Hmm... where should i even begin. This is a first for me, I've spoken
with a few people in my life before but my circle isn't the best. My
whole life i tried to help everyone i can, all i ever got in return was
betrayal. I was a completely different ...
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Hmm... where should i even begin. This is a first for me, I've spoken
with a few people in my life before but my circle isn't the best. My
whole life i tried to help everyone i can, all i ever got in return was
betrayal. I was a completely different person in 2014 and now i feel
like a miserable lonely vessel. I am thankful to have a roof over my
head and parents and brothers; even though inside i don't like my
brothers choices. I won't act like i am the only one who had tragedy in
life but i feel every year is getting worse for me. I don't even want to
leave my room or speak with a single person. Most times i am forced to
speak and often i find myself just starring somewhere else or in my own
world rather than speaking to someone. I have been cheated and used my
whole life, I've done a lot of dark things i am not proud of (No drugs),
and unfortunately those were the times i was the most alive. I tried to
do good, get a job, make my parents happy and try to be the son they
wanted, since my brothers all failed, and improve my own life before i
become a criminal and what happened? I am just depressed now. I feel
worthless and like a slave working a 9to5, I've drilled it into me that
i am a slave which is stupid, but for the life of me i cannot remove
that thought. My father almost died and permanently changed him in 2015,
my brother almost died and both his legs snapped in 2016, my best friend
and the biggest impact on my life died in my arms --My dog-- in 2017, my
brother went to prison in 2018 and now my only best friend is in prison
this year. This depression has ruined me and i fear i cant break away. I
don't know if anyone will respond but i just wanted to write this
somewhere. Also every job i ever did have i just hated. I hated so much
my life felt so miserable and empty inside. My smiles were always fake,
until i got to my room and locked my door to be myself. I am afraid to
get another job that i haven't worked for two years, i can't deal with
anymore depression and anxiety, i just can't. I haven't went to the
doctors, i know many people who changed for the worse once they got on
the doctors prescriptions. I don't know how this will sound to another
person reading, but it is what it is....this life holds no value in my
eyes. Money has ruined everyone i love and the thought of it disgusts me
and the fact i have to slave to earn it just to live kills me inside. I
am just all over the place with these thoughts and depression. Yearly it
grows worse.