Does there have to be a reason?

[Jintas]

I have a question or two, I hope that's ok.

from as far back as I can remember, there has always been times when I have felt down and wanted to be alone. It was picked up by others including my primary school principal who tried to give me 'special' jobs (water his plants, stuff like that) and then calling mum. No idea what was discussed, never cared to ask.

last year I attempted suicide, it was the first time doing that, I was so angry at the time. Ended up at the hospital, they sent someone in who 'assessed' my situation. I told her what she wanted to hear and was subsequently sent home. I told the hospital I did not want a report sent to my GP.

I spoke with my GP and told him that I did have thoughts but would not act on them (again telling them what they want  to hear). All the while I'm being asked 'why do you feel this way?'. I done a session via video link with a psych and again was asked why I felt that way, what did I think the reason was. So again, I told them what I thought they wanted to hear. I think I have lived with this for so long now, I know how to hide it well or how to make others feel better by telling them what they expect.

The truth is, I don't think there is a reason why I get so depressed or why I have all these horrible thoughts. Does there have to be?

sometimes I can be happy and like a switch,

I can get so angry and so sarcastic towards my husband. At the time I don't care, there is almost disdain there. Afterwards I feel terrible, absolutely rotten.

this is hard to explain but sometimes, things get so 'loud' and 'rushed' in my head, imagine a hurricane. Not voices, nothing like that. I don't know how to explain it. It only happens when I try to sleep.

also, is it normal to feel physically sick? My stomach is in total knots,cam I just imagining this?

sorry for all the questions, this is the first time I have been honest or open about any of this. 


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[Kathleen21]

Hi Jintas's
I am new to beyond blue site. I registered today and seen your post. I also feel like you and have done the same thing when talking to doctors about reason I'm depressed. There are times when I think I know the reason but when them issues are resolved I still feel the same. There is no reason it's always been like that for the last 15 years or so it's just getting worse now . I also attempted suicide several times, one not so long ago. The second time when I was taken to hospital I asked for help when I finally seen some one to assess me She told me that if I was admitted to hospital It would only tell me that I couldn't cope which would make matters worse. So I was sent home with another prescription of antidepressants. That was a few years ago I just took one day at a time. last suicide attempt was not long ago. I am so glad of that now I have a wonderfull husband and it was so selfish of me but at the time I was not thinking of him only that I had had enough. I take one day at a time again some days not even getting out of bed some days better than others . At least today I registered hoping that you take one day at a time too.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.
 

[AGrace]

Hi Jintas & Kathleen, 

I want to welcome you both to Beyondblue. I'm glad you've both chosen to join the forums. Kathleen it's great that you've found a thread that you can relate to. The forums work much more effectively when we have conversations with one another rather than just starting new threads all the time. 

Jintas, I have to stress that if you are feeling suicidal, help is available. Please call Beyondblue, Lifeline, or 000. 

From what I've read in your post it sounds like you haven't had a proper opportunity to obtain an accurate diagnosis. Quite often we just diagnose ourselves as having depression/anxiety because these are the more common mental illnesses. From the description of your symptoms I wonder whether it might be something else?  I'm not an expert, and can't diagnose you, however I wonder if you have heard of Borderline Personality Disorder? It might be worthwhile googling to check out the criteria. I know how frustrating it can be to not know why you feel the way you do or act the way you do. 

Would you be willing to go back to your GP,  or even one of the GPs listed on this website, who specialise in mental health? From here you can get a referral to a Psychologist/Psychiatrist. It can be difficult telling someone what we feel when we don't know why, but from my experience I learnt it pays to tell your treatment team everything so you can get the most appropriate care.

Feeling physical symptoms is common. Especially with anxiety. The fight, flight, freeze response is overreacting because it thinks there's a threat. During this time normal digestion shuts down, so it can cause tummy troubles. Have you tried regular practice of some mindfulness or relaxation for this? One relaxation clip I use frequently is a video on YouTube called 8 minutes to calm. It literally takes 8mins.

Kathleen, I'm pleased you have noticed quite a shift in your mood. I don't know what the hospital was on about. Are you still taking medication? Are you seeing a therapist? It's lovely that you are able to share your recovery with others. 

Hope to hear back from both of you. 

AGrace

[Snoman]

Hi Jintas,

I would like to welcome you to these forums.  I have found the people here to be wonderfully supportive and helpful.  It can be quite helpful to find that others have experienced the same issues you face.

To go direct to your first question, I don't believe there has to be a simple reason.  In my case, I had lots of stressful events in the last 10 years.  Nothing that would make you think it would tip someone into the black hole.  Yet here I am.

As for feeling physically sick.  Absolutely.  I had it too.  Anxiety tends to come with depression, and that can be felt with your stomach tying up in knots.

Was it the accumulation of all these events?  Maybe.  Am I predisposed to depression?  Probably since I had an episode many years ago.  Am I likely to have another episode?  Possible, but I will do my best to prevent it.

I would also like to encourage you to be more open with your GP.  There are links above to help you find a GP in your area who has an interest in mental health.  They may be easier to open up to.

Please keep us posted on your progress.

Sno.

[geoff]

dear Jinta and Kathleen, welcome to the site as the list of newcomers grows by the day which is good for the site but really a concern, in that depression is spreading so quickly.

I would like to digress for a moment and say that the more I write and read posts on the site, the deeper my memory grows back to when my ex was suffering from PND, in that her aggression towards me and the criticism she threw at me during that time ( which I can't blame her for ) but well after seemed to wear me down, and all the renovations that I did to our house were never the way she wanted them done, so I had to do them again, and it's true that we still talk and see each other.

That's a reason why I was in denial for a long time, and then wouldn't tell any one how I actually felt, and maybe it was because I didn't want any more insults and criticism thrown at me, which brings me to the point that I also said what the doctors had to say or the questions they asked me.

It wasn't until I had a compassionate psychologist who had been through depression herself, that could read me like a book, and that's why I had seen her for 20 years, so what I am saying is that you should try and find someone that you feel comfortable with are able to see on a regular basis.

You can't hold it all back for ever because it will only build up, and even though you are struggling at the moment, you need to be able to talk with someone you can trust.

Doctor's are very astute, because they have heard all the stories before, so they know how you are feeling, such as when I had my last relapse I walked into my doctor's office, as I have been seeing him for a long time, the first thing he said to me was 'you're not feeling well are you', he knew that I had hit a bad patch, so he then asked me 'how I was going with my psychologist, Garry', so this is the care that you really need.

You can't overcome depression by yourself, and I argue till I'm blue in the face with any one who says that they can.

I truly urge you to seek help, but I also suggest that you post on here where there are many of people who have and still are suffering from this illness.

To try and take your own life absolutely means that you're not well and require not only professional help, but also from people who have been through this ghastly ordeal. L Geoff. x

[Kathleen21]

Hi AGrace,s thanks for replying yes I am still taking antidepressants,and no I'm not seeing a therapist . I have in the past I have tried all the things they have told me to do but they have not worked. Sometimes I think I need full on care like being admitted to a clinic but am so scared about it. All I want to be is normal. I have a back injury.also a fractured coxyes so I am in pain all the time I haven't worked for nearly 5yrs because of this I'm finally of work over . So I am not bringing any income into the house which makes me feel bad my husband works so hard. He is being attentive to me but at times I hate it he just cuddles me but I feel I just want to be left alone by everyone I don't want to see anyone. I'm sorry for being such a downer 

[AGrace]

Hi Kathleen,

Do you have private hospital cover? If you think getting some full time care for a while would be beneficial then I'd strongly recommend it. If you do have private cover have a look online at some of the various mental health hospitals and choose one that you think feels right for you. The thought of going into a clinic can be frightening, but when you get there it's kind of like being in a hotel. 

If you don't have private cover then it's as simple as going to your local Emergency Department, you will see a case worker there who will assess you and you will be places in your closest public hospital Psychiatric ward.

Going into hospital is never nice, but it I have always found it so worthwhile. When you're in hospital you will have that time to spend on your own. There will also be programs that you can do during the day. 

I hear quite a lot that people have tried Psychologists and they found that none of the strategies worked for them. I think the common misconception is that you put the strategies into place when you are at your worst and then you'll be fixed. The techniques we are taught are life skills, they need to be practiced every single day - whether you feel well or really down.

I'm not working anymore either, so I understand how you feel. There are some newer treatments available now for chronic pain management, have you heard of Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS)? It sounds daunting but it's a very simple procedure that's not at all invasive, maybe something to consider.

Have you read the thread on Getting Motivated?

Take some time to decide what you think would be best for you right now, discuss this with your husband, and go from there.

AGrace

[geoff]

dear Kathleen, I can only imagine what pain you're in from your back injury.also a fractured coccyx.

You say make an interesting point 'he just cuddles me but I feel I just want to be left alone by everyone', and this is what can happen, as we always comment to people asking for help, that they need as much support as possible, but sometimes physical contact won't work.

I remember when I was depressed my wife ( ex ) said that we would make love and after it happened she said 'now you will feel better', but I didn't, I still had depression. L Geoff. x

[Kathleen21]

Hi AGrace thanks for your reply yes I have private health I will look into it. I have stopped taking medication for stopping smoking and I feel a lot better that stuff really messes with my brain. I am going on a girls weekend today really don't want to go but my husband insisted made me put makeup on and get dressed I'm dreading it but at least I look better. I know there will be lots of champagne and wine so that's one good thing . I drink a lot although I know it messes with my antidepressants but the booze helps. We are going to walk to a resturant for breakfast witch terrifying me be causes of my back pain I have trouble walking down the street let alone 2ks hopefully it rains . Thanks for replying to my posts.