Depression/anxiety and sex

[Venkman]

Hi all, new member here! I'm a straight male in my early 40's. I'll got to the chase and say that I've had lifelong difficulties with "rising to the occasion" and this has lead to frequent periods of despair, worthlessness and self-recrimination. After a very nice date last night, which lead to a bit of fooling around, I was again unable to perform and my mood today is... not good. Some suicidal ideation there too and not for the first time. I actually howled like some sort of wounded animal when I got home. Just feeling like a failure and less of a man, I guess. I want female love and affection but I feel I can't provide for them in quite a basic area. I have got two children so things have - occasionally - worked down there, I just no longer know whether my anxiety has caused this issue, whether the issue has caused the anxiety... it's all just a mess. Any help anyone can spare or even some random thoughts would be brilliant. Cheers.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Venkman,

We're so grateful that you have reached out to our community tonight, we know that it is not an easy thing to do but it is so important that you have. We're really sorry to hear that you're struggling right now, but please know that you've come a safe and non-judgemental space to talk through these thoughts and feelings with our supportive community. Can we ask, do you currently have any mental health support? We understand it would be really tough to cope with all of this on your own. If you would like some extra support, or would like to talk through some of these thoughts and feelings with a counsellor, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums. Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.
 

[therising]

Hi Venkman

First, I'll mention I'm married in a monogamous relationship, so I'll be using my imagination here in regard to the sort of guy I'd be looking for, so as to give you a different perspective. As a female, I'd much prefer to to know I'm with someone who is extensively playful when it comes to rising to excitement. A 'Wham, bamm, thank you ma'am' sort of guy would in no way be my cup of tea. This sort of guy wouldn't excite me. There'd be no challenge or excitement in it for me, in helping him get there.

Foreplay can be seen as 'playing around through gradually rising to excitement'. Try giving yourself the freedom to play around with what feels good (try not to think too much, just get a feel for it instead). You'll naturally know what works and what doesn't. Outside the square ideas could involve sitting in a bath together with high vibing music (relaxed and amusing excitement). Having your partner help you work out the stress of the day (massage) may naturally raise your vibe to excitement without tension. Talking about what gets your partner excited might be enough to naturally raise your energy levels. It'll be a bit of a trial and error thing, figuring out what naturally excites you. What used to be exciting might not do it for you anymore. It could simply be boring for you now.

It may be strange to think that there are actually practices out there where partners work up to a certain level of excitement and then focus on pausing, before re-engaging so as to take it up a notch. This form of discipline is about self-control and mastering the mind/body connection. This can go on for hours for some, as they focus on stopping the excitement at intervals.

Knowing how we tick on an energetic level can involve experimenting with

• what excitement feels like in the body in different areas (this requires purely feeling and observing and not thinking)
• how to gradually raise our energy to being 'fully charged'
• understanding our self on a whole new level
• letting go of expectation in favour of imagination

Of course, it's always important to get any physical aspects checked out, like vascular factors.

Is it possible that you function on a more sensitive and mature level when it comes to intimacy and you need an ideal partner to match this, like one who gets a kick out of extended foreplay? Challenging our self to see how excited we can get our partner can also be exciting when it comes to how we relate in any relationship.

Have fun experimenting 🙂

[Venkman]

Thanks for your thoughtful reply, therising. Some interesting notions there which I'm going to carefully digestOn one hand, I know everything you say makes sense but on the other, and after a couple of decades of ... impotence is the only word, really, my go-to reaction is still to feel like a failure. Undoubtedly choosing the wrong partner has often been an issue in the past - choices made because I want to be liked by a woman, any woman - and feeling the pressure to please when I'm not totally comfortable has frequently been overwhelming. The whole issue has become a massive roadblock in my head and I just want it to go away.

[therising]

Hi Venkman

A little more food for thought:

I know it might genuinely be hard to acknowledge but I honestly feel that women are failing you, not the other way around. A lot of the women you've met most likely won't even acknowledge the idea that they're failing you in some way. There's a strong possibility that the woman that longs to serve you is an outside the square thinker who just loves to wonder about possibilities and lead you, thoughtfully, to such possibilities. She'd be the sort of gal who'd be thinking 'Okay, I failed to excite there but that's not going to stop me'. She'd have a stack of fun trying and lead you to have fun too. So, no matter what, she's more into fun and making you laugh than anything else.

Not sure if this will be of any help but what kind of woman would naturally excite you, not necessarily in the bedroom?

• One who plays hard to get?
• One that has a wicked sense of humour?
• One that's not superficial but instead loves all things nature? Bit of a hippie chick perhaps
• One who isn't into putting the pressure on? She's happy to just go with the flow
• One that paints her toenails red or maybe even your toenails. Yes, it's a thing 🙂
• How 'bout one who gets you super excited about life in a variety of ways. Bit of an out there example but just say you loved magic shows and mentioned this to her. BAMM, she's on the phone and 5 minutes later says 'Booked a couple of seats. Don't think about it, I'm taking you'. You go, have a fantastic time and discover you can trust her to know you better than you know your self. She brings you to life by bringing life to you (a life you may not have even realised you really wanted all along). She shows you that you are worth more than what you believe, you are not worth less than what you deserve. She reveals to you a whole different you. Abracadabra!

Women like this are few and far between, just as deeply sensitive guys are few and far between. We do exist though, hey?!

There is the possibility that reason you have been experiencing the challenge that concerns you for such a long time involves having not met the woman who has a natural ability to bring you to life. Maybe there have been key elements missing from women in the past. In other words, it's not you, it's them. Strong possibility I would suggest. Sometimes it takes a magical sort of woman to raise a man, to be his natural excited self.

🙂

[Venkman]

I want to thank you again, therising. You've echoed some comments made by a good friend earlier which is always comforting. I do feel better today but this issue ebbs and flows so I never get too comfortable, really. However, I'm going to see my Doctor tomorrow morning and get the ball rolling on a physical examination after all this time because frankly I'm tired of feeling embarrassed, ashamed and despondent because of my thus-far rickety sex life. Despite being pretty damn liberal and broadminded, I've had the usual nonsense drummed into my head about what constitutes "masculinity" and, for me, sex has always been near the top of the list (rightly or wrongly).

"She'd be the sort of gal who'd be thinking 'Okay, I failed to excite there but that's not going to stop me'. "

To be honest, this is when I've had my best sexual experiences! There is always fun to be had if you're both agreeable, for sure. I do think I'm naturally attracted to smart, funny, yet difficult and domineering women who have plenty of their own issues (a lot of them have been hippie chicks too, bizarrely!) - that's a cycle which will be difficult to break.

[therising]

Hi Venkman

Sounds like you're stepping foot on your path to change. Going to the GP's a proactive step. Wondering about the female influences and the masculinity mindset society drums in are also proactive steps.

Personally, the last 10 months for me have been a massive learning experience in the way of change. It's all been pretty challenging. At 49, I can honestly say this has been the most productive year of my life. I've let go of a lot. You know, a lot of those social beliefs as well as the fear of judgement which has always been a biggy for me in my life. In my own quest for greater self understanding, I have learned that there are necessary skills that, a lot of the time, we're just not given but they're typically skills we start life with. The skill of being reasonable (being able to reason) begins when we ask 'Why?' to just about everything, typically when we're about 3yo. Unfortunately, we're told 'Stop asking why all the time!' sometimes with the added directive to 'Just do as you're told'. I feel like I'm 3 again. I wonder about possibility and I seek reason in so much. I challenge all questionable things by asking 'Why?' It's pretty fun I have to admit and quite revealing...

I have found if ever there is a time we come to doubt our self, it is important to ask 'Why?' in these moments.

• Why does society teach men to be less sensitive? Because society doesn't know any better, which is a shame
• Why do selfish domineering women treat men so thoughtlessly? Because they don't know any better, which is a shame
• Why do our parents teach such thoughtless restrictive beliefs to us? Because they don't know any better than what was taught to them, which is a shame

The list goes on and on.

The goal in life must be to know better, to be more conscious, to seek answers. You are now on the path than many refuse to take and I wish you many moments of enlightenment to lead the way.

All the best 🙂