Depression returning

[Heda23]

Hi,

Mother of 3. Months ago I had an experiencing which helped me get off my antidepressants and I felt amazing I was on the right path, I wasn't angry all of the time, I didn't snap over little things with the kids, I learnt how to shift negative and impulsive thoughts and in general I really just felt like a new person!

Until a couple of months ago when I started to lose myself again. Ever since then I've felt myself slowly slip back into a dark hole and I can't seem to find the light to make my way back out! I'm back to being that not so fun grumpy mum and wife! I hate it... I tell myself I will wake up in a better mood tomorrow, things will change, I'll do it different. It never happens. It always goes the same way like a vicious cycle. My husband doesn't understand and I don't expect him to. He lost his happy, fun, outgoing wife and now has me. The complete opposite. I was never this person, I'm not this person. Currently trying to find ways to think better, pause and stop before I speak... Even typing this right now is so easy and some people would say, well just do it! It's really not that simple, if it was would we all be here reading these forums and adding to them? No. We wouldn't. Our mental illnesses do not define who we are. Remember that...

[amyb03]

Hi Heda23,

I am so sorry you're feeling this way. It is definitely not easy feeling like you are losing yourself.

I've also been slipping down into a darker place. Much like you, I tell myself that feel better tomorrow but it never happens. I'm sick of bringing those around me down.

I read something the other day and I thought it has a good message that we all need to try and remember:

You are not your feelings. You just experience them. Anger, sadness, hate, depression, fear. This is the rain you walk in. But you don't become the rain. You know the rain will pass. You walk on. And you remember the soft glow of the sun that will come again.

[therising]

Hi Heda23

Nothing quite as depressing than feeling yourself slip back into a depression again. It's like you've been given a free pass out of hell only to find it was a temporary pass.

So true, 'You are not your feelings...' Personally, it was this epiphany that finally helped free me from my 15 year battle with depression. Few ups and downs since finding my freedom more than 14 years ago but it's only just recently that I discovered why the ups and downs keep occurring.

I believe, as we go through life, there will be challenges that have the potential to depress us if we don't rise to meet them. The questioning part of any challenge is natural because it's through questioning that we receive answers: Why am I so sad in my marriage? Why do I feel so unfulfilled in life? Why can't I stay out of my depression? I believe unless we seek the answers, such questions become nothing more than statements: Why am I so sad in my marriage! Why do I feel so unfulfilled in life! Why can't I stay out of my depression! It's like we're screaming how unfair it all is.

Now, I'm one of those 'crazy' spiritual kinda gals (of the non religious variety) and, in being so, sit there at times in a 2 way conversation between myself and the powers that be. Some may say I'm experiencing a discussion between my conscious mind and my subconscious mind. Whatever works! When I'm feeling deeply challenged, I do a bit of channeling. The last major challenge I faced really started to bring me down and lead me to become seriously fearful that I was slipping into a depression. The ultimate question, 'Do I end my marriage or do I work on it?' Been married for 18 years so it was a biggy. Cue the channeling. The answer, 'If he (my husband) has no intention of changing, nothing will change'. In other words, I'll continue to live in a marriage of great frustration with largely one way effort from me. As you would know Heda, when you evolve/raise your self out of depression you change a lot, whereas others tend to stay the same. This can be incredibly frustrating and pretty lonely at times. With others questioning 'What's wrong with you?', in reality they are perhaps better off asking themselves what's wrong with them. Could they be more exciting or conscious, like how we've been raising ourselves to be?

What do you think would happen if you suddenly announced to everyone 'Okay people, excite me! C'mon, put some effort in here!'? You'd be challenging them, instead of the other way around.

🙂

[butch44]

This is my first time in this forum..It is amazing how the words of an old writer seem to help in keeping my "head above water" as the saying goes. an article call "You Will Not Abandon My Soul" I often read these words that help me a lot in keeping my head above water, and trust they might also in some way help you keeping yours above water. Here they are:-
Preserve me, O God; for in you do I take refuge.
O my soul, you hast said unto the Lord, You are my Lord: I have no good beyond thee.
As for the (people that don't think the way I do) that are in the earth,
They are the excellent in whom is all my delight.
Their sorrows shall be multiplied that give gifts for another god:
Their drink-offerings of blood will I not offer, Nor take their names upon my lips.
The Lord is the portion of mine inheritance and of my cup: You maintain my lot.
The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant places; Yea, I have a goodly heritage.
I will bless the Lord, who has given me counsel; Yea, my heart instructs me in the night seasons.
I have set the Lord always before me: Because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; My flesh also shall dwell in safety.
For you will not leave my soul to hell; Neither wilt you suffer your holy one to see corruption.
You will show me the path of life: In your presence is fulness of joy; In your right hand there are pleasures for evermore.

[Heda23]

This was a good read thank you for your reply. I, myself am also into the spiritual side of things. I find every time I dive into crystals or spiritual healing I find myself feeling peaceful, so right now I am trying to get back into that in hopes it will bring me relief.

Thanks for your feedback.