Distressing time.

[Marys]

Hi I am going through a horrible / distressing time....friends are telling me to take one hour / one day at a time...I am trying to...however is there any other helpful hints people have out there..??At the moment it is very difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel..

[White_Rose]

Dear Marys

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. What is happening to you? Can you explain a little more?

In any distressing situation, taking one step at a time is good. I know how frustrating it is to want to get to the end of whatever is wrong. Keeping your focus on what to do in the immediate now is important. While you are fighting yourself by trying to do everything at once your thoughts and feelings will stay jumbled up.

I'm sure others have suggested this, but try to concentrate on your breathing. When you feel everything is getting on top of you, take some slow deep breaths and sit down. I know this feels wrong because of your anxiety to move on, but ultimately it will help you move on more quickly.

Another way I have found helpful is to write a list of tasks you need to complete. This helps you to get your mind in order and see where the priorities lie. It also helps you decide where you can ask others to help with those things that do not need your personal attention.

Eating may not be at the top of your to do list but make an effort to have some good food and drink regularly. Water is good though I must confess to a coffee addiction.

Let us know if there is more specific help we can give and tell us how you are travelling.

Regards

Mary

[geoff]

dear Mary, hello and thanks for giving us the chance to be able to talk to you.

Other people can say to us ' take one hour / one day at a time', true, but this isn't helping the needs that is needed to help us even try and overcome our feelings of anxiety or perhaps depression, so what we would really like is for them to sit down and ask how we are feeling and just to talk to us, especially when we are going through such a horrible/distressing time.

So much can happen to us in a day and all the problems keep mounting up, so a day is far too long, it has to be addressed now, because you need all the support you can get.

Please trust us because all of us have been through it, and many are still trying to understand it, but with each person they will have different issues to address, but we all try and help each other. L Geoff. x

[Marys]

Thankyou for suggestions White Rose, and I will certainly take the advise you have given on board. It is just hard to control the anxiety (& the depression) and try to get through it day to day at the moment. I'm finding i'm not eating that well, and don't have much on an appetite and am also finding I am not sleeping very well at all either. Seems it is before 3am before I get any sleep at all - and then that's even very limited. I definitely don't want to start taking sleeping pills. I guess i'm finding it hard getting even through the day at the moment, but i'm getting there...

[Marys]

Thanks Geoff for you advise. Yes I can totally relate to what you are saying, talking to people  I find helps heaps. However, then when there is that gap and I am not communicating with anyone  I feel like the anxiety and depression cropping up again. I do try to do "normal" things around the house, and feel a bit normal again, however I find the constant anxiety and this awful feeling will just not go away.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mary

How are you going? I do hope that Geoff and I have been able to help you in some way. Geoff is quite right, he usually is, that talking is a great help. Family and friends do get nervous and wonder if it is OK to talk and what to talk about. Perhaps if there are just one or two people you can start the ball rolling and talk about what is on your mind, even if you get a bit teary. It may help to tell people that talking helps you so they feel more comfortable.

I do understand about not feeling like eating. I went through a bad time when I lost 22 kg in a couple of months. Most days I think I lived on a sandwich, and even that was an effort. But it is important. Small snacks of fruit or dried fruit, nuts etc. These are easier than a full meal.

At times I have been overwhelmed by emotion, so much so that I feel I cannot breathe. All you can do at these times is sit and let the emotion wash over you. The more you fight for control, the harder it gets. I know this sounds wrong as our instinct is to be in control. Letting the feelings come and go, however hard this is, will help them to subside more quickly than struggling to push them away.

Depression and anxiety are always worse when we are alone, which is a good reason to have people with you quite frequently. But sometimes this is too much as well. It's great you are trying to distract yourself with chores. Just make sure they are small activities so you do not exhaust yourself. Do you have any hobbies or other activities you enjoy? Engaging in these can be helpful and give you something to concentrate on.

I like listening to music, especially when I can sing with it. That really helps me to calm down and relax. TV is hopeless unless I can knit at the same time.

I'm not a fan of sleeping pills either. I can go to sleep but I wake in the early hours and need to get up and do something. Have you tried a few stretching exercises to get rid of any kinks. Sometimes that is quite relaxing. Warm baths or showers are nice before going to bed.

I hope these suggestions are useful.

Mary

[Marys]

Hi Mary

Thank you for your suggestions Mry. Yes I think that is probably part of my problem, trying to be in control all the time and trying to control your surroundings. Its really hard to let I that go I guess if that's how I've probably tried to deal with things all my life....

But I am certainly a lot better than I was about two weeks ago. I am at the moment sleeping a lot better and eating a lot better too, but not out of the woods yet, and quite aware depending on circumstances and what happens in the next few days, I can easily go backwards...However, I have improved which is good. I guess doing little things and even going out for short trips during the day, whether that is at the local shops or even for a drive to a near by park helps a lot. Its a pity my GP had originally advised me to just stay in and do "nothing" the first week - he didn't even recommend I see a psychologist.  (I have now changed GP's just recently)...But I find not isolating myself has helped heaps (even though I am definitely not an outgoing person and don't necessarily prefer a lot of people around me...). And trying to do "routine/normal" things has also helped.

I just hope what awaits me in the next few days (which I will not go into)..does not set me backwards...

But your and Geoff's suggestions have certainly helped. I guess it is just all about taking one step at a time.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mary

So pleased you are feeling better. It's quite relief to realise you are not going to be stuck in the horrible place and that you have found a way out. You sound on the right track with tackling small things and finding people to be with. There are times when I want to say "Stop the world, I want to get off. I'll rejoin the human race in a couple of days." And that's OK. Solitude can be as healing as being with others. Forcing yourself to do either is a problem.

When, and if, you are ready to talk about other happenings in your life, we will be here. Remember the tortoise and the hare.

Mary

[Marys]

Hi Mary

Thank you for your reply. I am still taking it day by day, as the situation doesn't seem to have improved, however I am a better than I was a few weeks ago when I wrote my initial post.

However, the issue is still not resolved. I go into work and I feel something has been said and all my work colleagues are against me. I had a fallout with a friend / work colleague and I believe she has spread a lie or rumour (innuendo), which seems to have turned everyone against me...And its hard to defend myself when I have no idea what this may be or/and no one will say anything about it to me either - even when I've asked...It is very difficult to cope with psychologically in the workplace...do you have any suggestions ??

Mary

[White_Rose]

Dear Mary

Great to hear from you again.

I believe that accepting some situations is the only way to go at times. I understand your anxiety and grief as I have been in that situation myself. It is a horrible place to go. And the most frustrating part is not being able to redress anything. My situation caused me incredible pain and distress, so much so that I could not think properly or take reasonable actions. There are still times when it comes to mind and I become upset. The hardest part is to stand back and do and say nothing. In fact I feel I caused myself more pain by asking.

Yes it's hard to be judged by others for something you may well not have done. I say "may not have done" because things of this nature can stem from small and innocuous comments or actions that have been blown out of proportion.

In the end, all you can do is ride out the storm. The more you protest the more you will be seen to be guilty. I know it's not fair and no one has a right to judge you, especially behind your back. Unfortunately it's the way things happen. All this is cold comfort I know and very hard to do. Like you, I cried buckets, ranted in the privacy of my own home, generally made my own life worse. All it does is make you feel worse.

So how to manage this horribleness? The first thought is that you can find another job if you believe your colleagues will always be distant towards you. It is unfair that the victim gets penalized again, but if being in the company of these others causes such distress it is a sensible decision. In fact this is what I have done. Left the organisation that hurt me. But be very sure this is the best option before you act.

The next option is to ignore any comments or actions by others, continue with your own work and only speak to people if it is required to do your job, or you are are in a social setting with someone such as in the lunch room. This may be difficult but I wonder if it is the best option. Finding another job and leaving one I presume you enjoy will not be easy.

What has your new GP said to this situation? I presume you have discussed this with him/her? It is a hugely important part of managing your depression. I find my GP enormously helpful and is fantastic at suggesting ways to cope. Doing little things, as you have already started, is one of her suggestions. One of my favourites is sitting outside with a cuppa and looking at my garden, watching the birds, or reading. I also meditate daily which helps me find myself.

Mary