So tired of pretending

[Astara]

I haven't been here for a while and have been a reader rather than much of a poster but am so exhausted pretending to be okay that I need somewhere to say that I'm really not okay.  

My partner of 8 1/2 years left me in March. I wasn't really expecting it although in hindsight I guess he couldn't deal with my depression and anxiety. I spoke to my doc when it initially happened and allowed myself a period of grief but now everyone seems to expect me to be over it and moving on and I can't. I cry constantly still. Work and everyday interactions tire me out so much I have no energy to cook or clean etc. I am losing friends as I cancel on them all the time as the thought of going out and pretending to have fun is so exhausting. 

Exercise is the only thing I enjoy but am probably moving into an obsessive addiction to that as I feel so terrible if I miss a day. 

I went on a holiday with a group of people and again the pretending to have fun tested my limits. I cried when alone every chance I got out of exhaustion.  I'm not suicidal but I cried the other day when almost got hit on a pedestrian crossing accidentally and in that split second before the driver was able to stop I had a tremendous sense of relief at the thought that "this is it". I was devastated when they were able to stop. 

Ive had counselling, previously taken medication.  I know all the tools. I'm not asking for tips or help as I don't think there is anything that can help. I guess I just keep pretending and hope one day it falls into my new reality. 

[Cherpieus]

I'm sorry to hear that you too are over the pretending. I relate to this very much. 

I pretend to everyone that I'm ok but am definately not.

As you said there is nothing anyone else can do and I know and do all the things you're supposed to.

I guess all I can really say is I hope it is comforting to know someone else is pretending too.

[Astara]

Thanks for replying Cherpieus. It does help thanks to know that someone else out there feels the same. I didn't really expect anyone to reply, just needed to shout out my hopelessness to someone other than my pillow. I am sorry that you are not feeling ok either. It sucks and I for one am tired of it. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Astara

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope we can give you some support and help, especially during this time of grief.

It's never easy parting with a loved partner whatever the reason and I expect you are blaming yourself for the breakup and putting it down to your depression. That's what depression does to us, make us feel that everything is our fault. It's not really but how do you pull yourself out of this mind frame? Well I don't have the answers either. But just think, I could make a fortune if I did.

I understand the tiredness that comes from pretending. I imagine most of the folk who write in here have experienced this at some time. Not that it helps you to know about others other than to realise you are not alone in this place. Of course the tiredness is a direct result of using all your energy to keep your mask in place, leaving little energy to manage your day to day life.

Are you able to take time off work and rest? I know when my psych suggested I have time off from work I was aghast at the thought of being on my own all day. So we compromised and I worked four hours a day. It did help with the tiredness. Of course your employer needs to agree to this and I do not know your situation. It will mean you will have to confide in your boss to some extent, but if he/she is OK with this then you may find pretending at work is not as necessary.

Expectations from others are invariably hard to put up with. Others have a different viewpoint to how you feel. Some will expect you to shrug off your hurt while others will wonder how you are coping. We are all different. I'm not sure a psychologist or counselor can help you get over your separation unless the psych is a grief counsellor. Usually we have go through the pain until we come out the other side. But you will get through it.

People are so amazing and demonstrate such strength. You may feel you are being a wimp and getting nowhere but the recovery signs are there. You have written on the web site and told us about yourself. This is a great start. Continue to talk to the folk here. It will help you let go of some of your grief and build some resilience. Talking to others by joining in other conversations will help you as you offer suggestions to people.

I know your path is hard but it is already getting easier. Please tell us how you are going.

Mary

[Astara]

Thanks for your words Mary. 

I actually think that it's pretty obvious I am to blame for him leaving. I know I pushed him months before he actually left but I thought we had worked through that. Ultimately I just wasn't worth him hanging around ao who else is to blame for that? 

I am not able to take time off work as I already took leave and have again exhausted the limits of patience with my boss and all favours. I work in a high pressure, professional job so I count myself lucky to have been given some breaks when it first happened but there is no room for further time off and my job doesn't allow me to work normal full time hours let alone a part day unfortunately!! 

Like I said in my first post I don't think there is any answer I think I am destined to continue to exist in this crappy state until forever I guess. I can't see me getting "better" as it were because there is nothing about my life to enjoy and there is not likely to be a change to that. I no longer have any reason to try. I guess I just continue to pretend to be okay. 

i know there are people who are worse off than I am. I know there are small things in my life to be grateful for and it does ultimately help to put words out there that are not just to me so thanks for reading and responding.