Kids, separation and depression- I need a reality check to stop feeling sorry for myself

[Thunderkatnip]

I’m stuck in this space of feeling sorry for myself. It’s stopped me from really moving forward with things that will help me get better.

I was diagnosed with postnatal depression when my son was 8 months old. He is now 2.5 years old. I’m still cycling in and out of what is now depression. I was also diagnosed with complex ptsd a decade ago from an abusive marriage. I thought I was well beyond the grip of ptsd. I worked with my psychologist for 5 years! But it’s back with a vengeance.

I’m usually such an independent I’ll do it myself person. Even when I left my abusive relationship the only way forward for me was making it happen for myself.

But now after having a baby and living with my partner I found myself clinging to my partner and relationship for dear life.

I had depression issues almost immediately after having my son but it took a long time to realise what was happening and what I needed. During that my mental health took a massive toll on us, my son and his two girls.

My partner recently asked to separate. He removed his two girls and had them live with their mum full time and is still sharing a space with me and my son. But he is planning on moving out for a month and then I don’t know what will happen.

We see a couples therapist who said it is a good decision even though I don’t want to separate. I was crying and breaking down in front of my partners girls when triggered. It was traumatic for them. I felt like such a horrible person for hurting everyone around me. But I couldn’t stop and get better.

I hadn’t known my partner long before I found out I was pregnant. I’m from overseas I no family and only a handful of friends who can support.

I’ve found myself begging my partner to change his mind. He says he isn’t leaving but needing a break. But in anger says he is done.

I have reached out to everyone I know to tell them what is happening.

I’m so lost this morning I curled into a ball at my partners feet and begged him not to go to work. I told him I don’t want to be a mother anymore and that I just can’t cope feeling like this anymore.

I’ve just had my first psychiatrist appointment and she changed my antidepressant. I see a psychologist fortnightly and a couples counsel or fortnightly with my partner.

I don’t think there is anything more I can do but stop feeling sorry for myself but I just can’t get there.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Thunderkatnip,

I felt really moved by your post. You sound heartbroken, lonely and scared for the future...

I hope it’s okay for me to gently suggest that I think you’re hurting (rather than being self pitying, as you describe)...you have been through so much and are going through so much...

Sadly, I think sometimes past trauma can still affect a person in the here and now...sometimes, I think it can still linger for many years after the event/s. Abusive relationships cause so much wreckage, and even after a person courageously leaves it, I feel sometimes the emotional wounds re-open from time to time...but that’s absolutely not your fault of cause.

I feel you would have felt gutted after your partner asked to take a break. Your hurt and pain is clear...I think it’s also that much more painful, because you don’t really have a support network here...in many ways, I can understand why you would cling onto him...

In my eyes, I feel you’re much more resilient that you give yourself credit for. You have done some truly courageous things. You walked out of an abusive marriage (so gutsy!).

Yes, I know you’re hurting and crying and pleading a lot these days...and that’s very real and valid...but you’re still surviving each day. Still getting through it, and sometimes (often), I think survival is its own form of resilience and courage...because sometimes it’s the best we can do, and that has to be enough sometimes...

You’re always welcome to chat, vent and connect here. There’s no pressure to write/share more than you want to, but just know it’s a safe space if the mood strikes for you to write...

Kindness & care,

Pepper