Failing at life

[BM111]

Hi, Im not too sure what Im trying to achieve by posting on here. Ive never spoken about my feelings to anyone but I just feel today, I need to do. Ive always felt pretty flat throughout life but have always just ‘’got on with it’. Ive tried to keep busy in life. Im educated, I work full time and I try to do things which I enjoy. As time goes on I’m realizing that not much gives me enjoyment anymore (if ever it did). Ive always tried to put on a happy face but I just feel so tired of pretending.Im 34 now and the older I get the harder things feel for me. Life just feels like its passing me by. I feel like Im not living, just existing. I feel so incredibly lonely and worry that this is how I will always feel. I have a couple of friends here and there and I always try and organise catch-ups, but being my age, most of my friends have families and are always busy. I’m no one’s priority. A big issue for me is my romantic life. Ive never had a boyfriend which makes me feel so embarrassed that I avoid talking about it or even lie. There have been a few guys here and there over the years but nothing has ever turned serious. I used to think maybe I was just unlucky in love but now Im pretty sure that the problem is me. I dont think I’m incredibly ugly, but I am a quiet person which most men don’t seem to like. Ive tried dating over the years, but always seem to get rejected in one way or another. Rejection is hard for everyone, but for me its such a deeply hurtful thing. Clearly I mustn’t be good enough. These days I find Im torn between wanting to spend time with friends and avoiding it altogether. I cant help but feel so jealous of other peoples lives and relationships. I get that you cant see problems people might have but I think these people are so lucky for having something good, even if only for a short period of time. People always say having a partner isn’t everything, but for me its pretty important. I think its a pretty reasonable thing to want in life. The older I get the more stressed and upset I become because I feel like an absolute failure of life. It doesn’t help when I get constantly asked when am I going to find a boyfriend. It makes me feel even more worthless and I struggle to hold back the tears. Life is pretty shit when you have no one to share it with. Sometimes I have great experiences or see beautiful things but what’s the point if Im the only one seeing it. Im just sick of feeling this way all the time but really cant see things changing

[Skyonara]

Hi BM111

youre 34? I think you are still at your prime! 100%

i am reading your post and it says youre working full time. Its so good youre working hard for yourself and you can keep busy that way.

i want you to know that my mum was with my dad for a very long time. From 20 - 40 years of age. It wasnt the best relationship. My mum ended up remarrying at 50 and ive never seen her so happy.

you have all the time in the world to carefully choose someone perfect for you. I understand you are seeing people jn relationships, but sometimes theyre not always perfect. Yiu may not have found someone now but there will always be someone for you in due course xx

just do you and do your best x

[missingpuzzlepiece]

BM111 said:

Life just feels like its passing me by. I feel like Im not living, just existing. I feel so incredibly lonely and worry that this is how I will always feel.

Im just sick of feeling this way all the time but really cant see things changing

Hey BM,

It was those two lines that made me think over what I have been through. Turns out it these are common thoughts for people with Dysthymia. It is a perstant low mood disorder that often goes years undiagnosed because a person just thinks, this is what is normal. I often thought eveyone felt this way and I was deluded thinking I deserved any better.

So please, call your GP, have a pshyciatrist assessment, then find a psycholgist that can fit into your busy life and start getting better, because it does make a difference, and things do get better.

I had a thought that might work with replying to freinds and family about that other thing, just say "yeh I think i am too picky, I am working on it." Let it become a lighthearted joke, it wont stop their comments, but at least you can quickly deflect them and puts an end to the conversation quicker.

Hope this helps, just take a few steps that will feel uncomfortable at first, but it is a path that could see amazing changes for you.

[Crss]

I don't know if this is appropriate to post. But I wanted to THANK YOU BM111 for posting this. After reading your comment if felt like I was reading word for word my own inner monolog during times I have felt depressed in my life. I am also 34, no boyfriend, quiet, not a lot of friends, stressed and lonely. But your post made me feel less lonely. You are not alone.

I have found that spending time with the friends that I have (even if its just the one or two or three) helps. Even if it's a quick phone call/message etc 'hi', 'how is the family', 'hope you're well' 'thought of you today' etc. Someone told me that friendships are started and maintained by interactions however small or big. It hurts me to death that my friends have 'moved on' from me. But looking back I have managed to maintain friendships which were small at first but have grown in time. I know that may sound shit in the lonely moments, but these friends have recognised times where I have needed help or company. At the moment I have only a couple of friends. But they are the friends that are supportive and want to spend time with me.

Small steps, small movements in life are often overlooked, but they help keep life going.

I hope this helps especially in these times of isolation.

Stay safe, keep busy, thank you once again.

[bluenight]

Hey BM

Yes I feel the same, i'm a couple years older and male and it's a horrible feeling watching everyone you know move on with their lives. It's a hard time, it's good to know others feel similar to how I do. I've always been an introvert and in recent years it's turned into a little bit of social anxiety. I just don't know where to meet people anymore.

[Jess_P]

Hi BM111,

Thank you for your post. I’m like you, 36yo, single female, well educated with a good job. I try to act like I don’t need anyone, but the right someone would really be nice. I have been single for over 10 years. And like you I am very scared of getting hurt.
I don’t know how it will work out but I feel less alone after reading your message. Thanks again.