Empty and alone

[iamthecheese]

I am 25 years old, and have a masters degree in accounting.

 After graduating in May 2014, I got a job in October 2014 as an estimator at a lighting distributor company. I hated it. Offices are not my thing, which is a shame because my degree almost demands I work in an office setting. I was fired in April of this year due to being caught applying for another job on a company computer. Yes, I'm aware this was very stupid, and have been reminded by everyone I've told. So please... do not refer to this as I'm aware what I did was stupid. Honestly though, I was happy that I was fired because I hated working there.

 It is now 5 months later and I am still jobless, largely in part by my lack of search for a job. I find it difficult to search for a job when I have no motivating factors to get one, other than to move out of my parents home. I feel empty inside all the time and lonely. But it is if my body/mind has gotten used to being lonely, so I don't even feel it anymore. I have the worst luck when it comes to women. I have had one serious relationship in my 25 years of living, and it got messed up and now she's with someone else. I am overweight. I feel like as if my heart is completely broken in half and there is no fixing it. I can't even currently imagine finding the feelings for someone. I used to get a heart sinking feeling in my chest with loneliness and now I am just numb. I can experience laughter and I wouldnt say I'm severely depressed because I actually have gotten to the point where I feel absolutely nothing. I'm not even sure how much physical pain could effect me at this point. 

 My parents are getting tired of me not having a job. I have applied for some jobs, and am currently applying to some more. But my dad just came into my room screaming about how he cant sleep because of what Im doing to him. ... Because what I'm doing is deliberate clearly... 

I know that once I get a job and move out, my parents are going to see so much less of me. Another part of my understands where they are coming from, and knows that I am lucky to have parents that are willing to let me live with them. In no way am I saying that I have it worse of than some other people, but in my opinion it's all relative. 

 I have seen a therapist recently, and I honestly feel like it is little to no help to me because I recognize what is wrong and I just feel too unmotivated to fix it. 

[geoff]

dear Itc, sorry to abbreviate your user name, but thanks for letting us talk with you.

I can well and truly understand that being in a situation like you are in, that loneliness feels like it's the best opinion, it just grows on you, and before you realise it's where you want to be.

I have a feeling that you regret losing your g/friend, especially as she is going out with someone else, and with this along comes disappointment and perhaps a bit angry, with yourself and with her, well this isn't the first time this has happened, I'm sure it's a constant feeling, so you're not out of the norm.

If you are trained and well educated but unemployed then parents do become agitated, but this not your fault, especially the way you are feeling, because for you to be able to work now seems unlikely until you feel better, but some parents are oblivious to this.

I don't know how close you are with your parents, maybe with your mum, but have you told them or wanted to tell them exactly how you are feeling.

From what you have said it would seem to be unlikely that you could tell your dad, however if you did then he may change his attitude towards you, that's a decision you can talk to us about if you want to.

When you say that you feel 'nothing', then this puts you on the fine line to becoming depressed, and that's what worries me, added to the fact that you feel as you are overweight, and that by itself can be a strong factor for causing depression.

Can I ask and only answer if you want to, are you on benefits from the government, and lets take it you are, then you can get bond money from centrelink, which means that you could move away out of your parents home, that by itself will make you feel better, and then you won't have the constant verbal tactics from your dad.

When we see a therapist/psychologist we presume that we will walk out feeling on top of the world, unfortunately not so, it takes awhile for the therapist to get to know you and then try and unravel our minds, this is never easy because we don't know what's going on ourselves.

Can I also suggest that you see your doctor as well just to get the ball rolling.

Hope that you can reply to us. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Cheese

Is it OK to call you by that name? I welcome you to Beyond Blue and very much hope we can assist you.

You've been through a bit of a rough time and feel very down and empty. Sadly that's the way depression works. Geoff has explained that we cannot expect an instant cure when we see a therapist. You say you are getting little or no help from your therapist as you already know what is wrong. It's great that you have this insight. The therapist needs to get to know you and also understand. Perhaps you could tell him/her what you believe is the problem and why you feel unable to rectify this situation.

It is the job of the therapist to help you explore these feelings in more depth and perhaps you can work together to reveal why you feel unable to address your difficulties. This is the real work to tackle and help you to get back on your energy and enthusiasm.

I often refer people to the information which is available on BB. I believe it is invaluable to understand your illness, just as it is important to understand why you feel full of aches and pains when you have the 'flu. It helps to understand why you should stay in bed for a couple of days, be kind to yourself and help your body to recover. I suggest you explore the blue tabs at the top of the page and read as much as possible about depression. It will take a little while to go through all the options and this will give you something constructive to do.

This information is available for download or to be sent to you. Please gather as much information as possible. Another source of information is the Black Dog Institution. Information on these sites is safe and accurate. Reading and thinking about it can help you understand what is happening and contribute to your return to health.

With regard to your therapist, try to become as engaged as possible. It's true that having some rapport with him/her is very useful but not the end of the world if it does not happen immediately. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango.

One other thought for you. Do you really feel a job as an accountant is what you want? Can you think of another area of interest where your skills are needed and which gives you satisfaction. What are your interests? I would love to hear about them.

Mary