Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

[Ausdog]

I have no interest in anything, I find no joy in life anymore. I am tired and am not sure this existence is what I want. I don't know who I am, who am I and who are the drugs trying to make me become. I despise more than I care, I feel nothing but anger and hate, at everyone and especially myself. I smile I'm public so I am left alone, no one knows the depth of my dark well I live in. Guess typing this helps.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ausdog,

Thank you for sharing this update. We can hear you’re dealing with a lot of pain right now. Please know that this community is here with you.

It sounds like things are really tough, so a member of our team will be checking in with you privately, we hope that’s ok. If you’d prefer to reach out to our counsellors directly we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. If at any point you feel unsafe, or that you might be unable to avoid acting on thoughts of harming yourself or others, the number to call is 000. 

Thanks again for sharing an update here. This lovely community is here for you. Hopefully, someone will spot your post shortly and might be able to share what’s helped them through really painful times. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Ausdog]

After posting earlier today I have realised that I am not getting "better" I have decided that I am not going to try to be who people think I should be.  I have no love for anyone or anything and only varying levels of despise for everything.   

[therising]

Hi Ausdog

It's heartbreaking to hear you've been led to feel do much so deeply, in the way of anger and sadness. Was just saying to my 17yo son and 19yo daughter 'I'm still discovering new emotions at 52 and they can be so incredibly challenging at times'. If you're someone who feels so much, the challenge is enormous.

While many define anger as a single emotion, I've found it's not the case. If you can feel what I'm saying, you'll be able to relate to the following: You can have

• basic anger, which can be felt as incredible annoyance
• great anger, which can be felt as aggravating
• serious anger, which can be felt as you beginning to lose control
• seething anger, which can be felt as some internal tornado of rage, possibly with enough energy to power an entire city

So, there you have 5 different emotions, 5 different feelings or sensations that all relate to anger.

Mixed emotions would have to be the worst, such as feeling rage and sadness at the same time. It can feel like you're being torn apart. That's the only way I can think to describe it. It can be so painful.

My heart goes out to you as you face such overwhelming deeply tormenting mixed emotions.

[Ausdog]

I doubt I will post here again.  Thank you to all that have tried to help and have reached out.   It's too hard.  I just want this pain to end and the sadness to go away.   Again thank you for your efforts. 

[therising]

Hi Ausdog

Can recall waking up to the realisation that emotional detachment is not a bad thing (in certain cases). It's actually an extremely handy ability. At first, you can really feel bad for doing it or practicing it. A lot of that's based on conditioning. Most of us are taught to please, no matter what, which is a mental program well and truly lodged somewhere up in our head.

I'll offer an example most of us can relate to: Say you have a horrible teacher who's hell bent on degrading kids. It gives them a sense of power and they enjoy the feeling. Most of us are conditioned 'Show respect for your elders, especially authority figures (such as teachers)'. Now, most people I know would say the following advice is completely wrong, yet 'wrong' is a matter of perception. I would say to a child, including my own children, 'Emotionally detach from that belief and connect to a new one that dictates 'Respect is earned, not automatically given. If you feel the need to shut that teacher down, in order to support the boy/girl being abused and degraded, trust that feeling. It will land you in trouble but I will show up to support you for being the 'upstander' you are. Do not be a bystander in witnessing other people's sufferance. Emotionally detach from the teacher and attach yourself to how you feel for the person being degraded. This feeling will drive toward being the person you need to be. When speaking up, always speak proudly, maturely and thoughtfully'.

I find when I'm not being who people think I should be (when it comes to pleasing them), it tends to trigger them. I too despise when others refuse to put in the hard work that is required for a healthy 2 way relationship. They can be so lazy at times yet tell you you're at fault in some way. Btw, one of the benefits to emotionally detaching is it gives you the ability and freedom to clearly analyse the nature of people and situations (without emotions getting in the way). Never stop practicing feeling or getting a feel for things, for it's our ability to feel that dictates the need for connection and disconnection.

[HopeDream]

Hello Ausdog,

I feel like I can relate to this a lot. I've also been feeling very tired and apathetic recently, like there is no point to continue. I also want to be left alone most of the time because I don't have energy to talk to people. However, I hope you know I am rooting for you and sending you strength through the screen. And I know it's cliché to say this but I hope you never forget you're not alone.

- HopeDream

[Sunday64]

Hi ausdog, I hope you're well. I feel for you as my own son is troubled by voices. But we've found some useful strategies for when they are really annoying: sing or hum. They often go away.

Or turn and talk to the voice, like a loving parent, saying that they sound really hurt, is there anything you can help them with. They often quiet down and go away....

Many people hear voices - about as many as left-handed people. You may have to learn to live with them. But when you are feeling better they will be kinder. There's no need to be afraid of them... They are just a part of you, looking for compassion. 

Do unto others...