Depressed about work

JacintaMarie

Hi

How are you? I'm an awful person, at times I think where I work the people are horrible.

Well management are, but its just my head that's saying this. I can't seem to see anything good in them.

I've tried but my head just thinks their stupid

They are nice - just when their happy, when their stressed their horrible.

My brain is stuffed I think - just stuffed & I've been reading mindfulness & everything to help me, but it doesn't work.

Plus too, I can't talk to management, like a normal person, if I say something wrong, they get offended (though this is my brain that's telling me this)

I'm just horrible- calling them stupid etc.

Scared

Maybe they are stupid, I dont know them but you have to try and put yourself in their shoes. Management have bosses too and maybe they are stressed out with the job as well. Try to have empathy for the difficult job they do. If you can be more understanding then maybe you wont feel as frustrated. Instead of feeling terrible about thinking bad about them try to feel generous about others have hard lives too and maybe you can start to feel better about yourself as being an understanding empathetic soul. So everyday try to find something great management did and tell them. You will feel better and so would they.

ABC01

Dear JacintaMarie,

I don't really know anyone who likes their job. Most people are only there to make money to put a roof over their heads, buy food and petrol ect. It is very rare to find someone who loves their job. Not unheard of, but very rare.

Scared does have a point. Everyone has someone above them and they all have jobs they have to get done. So management is the same.

However, if it is affecting your mental health, you need to make moves about it. It sounds as if you have looked into a few things and haven't found them helpful. But there are many more things out there to try.

Perhaps you may need to connect with a GP, to get a Mental Health Plan and that will connect you to a counselor or psychologist.

You are not stupid or horrible. You are stressed and getting more stressed as time goes on. This is the time where you can start to develop problems, that turn into disorders etc. You have recognized something is not right. So now is the time to act.

I hope you know you are not alone.

We are here on the forum if you have more to say. Usually there is more going on that just one aspect in our lifes.

ABC01

JacintaMarie

Hi

Thanks for that & your words, I feel terrible as I haven't had empathy.

I did end up getting a second screen for my computer, it doesn't work but it will hopefully.

The main thing about them, is that I'm disappointed in them, they seem to be just doing easy work, or just moving staff around. I thought they would be thinking more about the direction of the library.

Or even their bosses, they don't seem to be doing much either, I know stuff takes time, but I've been there for 14 years & nothing has changed, we've just got "old fashioned" technology

But I'll try.

JacintaMarie

Thanks, yes scared is correct & I've been terrible, not realising they've got bosses & stuff going on outside.

Like I replied to scared, I'm disappointed in them, they haven’t done anything, I thought they'll be thinking of future stuff for the library - like what direction the library will be going.

My mum says it takes time, but 14 years is a long time & I think I'm gonna be there until I retire.

Sometimes I'm the only one who thinks like this, the rest of the staff I think don't care, they just want to get paid & don't care what management do - to them, management is just normal. So, I'm just weird & I feel alone, there's literally no one there who understands or even has ideas, every idea I do say, gets turned down & called stupid. I think my ideas are 10,000 years in future.

I'll try & see something good in them, but deep down inside of me I think it's hopeless

ABC01

Dear JacintaMarie,

It sounds like all of this is out of your control. Literally, out of your control. And the problem with trying to control something that you can’t,is just alot of wasted emotional energy. And energy you could invest elsewhere. If they don’t want to hear your ideas today ,let it go. Save them for when they are most needed. Your library might need them one day to save it. It also may not have the money or resources to satisfy one of your ideas either. And I think that maybe more dissatisfying to watch, then get dismissed. A job only half done.

Hopefully you can find good things in your library. I always thought it would be an interesting place to work. And if you see yourself retiring there, perhaps it may pay to try to find those good things and focus on them. Or maybe try to find another position in a different library. I am not sure what type of library that you work in, but do you get to see kids have reading experiences with fairies and such? Can you see young adults studying,maybe being the next doctor one day? Is there a section of books that is your favourite and for a reason that makes you happy? Try to find those specks of glitter to illuminate your working days there. I know it is hard when you are dissatisfied, but keep going and you may just turn a corner. Please be kind to yourself as well. Take a hot chocolate to work with you for the 3pm hump. Aldi make some interesting selections. And sit outside for your breaks. The sunshine,fresh air and scenery can do wonders. Play games with your surroundings to ground yourself,like for every 5 red cars you see, you say a special word. I in particular loved writing letters to my sister in my breaks. And she would write back too in hers. Actual letters on paper and not texts. You could crochet blankets for your local animal shelter or baby organisations. These take days to do. And could be a great use of your time at work. I too would knit and then bring it to work the next day and keep going.
There are alot of options to distract and engage positive emotions into your breaks. It may help you enjoy going to your workplace again.

Don’t be too disheartened at your other colleagues. They may not want to rock the boat. Some people stay quiet to keep their jobs. And others,like you said are only there for a paycheck and don’t care about how it comes to them. It is nice that you care.

It is okay if none of this resonates with you. Your feelings are valid. And heard.

ABC01

JacintaMarie

Thanks, yes it is a emotional waste - the crying & anger is exhausting & yes, I think it is due to not enough money & resources. I just feel like fool for even thinking it - or I'm 100 years in future & yeah, the other staff don't care maybe & don't want to rock the boat. I work in a law library - its slowly getting there, but it's just the money.

It is exhausting & my brain just keeps on getting angry - plus too, my work colleagues might not see it. They take a while to get it & I think they're not good at change & not flexible.