Depression and dating

LauraM · ‎10-10-2013

Hi everyone! I'm new to this forum, although I wish I'd signed up much much earlier! I was diagnosed about 6 years ago and I have been on the long road of recovery, and I've certainly had my ups and downs. Recently I've begun dating again, and I've found it quite strange with this monkey of 'mental illness' on my back. Recently I had one gentleman taken aback by it, saying he knew nothing about depression and was really apprehensive. He said that he had an aunty who suffered from psychosis, and that's all he could think about when I told him I had depression. He since has explained that he still wanted to get to know me and try to understand my lived experiences of my illness, but it's really made me super aware and anxious about telling potential partners about my depression. Like, when is the right time? How do I explain it? What do I do if they reject me because of it? And further from that, if a relationship develops, how will my illness impact the future? Will he understand? Will he blame me? I've even been wondering if I will be able to cope with the complexities of a relationship? I know I'm in danger of catastrophising here, but I would love to know other people's opinions and experiences of navigating this illness and dating and relationships! Thanks!

vip · ‎10-10-2013

Hi Laura get to know him better before you explain the depression and when the time comes maybe get a information package from beyond blue about it for him to read. Look if he cant accept you suffer with it once you have told him then he probably isnt the right person for you . If he can learn to live with it then good on him and just keep the communication up about it in the relationship when you need too. Depression should be nothing you should be ashamed to hide and its not a dirty word it is very common and its just part of peoples personalities sometimes. Goodluck and take care

pinkclouds · ‎10-10-2013

Hey LauraM,
you truly have legitimate concerns that i know i have definitely have tossed and turned over. I have experienced mixed reactions from revealing my illness, admittedly i tend to reveal my illness early on. Part of me feels that i need to give my dates a personal disclaimer so they know what they are getting themselves into, this is how i have been navigating through dating with my illness. I do feel that i am still in the process of recovery, i am afraid my illness will manifest itself into problems throughout and/or later on and i will be inclined to sabotage the relationship. I feel that if i reveal my illness that they will be able to have an explanation for my moods. The first boyfriend i discussed my illness with promptly ended our relationship as he thought eventually i would be too much to handle. At the time i was not able to fully understand and fell into whirlpool of rejection and anxiety. It was not till later that i appreciated his honesty. The second boyfriend i told, was able to understand and almost displayed curiosity over my ability to be quite intune with my emotions and how my brain worked. We are still together and he is very patient, i was nervous to discuss this illness with initially but i am glad i did. I told both dates early, i am not sure if this is the best tact in terms of dating with an illness but so far this is how i have been dealing with all this. Dating with depression is not easy, you can almost feel like you have a deep dark secret and it is the fear of how they will react that can really get into your head and that is all the fear of the unknown. You are still getting to the know person while your dating. I'm more afraid of self sabotage in the relationship rather than their reactions these days. The more curious your partner is, the more they are open to learning about how you "work" and possibly they will be more patience.

geoff · ‎11-10-2013

dear Pinkclouds, I agree with Nes, and I'm just wondering by telling these guys about your depression is because you are looking for their support.

Personally if you want to tell them about your depression then just tell a smigin amount, or as time passes it will slowly develop, so enjoy the euphoria and excitement of you know what. lol . L Geoff. x

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pinkclouds · ‎11-10-2013

Well Geoff, i think it is more about understanding for me. I want them to understand where i am coming from. Like i was saying to Laura M, these are just my experiences as LauraM was curious to know others own experiences with dating with depression. It is not a recommendation in any way.

Me2 · ‎13-10-2013

Personally, I wouldn't mention it straight away, but allow time for him to get to know you. After all, the depression doesn't define who you are as a person. However, it definitely needs to be mentioned at some point, especially if it's an ongoing issue and will impact on the relationship.

I once dated someone and mentioned my history of depression. His response was '..you've got nothing to be depressed about'. He didn't take it very seriously. Turns out he was a tool and not the right person for me. For a range of reasons (not just that conversation), I ended it with him soon after.

I believe the right person should accept you despite your depression - they should see beyond it.

EP87 · ‎13-10-2013

I have been learning about personal boundaries and to not make myself so vulnerable to judgement by sharing too much too soon.

Your depression is not who you are. So I wouldn't be so quick to label yourself. You're Laura, not just a depressed woman. And that's who you should let potential partners get to know.

If someone gets to know you as you are, with the depressive symptoms not hidden away, and they still want to see you then they're okay with it and after a couple of months you could talk it over.

Maybe consider how you would feel if someone told you the same thing. Would it feel appropriate to hear that straight away? If they only brought it up later, would you feel betrayed or would you understand that they were protecting themselves?

smithhiles · ‎23-06-2014

be awre of dating

AGrace · ‎23-06-2014

Hi Laura,

Great topic, and great questions!!

During a recent stay in a psychiatric hospital i became close to a lady who was internet dating whilst an inpatient. To the point that some of her dates would pick her up to enable her to have escorted leave so she could go for dinner with them. There was a mixed reaction from the few men that she met, which gave me the impression that a great deal of this depends on the individual. Some of the men liked the fact that she was honest and able to be vulnerable, others thought she was crazy (not my chosen word).

I'm thinking I wouldn't rush into a conversation about having a colonoscopy or my tonsils removed at dinner, and similarly I wouldn't use my mental illness as a topic of stimulating conversation during a date. No doubt there are many other aspects to YOU that would be far more interesting to talk about. I'd also advise against using your mental illness as a means to caution someone about who you are and what they're getting into.

Finally I think when the time is right, and you're with the right person there won't be any cause for questions...you will know because it will feel right.

I hope my view is helpful.

AGrace

Silverorchid77 · ‎24-06-2014

Hi Laura,

There is never really a right time to bring up the topic- When you feel comfortable around the guy and know that you can trust him then I would say that would be the best time.

It's not easy for some people to wrap there heads around mental illnesses and people that care about you will get scared of hearing about something that they don't understand and they can react in negative ways but they only mean want what's best for you and are really trying to help.

When you find the right person, he'll accept you for all your little quirks including any illnesses. It might take some time for people to come around, but the right person will stick around.

The first guy I dated didn't understand and was a bit judgemental about it, but after a discussion with him I discovered that he just didn't like the idea of me hurting myself and was just worried about me. Having a discussion with your partner over the topic is the best way to explain what you're going through, even if it's hard to talk about.

The next guy I dated was going through a similar thing that I was which made things a lot easier. From what I've discovered from my experiences is that communication is the key, you never know, the guy you're with might be going through the same thing.

The best of luck to you, I hope I could help.