen and have the determination to get up again. Lots of folk prefer to take the victim line and say they cannot do anything. So you are looking for help and support. The first very important steps.

The conviction that you deserve all your miseries is also a common trait of depression. I have struggled for years with this and only recently have I come to realise this is not the case. I know it's not easy to get out of this mindset because, if you are like me, you want someone to prove you are a good and worthwhile person.

So prove it to yourself. Whoops, out of word allowance. Will finish later.

Warm regards

Mary