Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

[Ausdog]

I have no interest in anything, I find no joy in life anymore. I am tired and am not sure this existence is what I want. I don't know who I am, who am I and who are the drugs trying to make me become. I despise more than I care, I feel nothing but anger and hate, at everyone and especially myself. I smile I'm public so I am left alone, no one knows the depth of my dark well I live in. Guess typing this helps.

[Leisa68]

Hi Ausdog,

Welcome to the forums, I'm very sorry you are going through these feelings. They are so tiring, aren't they? I wonder as you have your medication are you in contact with your GP regarding this or a psych? If not do you think you could turn to them for help? You need to make someone aware of how you are feeling, these feelings do not go away without any professional help. Burying them will make them appear at a later stage and leave you exhausted. There are also helplines such as Beyond Blue and Lifeline which are also great to turn to when you are very low.

I hope this provides some help for you, I have been in a similar place and I got out, but it is all about maintaining the condition once you have gotten to a better place. I wish you all the very best.

Leisa68

[Ausdog]

Thank you Leisa68 I appreciate it

[Ausdog]

I am sick of trying to be who people say I should be. I take my medication, I smile in public yet still feel terrible. I hate everything and everyone, especially myself.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Ausdog,

It sounds like a really difficult time. Thank you for updating us here on your thread. 

We’re reaching out to you privately. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through this mental state and working out options for more support. 

Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), which can sit with you in these feelings and help you safety plan. The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning . You can even call Lifeline (131114) and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

It’s so good that you’ve been able to share what's going on here. Thank you for your bravery and openness, Ausdog.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Ausdog]

Thanks Sophie_M.  Much appreciated 

[therising]

Hi Ausdog

To say life is tough when we have no idea who we are or are supposed to be can be the understatement of the century at times. While some people couldn't give a damn when it comes to better understanding who they are, for others it's like a form of torture, not knowing.

The amount of times I've thought 'If I truly knew who I was, I'd know if I was doing things right/heading in the right direction', I've lost track of. Being a gal who's a 'feeler', someone who's sensitive to how I feel my life, I've found I've been able to feel who I'm not. While I left long term depression behind me some years ago, I've figured out over time that when I begin to become depressed that's me feeling who I'm not. Took me a heck of a long time to work that out. A couple of examples: I'm not someone who can remain in my 20 year marriage to my husband, as it has become incredibly depressing. This is why I'm in the process of separation. I'm not someone who can tolerate or manage a depressing or angering lack of guidance or help, which is why I no longer turn to people who can't or won't raise me out of how I'm feeling or perceiving life. I look to visionaries and feelers who can relate to what I need to see and feel. Life can be tough figuring out who you are through a  process of elimination.

I think sometimes working out who we are at a snails pace can become somewhat depressing. It can feel hopeless at times. This is one of the things that's led me to be a major researcher, which has in turn brought the wonderer in me to life. How I tick mentally, physically and in a soulful sense are all things that fascinate me. I kind of see it as 'fast tracking' - being a detective, tracking down what I want to know. Praise the era of the internet. One of the most surprising discoveries I've come across is something known as 'Hearing Voices Network', designed for people who face deeply challenging internal dialogue (through destructive and depressing belief systems given to them), those who face the challenges of schizophrenia and even those who hear on a soulful level (clairaudience). All are welcome.

The relief that comes with sharing with others what no one else can understand or relate to can be liberating and inspiring.

[Ausdog]

Thank you, I appreciate all the guidance and advice

[Ausdog]

My son doesn't want to be with me.  I smile and tell him it's ok I understand, while screaming mentally.  I don't want help, I am beyond caring, my reason for being normal is gone.  So everyone can see the true me,  the voices have been right all along.  I feel like giving up completely, the demons win.  

[Sophie_M]

Dear Ausdog

Thank you for showing such courage in posting and sharing your experience. 
Ausdog, we are concerned about you, so we’re reaching out to you privately to offer some support. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support. 

Please note, it’s worth remembering that immediate support is not available via the forums. Some days are slower than others, and some topics hit home with people more than others. The number of replies received will always vary from day to day.

If you need more immediate contact, please use our support service either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
We are here to help and support you through this journey.  

Regards

Sophie M