Desperate for change

Lookingforlightgirl · ‎12-01-2022

Hi I am writing from in my bed 3.30 in afternoon awoke earlier had a cup of coffee only to return to bed. This has been me for at least last 2-3weeks -prior to this I did try and do more chores etc but now feel like I can’t be bothered what is the point low energy so very depressed 😭 diagnosed probs 15 years ago with anxiety and depression was on medication for 10 +years still experienced ++++ anxiety so not on them anymore did have some CBT which did appear to help at the time however life’s circumstances were a lot better then also I have had a lot of trauma in my life and became an alcoholic as was the only thing that truly helped me be happy and feel able to communicate/express myself at the time I obvs still am an alcoholic however I don’t drink nightly to second nightly like I used to now it’s every now n then like months in between.I have 3 beautiful girls 22 10 and 8 (eldest has left with bf ) I never leave the house anymore I have lost all interest in anything I ever enjoyed poor kids stuck at home on school holidays because I cannot get my life together feels so hopeless I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel I really don’t 😭😭😭😭

Clobug11 · ‎16-01-2022

Hello, I can’t offer any help as I am in the same position as you but just wanted to wish you well on your journey to finding happiness. I am also a mother who has lost all motivation to leave the house, do chores, or socialise so I feel your pain. Sending hugs.

Lookingforlightgirl · ‎16-01-2022

Thanks chlobug11

its so hard hey 😢 the guilt is real the negative thoughts plague me I don’t no what to do or how much longer I can hold on for I did book a drs appt so that is something I guess I just do not have a lot of faith in doctors or medicine but feel like It’s an absolute last resort and I guess I owe it to myself and the kidlets to give it a go -hoping this will be the start of new beginnings time will tell

Leisa68 · ‎17-01-2022

Hi, lookingforlightgirl,

Good luck with the DR's appointment. I'm proud of you for reaching out for your and your kids.

All the best

Leisa 68

Lookingforlightgirl · ‎23-01-2022

Still in the same situation not leaving the house can’t see anything changing because I am not doing anything different yet I cannot bring myself to do anything 😭 This is torture

sleeping most days away up late at night scrolling the internet such a waste of life my life is hopeless 😞 wish I wasn’t born it’s so cruel

Lookingforlightgirl · ‎23-01-2022

Think I have given up

Sophie_M · ‎23-01-2022

Hi Lookingforlightgirl,

We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult lately and that you have given up. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

therising · ‎26-01-2022

Hi Lookingforlightgirl

Seriously outside the square but have you ever considered something like psychospiritual therapy? It's amazing the kind of things we'll try out of pure desperation. This kind of therapy works well for some but not for others. You might find it's one that suits you. Not sure. If you entertain the idea, it pays to look around. While some therapists in this field are extreme, some basically work from a Jungian perspective of psychology. The idea that there's more to us than simply thoughts and chemistry is what took psychology in a slightly different direction, compared to what it was originally like, based on Freud's theories. Wondering if you've ever heard of Carl Jung.

I think finding someone who's going to explore and help you manage the absolute pure exhaustion you're feeling is key. It can be almost impossible to make changes through pure exhaustion. The feeling of pure exhaustion can add to depression, partly because it's depressing. To be able to barely move is depressing but I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. Sounds like someone really needs to be addressing the impact your lack of energy is having on you, while helping you address your overwhelming thoughts at the same time (that internal dialogue).

Hoping the GP appointment helps steer you in the direction that begins to make a positive difference to you. By the way, you'll know if you have a good GP as they won't say something like 'Being a mum is exhausting at times. Sometimes it can even get stressful and depressing. It's natural'. Do not settle for such a 'diagnosis'. You deserve much better than that. I've heard this kind of stuff before, myself, and it's highly triggering. You want to be looking for answers, not an unhelpful opinion.

Lookingforlightgirl · ‎26-01-2022

Hi therising’s 😊

thankyou for your msg I will definitely look into Carl jung sounds interesting

still haven’t gotten myself to the GP i really haven’t gone anywhere for some time now

it’s so shit I feel like I am just wasting my life away but I don’t care enough to change my circumstances it’s so frustrating if death was painless and I didn’t believe in God I would not be here right now -seriously living day to day sleeping as much as I can feel like I need someone to take my hand and take me somewhere to get better wherever that is feel like I need someone to hold my hand like I have no self esteem pretty sad wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy 😭
literally just hoping every night that tomorrow will be better and I will somehow magically be cured but nope same shit different day I don’t talk on the phone much preferring to msg just losing contact with everyone because I have nothing to contribute to conversations anyway as I do nothing see nobody arrrrh

therising · ‎27-01-2022

Hi Lookingforlightgirl

Do you have anyone in your life who is a hand holder? I think you've hit the nail on the head. Having a hand holder in depression is so important, in my opinion. Whether they're holding our hand gently along part of our path in life or holding it while dragging us kicking and screaming toward what's actually going to make a difference to us, either way we're not alone in managing what can be the toughest time we've ever faced.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. So frustrating when clarity eludes us when we're in a deeply challenging situation. I recall throughout my years in depression the lack of hand holders in my life. This is not to say I didn't have a lot of loving people around me but I needed more (at the time) than basically being loved. I needed to be actively loved. I needed people to take more action. While it's easy for me to now see a lot of the depressing behaviour of the people around me, looking back, as well as my own depressing behaviour (such as relying on alcohol), what I never realised at the time was how depressing a lack of active love could also be. I think people simply had the attitude 'I truly hope things get better for her. I hope things don't get any worse'. Basically hoping never really got me anywhere. My husband's attitude was 'If I don't upset her/trigger her she'll be okay'. What I really needed was to have a partner who constantly triggered me to possibility, do find the differences I desperately needed throughout those years. At the end of the day, I think most of the people just didn't know what to do exactly. None of them were expert in managing depression. With that last sentence (regarding expertise), when this occurred to me after I came out of depression, I was forgiving before I began to question. The big question, 'Why did no one around me research depression, so as to become expert?'.

Do you feel like a lot of the people around you are basically letting you vibe in the state you're in, simply hoping things don't get any worse? It can take a sh*t load of hard work to manage our way through depression and it can take just as much hard work for the people around us who choose to actively raise us out of the depths. It is seriously hard work, where simply hoping isn't enough or simple suggestions for change aren't enough.

Strange question but have you ever had a sleep study done? Could there be an additional factor contributing to the lack of energy? Have you had any blood work done by your GP?

Lookingforlightgirl · ‎27-01-2022

Hi the rising

no I don’t really have any hand holders my husband sounds the same as yours he let me self destruct with alcohol for many years - and then played the victim when I got out of control and did horrible things -like I don’t know if he just loved me and let me do what I wanted or if it was just easier for him to let me do what I wanted either way I do hold great resentment towards him - we do not communicate really at all he is a gamer so works long hrs comes home at dinner time and onto his game or watches tv I have no interest in talking anyway we have broken up and got back together 3 times in last 10 years I’m so not happy it’s like he is just happy to just get by - no goals or personal interests I was always ambitious and out going and I feel maybe he has majorly contributed to where I am at now like I lowered my expectations etc - (I must admit these days I am a terrible communicator as well )I don’t no wat I’m trying to get at just venting I guess not sure if it’s my depression making me feel this way about him or …… like everything about him annoys me these days man I sound like such a whinger

thanks for listening it’s good to get this stuff out definitely therapeutic