Diagnosed with Dysthymia

[Warren2103]

Hi all,

This is my second time in 5 years posting here and I guess I'm posting again for a number reasons, self therapy, feedback and well, just to get it out of me. Not sure if this is relevant but I always seem to answer these questions when filling out forms - I'm a 43 yr old single gay male that lives on my own with my awesome dog, work a corporate job, have family and friends and try to maintain a social life while trying not to let the depression and anxiety get in the way.

In 2015, I experienced my first panic attack which led to an acute bout of anxiety and depression. A restructure at work during this time while building a house on my own brought all the ugliness of depression and its twisted sidekick anxiety to the surface and as a result, I took a month off while I sought help. I went on antidepressants for about 12 months but didn't like them as they made me feel sort of numb. I was 'ok' for a while but recently hit a roadblock in September this year and had to take a month off work again. Work has been extremely stressful which no doubt has contributed (among other things) to triggering this latest episode. I asked my GP for a psychiatric assessment so that I could better understand my condition and ultimately myself and was diagnosed with Dysthymia. I'm currently seeing a Psychologist but not sure it's helping yet, however this Friday will be my third session so I suppose it's still early days. Lately when at home on my own I've been bursting into tears with underlying feelings of loneliness, helplessness and a complete lack of motivation and enthusiasm for life. If I had to choose the strongest feeling, I would say it is loneliness even though I have great family and friends around me. I feel very disconnected from life even though I have been making efforts to see family and friends just so that I have something to focus on as opposed to this heavy and lonely sinking feeling. I'm becoming extremely self analytical and question whether people actually enjoy my company anymore. I do not show anyone this side of me although they do know that I have anxiety and depression. I'd prefer not to rely on medication as I don't want a bandaid solution. I just want to overcome this once and for all and move on with my life so that I can just live and feel free to focus on the important things.

Warren.

[white knight]

Hi Warren

Dysthymia isn’t all bad but it does interrupt your emotions and therefore your daily life.

There are some changes I made to my life that enabled me to introduce variety because that allows more stimulus that avoids meltdowns. Working 2 part time jobs much better than one full time, working alone better that with other often toxic people.

Antidepressant in my case was very low dose, I couldn’t possibly do without them. Perhaps ask your medical people if low doses would be ok?

please google the following and read at least the first post of each

beyondblue topic dysthymia

beyondblue topic anxiety,how I eliminated it

beyondblue topic worry worry worry

beyondblue topic depression, are there any positives?

beyondblue topic distraction and variety

Interms if loneliness I’d suggest expanding your social base. Your dog is a useful social tool for others that approach you outside cafes like happens to use with our mini foxy. Join a dog club etc, be brave and new friends will come.

i hope I’ve helped. Repost here or in those threads as then they return to the main board and get answered

TonyWK

[Warren2103]

Thank you! I’ll give those topics a read.

[MissBenthos]

Hi Warren,

Is it possible to look for a new job? It sounds like the one you're in is no longer good for you.

What are the important things you want to focus on? Do you think you've lost sight of what's important to you? Is there something holding you back? Can you eliminate it?

^ you don't have to answer all those, they are food for thought.

The psychology work can take time, the main thing is that you are seeing someone who you feel understands you. I've been to some psychologists who attempt to fill in the blanks for me but are totally off base for where I'm at. In those cases I've moved on until I found someone who clicked, because the most change comes with those who "get" me.

Happy to chat 🙂

[Warren2103]

Hi MissBenthos,

Thank you for your reply and for giving me those questions to think about. The one that really hit home the most was "Do you think you have lost sight of what's important". I recently secured another role at work and start that very soon so I'm hoping that will help work wise because I needed to get out of the team I was in. I do find it hard to be 100% honest with my psychologist as the idea of being raw with a complete stranger is very confronting to me and know that I'll just burst into tears which would be embarrassing. There are things I've been bottling up for decades and have never really felt I could tell anyone because they're not traumatic at all, I've had a loving upbringing, great parents, sister and friends, good job, beautiful home and everything but still feel empty inside however my self confidence is waning and insecurity seems to be taking more of a hold these days, particularly when it comes to being social which I never used to even worry about. A private/email chat or however it happens on BB would be nice. Thank you. W.

[MissBenthos]

I don't believe there is a private chat option through BB apart from contacting someone within the organisation. If you do wish to share something on the forum it is anonymous and you can change details/use pseudo names if you're still worried. Still there's nothing you have to share here, I hope you can bring up the courage to eventually be honest with your psych.

I can really relate to everything you bring up.

Bursting into tears in front of professionals - check (in fact that was me every session for a couple of years, then I'd be so embarrassed it would make me cry even more for being so pathetic. Turns out there's a reason they all have tissues in their offices).

Growing up with the white picket fence family - check.

Pushing down things that were significant to me because I told myself they weren't - check.

Struggling with dysthymia - check.

[Warren2103]

I have a session with my psych this Friday afternoon so I might just tell him I have some internalised issues I haven’t raised but will do so when I’m comfortable and see how that goes. Do you have any suggestions for managing it? I’m thinking of seeing if mindfulness meditation will help calm my mind and ease the negative thoughts and depression. I’ve tried it in the past but it didn’t seem to have an effect so I stopped.

How are you going with your Dysthymia?

[MissBenthos]

I have been free of dysthymia for about 3 years now. At first I would have relapses of depression but they have become less and less over time.

We might not have the same recovery pattern as everyone is different. Like you, I initially didn’t want to rely on antidepressants but I was in such a state that psychology wasn’t going anywhere. I went through a few years trying out different anti depressants, I didn’t want to come off the ones that helped me sleep because they were a huge relief. Eventually I found one that helped with mood. I will never forget the moment I was walking down the street and the cool breeze felt nice on my face - that sense of just appreciating the moment. My mind was thinking “What? Positive emotion? Oh. Oh my god! It’s working! It’s working!” I was crying of joy. I don’t know if I can even explain what an incredible moment that was for me. In turn the mood change helped with the sleep.

I wasn’t recovered but I had the ability to sometimes feel positive emotions again, even if fleeting. I was able to work better with my psychologist to give her more helpful information and I started having interaction with people around me that gave me insight to myself which I shared with my psychologist. I got actionable points to work on myself from there: to be honest with myself, to become better at communication, to set boundaries with toxic people.

I recognised my white picket fence family actually contributed to some of my toxic thinking. They were too conservative for what I needed, too strict and proper. I was suffocating under their unwavering belief systems. The pressure of perfectionism. As much as my family looks good from the outside my parents are terribly controlling. But I can’t blame them because they were only doing the best job they could, they only had good intentions for me to be happy and successful. The difference is I can now distance myself from them when they become overbearing.

I still see my psych regularly for check ins, do regular physical exercise, eat well, make sure my life has a balance of productivity and enjoyment. It’s almost like walking a tight rope, ensuring everything is balanced to avoid falling back down again. I am still on the anti depressants and I honestly don’t mind if I have to rely on them for the rest of my life because I would prefer that than to be unwell again.

[Warren2103]

Thanks for sharing. I think I have more work to do than I realised. Glad you have been able to move past it and manage it. 🙂