Depressed

[JacintaMarie]

Hi

How are you? Sorry, I'm back & I can't get my mind off of the thought that my management at work is not good.

They're okay. I think I need to leave, but I'm terrible at getting jobs. 

Plus too, I'm the only one who thinks our management is not doing a good job! My brain has given up & I don't want to have ideas, as no one likes them & they don't like change.

Most people there think management are the best (I don't say anything, as it wouldn't be professional) , which makes me more lonely as I'm the only one and I feel bad & guilty.

Don't get me wrong, their not bad people, just not good managers, more into the money. 

I'm so bad, that I've been wishing for directors or judges or lawyers to tell them what to do.

I can't seem to rid my brain of this thought, to just do my work.

I can't go to HR, as they can't do anything - I'm an awful awful person, for even thinking how hopeless they are - plus too, they act like their doing a wonderful job - so I'm wrong

Thanks for letting me rant - and I am trying to find another job, but it's hard & than I get more depressed, because there's probably more bad management out there & so there's no point in leaving...

I've been doing really great, & now...

On the bright side, it was a nice day today...

I understand why people get depressed at work, but also sad as management are people, but can't see the wood for the trees, that people can't talk to them, to tell the truth. I can now understand how court cases happen because of it, but that's useless as unless people want to change, they won't. 

But also too, in the world, there's no hope as bad management stays in organisations- no one cares.

[JacintaMarie]

Hi

Thanks for that & your words, I feel terrible as I haven't had empathy.

I did end up getting a second screen for my computer, it doesn't work but it will hopefully.

The main thing about them, is that I'm disappointed in them, they seem to be just doing easy work, or just moving staff around. I thought they would be thinking more about the direction of the library.

Or even their bosses, they don't seem to be doing much either, I know stuff takes time, but I've been there for 14 years & nothing has changed, we've just got "old fashioned" technology 

But I'll try.

[JacintaMarie]

Thanks, yes scared is correct & I've been terrible, not realising they've got bosses & stuff going on outside.

Like I replied to scared, I'm disappointed in them, they haven’t done anything, I thought they'll be thinking of future stuff for the library - like what direction the library will be going.

My mum says it takes time, but 14 years is a long time & I think I'm gonna be there until I retire.

Sometimes I'm the only one who thinks like this, the rest of the staff I think don't care, they just want to get paid & don't care what management do - to them, management is just normal. So, I'm just weird & I feel alone, there's literally no one there who understands or even has ideas, every idea I do say, gets turned down & called stupid. I think my ideas are 10,000 years in future.

I'll try & see something good in them, but deep down inside of me I think it's hopeless

[ABC01]

Dear JacintaMarie,

It sounds like all of this is out of your control. Literally, out of your control. And the problem with trying to control something that you can’t,is just alot of wasted emotional energy. And energy you could invest elsewhere. If they don’t want to hear your ideas today ,let it go. Save them for when they are most needed. Your library might need them one day to save it. It also may not have the money or resources to satisfy one of your ideas either. And I think that maybe more dissatisfying to watch, then get dismissed. A job only half done.

Hopefully you can find good things in your library. I always thought it would be an interesting place to work. And if you see yourself retiring there, perhaps it may pay to try to find those good things and focus on them. Or maybe try to find another position in a different library. I am not sure what type of library that you work in, but do you get to see kids have reading experiences with fairies and such? Can you see young adults studying,maybe being the next doctor one day? Is there a section of books that is your favourite and for a reason that makes you happy? Try to find those specks of glitter to illuminate your working days there. I know it is hard when you are dissatisfied, but keep going and you may just turn a corner. Please be kind to yourself as well. Take a hot chocolate to work with you for the 3pm hump. Aldi make some interesting selections. And sit outside for your breaks. The sunshine,fresh air and scenery can do wonders. Play games with your surroundings to ground yourself,like for every 5 red cars you see, you say a special word. I in particular loved writing letters to my sister in my breaks. And she would write back too in hers. Actual letters on paper and not texts. You could crochet blankets for your local animal shelter or baby organisations. These take days to do. And could be a great use of your time at work. I too would knit and then bring it to work the next day and keep going. 
There are alot of options to distract and engage positive emotions into your breaks. It may help you enjoy going to your workplace again.

Don’t be too disheartened at your other colleagues. They may not want to rock the boat. Some people stay quiet to keep their jobs. And others,like you said are only there for a paycheck and don’t care about how it comes to them. It is nice that you care.

 It is okay if none of this resonates with you. Your feelings are valid. And heard.

ABC01

[JacintaMarie]

Thanks, yes it is a emotional waste - the crying & anger is exhausting & yes, I think it is due to not enough money & resources. I just feel like fool for even thinking it - or I'm 100 years in future & yeah, the other staff don't care maybe & don't want to rock the boat.  I work in a law library - its slowly getting there, but it's just the money. 

It is exhausting & my brain just keeps on getting angry - plus too, my work colleagues might not see it. They take a while to get it & I think they're not good at change & not flexible.

[JacintaMarie]

Hi

How are you? Sorry for coming here again.

I need to talk, I was going okay this morning.

I should be happy, as I got a job & getting paid, but my job, the management doesn't really do anything. We've had no good changes, just staff movements.

It's because of money, we don't have the money to do stuff. I don't know how other places do it.

Getting angry, & have admitted it, which is good. And the type of people they are, they're not proactive people, so they're never going to do it.

But my brain still doesn't get that & I get upset.

I wish I was like the other staff there & who don't give a s*** & just want to be paid.

I don't even have proof that our management is abit hopeless, just my gut feeling. It doesn't help, that they act nice, so it makes me feel worse, they're unproductive, but they're nice. 

Having a cry. Am looking for another job, hopefully somewhere where they give a s*** & actually want to work & do some progress & change & evolution 

[JacintaMarie]

Hi

I'm down & sad & couldn't understand my anger, but realised my management has stuffed me around, didn't replace one of our team members, than gave me all their work, brought someone in the job but made it a librarian job.

Than made it into a library technician job, when I guess it should have been a library officer

I've been anxious than angry then depressed & I wonder why

Thanks a job I really did like, that I couldn't do as I was acting, I can't do anymore.

The people are nice though, they say the right words, but their actions are not.

And now, I'm grateful for job, but depressed, when I realize its a mean place, full of mean people & I'm stuck there. 

[Sophie_M]

Hello JacintaMarie, 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with the community - no need to apologise, you are more than welcome here. 

This must all feel so confusing for you... it sounds like your heart wants to be a part of something more meaningful and connected? It can be really overwhelming and leave us feeling flat when we aren't working in alignment with what we really desire. Of course, this is hard when we need to pay the bills though, isn't it? 

It seems like your emotions are trying to tell you something here. Can you become curious about what this anger is trying to ask you to hear? And from that place, what actions can you take towards making the changes you need to in order to feel good? What is within your control? 

It's okay to feel angry and hurt right now, even if people are nice. Taking care of yourself (and also asking for support) will go a long way to help you manage these bigger feelings. Do you have anyone you can turn to outside of work? And what are you doing for yourself to ensure your passions are being met when you aren't working?

A lot of questions - I know! But I think if we start with answering them, we will have a bit more clarity to work with and hopefully we can create a plan moving forward that helps you to feel excited and empowered again!! 

Looking forward to your reply. xx

Warm regards, 
Sophie M. 

[JacintaMarie]

Hi Sophie M

Thanks, I'm not sure, I think, stupid of me, I thought the library could improve more, have some more online resources & be something . 

Yesterday, I showed a website that was really good, & said my hope was the library to be cutting edge, but I got told the library already was.

So, I've been wrong - I didn't think it was. Plus, your kind, some people there, I can't tell ideas - they just "laugh" at them & think I'm crazy & a nut case 

Most people there, don't care, I don't have anyone I can talk too. I'm probably boring, as I keep on thinking about new ideas.

[JacintaMarie]

Hi Sophie, I do writing & doing a paint by numbers & found out on Thursday,  I found out from someone that the library is cutting edge - so there's no need to make it better.

I keep on talking & getting people angry. 

People outside of work, just tell me I'm basically wrong, I am wrong - I thought our management weren't doing anything, but it turns out there isn't really anything to change.

Nit sure what I'm anger is about, maybe to do something more. But not work in law library - there's no need for change, or perhaps my ideas are just way ahead of what human beings can comprehend. It is hard when to deal with people who have closed minds & not open - there's alot of people there like that.

[Sophie_M]

Hello JacintaMarie, 

It sounds like you have big and bountiful ideas, but they aren't being celebrated like they could be. You are right, it can be really tough being around people who aren't open to new ways of doing and being. It seems rather upsetting for you to be in this position, especially with people being unsupportive... I am very much getting the sense that working on a project outside of work that is just for you and your creative expression could help so much here. 

Do you have any ideas? ✨😍

Warm regards, 
Sophie M.