Emotional Blunting and Tackling Depression Sober

[Urgesurfer]

I've suffered with Depression my whole life, this includes suicidal ideation and feelings of hopelessness. I have managed it with self medication and have managed to mask it for a long time as a functional person (exhausting).

The symptoms have effected my ability to interact with the world around me in ways that are meaningful and my relationships with family and friends are sometime effected with a distancing or feeling of not belonging - I isolate and am critical of myself.

It's become hard of late as I recently went to hospital after a drunken suicide plan "Practiced" one evening. I am sober now and facing these familiar feelings of hopelessness ... now without my historic coping mechanism (Which is actually going really well) but like these feelings are horrid and draining and isolating despite being surrounded by good people and a great family and partner. It's like the colour has been drained from my life and I HATE it.... 

[Psychdiaries2]

Hi there,

Welcome to the forums. I'm glad you found us!

I understand how masking yourself is extremely exhausting as someone who has also done the same in the past, I relate to you. It's easy to be so hard on yourself when you're struggling and struggle to be around others even though we have wonderful people around us. It's a tough burden to carry, but you don't have to do it alone. 

I know you said you went to the hospital, but may I ask if you have spoken to your GP about your symptoms of suicidal ideation and hopelessness? Reaching out on here is a great place to start, but it would also be helpful to speak to a professional and take it from there. You are more than welcome to continue chatting on here if you wish and also use Beyond Blue's services here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor where you can call (1300 22 4636) or chat online to a counsellor. 

Thank you for taking the time to reach out, it really is a commendable thing to do. Wishing you the best, we're here when you need 🤗

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time that challenges you in so many different ways.

With depression being so complex, there can be so many different reasons for experiencing it. There can be dozens of different reasons or causes. I think one of the top 5 questions asked with depression would have to be 'Why am I experiencing it, personally?'. Until we get to the bottom of the reason/s, it can just feel hopeless. Btw, as a 55yo gal, I largely drank my way through my 20s and long term depression and can relate to how drinking can sometimes soften or take the emotional edges off depression. Of course, as I'm sure you know, alcohol definitely has some depressing side effects which doesn't help matters. As a non drinker, the question becomes 'How do I manage my feelings, now that I can sense them more intensely?'. Personally, I found the answer to that to be 'There's no choice but to get to the bottom of them'. Who we find to help us do that depends on a number of things, including our beliefs.

If I believe depression is a physical or chemically based thing only, I'll seek out forms of chemistry to manage it (whether that involves the chemistry in alcohol, medications, certain dietary chemistry, certain physical activities that promote particular chemical reactions etc). If I believe depression is a mental or psychological thing only, I'll seek out something or someone to aid me mentally or psychologically. If I believe depression is a soulful or soul destroying thing only, I may search for soulful things to help manage it yet perhaps fail to address depressing chemical imbalances and significant psychological issues in the process. But if I believe it could involve any one of those 3 factors or even all of them, my mind opens to possibilities and a sense of hopefulness (that the reason/s or cause/s will be found). 

While it can be easier said than done while within depression, the 'Who am I and how do I tick' factor can make some difference. It can make us fascinating to ourself 

• Who am I and how do I tick from a physical or chemical perspective?
• Who am I and how do I tick from a mental or psychological perspective?
• Who am I and how do I tick from a natural perspective? Another way of putting that is 'Who am I naturally?'

I can recall when I first started wondering about all this kind of stuff. The answer to all of these questions was quite shocking and mind altering. The answer, 'I have absolutely no idea'. Amongst all the revelations that followed over the years, I reached a conclusion about depression: I have the ability to feel something depressing going on. The ultimate question becomes 'What the hell am I feeling the depressing side effects of?'. Depression holds the potential to turn us into one heck of a determined detective, in a desperate search for clues.