Expectations

[Dollie]

Hi angels.

On the outside I look like this positive uplifting girl. 

Jokes and laughs with others, has money and encourages others.

Yet I feel like I'm dying on the inside.

Suffocated my expectations of beauty and grades and this perfect exterior.

I constantly feel like everyone's life is more valuable and meaningful than mine.

I feel alone even when I surrounded by friends and family.

Their comments constantly feel hollow and fake, as if there is no meaning.

I constantly feel these great expectations towards me.

My mum expects a lot from me, I expect a lot from me.

I constantly compare myself to others, and feel hopeless.

I try my best, staying up until late nights studying, pushing my body past it's limits.

I feel this pressure crushing me underneath, unable to do or say anything to make myself feel better.

I'm only 12 but I've still never felt pure joy in anything, in happiness or my accomplishments.

The weight of expectations feels like it's crushing me, nobody seems to understand me.

And when they act like they do it sounds shallow, meaningless, like something to fill the empty space.

As if it isn't meant to mean anything but just fill the awkward quietness.

To act like they care when they don't.

Recently the air has just felt different, louder, looser.

Words are meaningless, life feels pointless.

- Dollie

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I think I get it but you seem a lot different to my internal mind at your age so I'll try to make sense of it.

At your age any internal thoughts can present themselves as confusing and needing justification to be there whereas the mind can... have a mind of its own that we are not fully in control with.

For many years people were telling me I was "too sensitive" and I tried heaps to not be so. But after 30 years or more I realised that my sensitivity was deeply inground inside me and could not be changed. It was me! and we are all different. The key was to embrace myself, accept myself for my thoughts and feelings.

For example- when people talk and you find their comments shallow or meaningless try to take away from that conversation only things that mean anything to you. Positive constructive things. Plus ask questions on those things that matter. eg

They say "I went out Sunday night and didnt get home till 3am"

You ask "what did you do"?

They say "I went to a friends house and we played computer games"

You ask "how did you feel when you went to school on Monday morning"?

They say "I got to school late and got into trouble"

So by asking questions you got an answer to what was more important for you to learn that being how did they manage to get to school on time and not get into trouble. That means remaining in a conversation has benefitted you. That's how talking works and why it is a fact that people have long conversations- information gathering to improve knowledge.

The other thing is that regardless of your study and chores you will benefit from a hobby and a close friend or two. Life can feel meaningless without those 2 factors in your life.

Finally, life is never pointless if you focus on helping other people get through life better. It's why I'm here right now. I'm answering you now in the hope that you will, in this post or a few further on if you want to answer, help you as much as I can. One day one short comment from me you might recall and help you somehow. I dont get paid, I wont know if you benefit, its all because I get pleasure from reaching out. You will one day find your road of happiness but ATM you are a little lost. Believe me, these stages in life come and go, but the more you examine yourself, your thinking, your actions, the more you can like yourself. Once you begin to like yourself you'll feel great- life is great.

You're brave to write your post. well done. Imagine how many people your age will benefit from it?

Your thoughts?

TonyWK

[Dollie]

Hii white knight,

I'm so grateful you have responded 🙂

I've been struggling on what to do with myself and my life.

I don't feel comfortable telling anyone as my mum would exaggerate the situation and make it worse.

It just feels when I have conversations with my 2 really close friends that it feels shallow.

Shallow in a way that our conversation is boring and unenjoyable.

But it's the same for everything.

I just feel like there is no point to life in general.

It just feels so meaningless.

I don't know how to add meaning to my life, yk what I mean?
Like everyday is the same basic day.

Boring school days and schedules that I don't think benefits me to be honest.

And I think that's what's so bad.

Because I feel like there is no point to life.. what is the point of life?
Eventually we are going to die anyways so why wouldn't we just end it quicker.

I feel like I have never felt pure joy before.

Where I feel happy and valueble, where I feel like it did matter.

I also constantly have these thoughts of failure for the future and it stresses me out and puts so much pressure on me.

I just feel like the only thing holding me back from committing is my fear of pain and death.

There's just so much emotions that have built up.

My life is a mess, my friend hates me and the other 2 are fighting, my mum doesn't understand me, I feel pressure for my grades and failure and this picture of being perfect because of what others and I expect from myself.

I just don't know what to do with my life for it too feel meaningful.

Thank you for reaching out it really means a lot to have an online stranger who can't cretize me (I forgot how to spell the word. THIS IS WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY I'M DUMB. I CAN'T EVEN SPELL SIMPLE ENGLISH WORDS. WHATS GONNA HAPPEN FOR ME FOR STUFF LIKE VCE. I'M GONNA FAIL AND BE JUDGED. OH GOD THE PRESSURE."

-Dollie

[Sophie_M]

Hi Dollie,  

Thank you for sharing your story here. We can hear you’re going through a difficult time and have been struggling on what to do with your life.
 
If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important to take immediate steps to keep safe. Lifeline offer crisis support, available 24/7 on 13 11 14, or online: https://www.lifeline.org.au/  

If you’d prefer to reach out to us, we’re on 1300 22 4636, or you can use our webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/  

If there’s ever an immediate risk of harm, the number to call is 000 (triple zero).   

Thanks again for sharing. We hope you'll hear back from our community in response to your post sometime today and that there's some comfort in that for you.  

Kind regards,   

[randomxx]

Hiya Dollie .

l'm so sorry your feeling all these things. Was it really only 12 , or was that a typo? If not your an incredible writer tbh God you'd have nothing to worry about , far far far from dumb so hey , don't be so hard on yourself eh.

But as l said too, really sad to hear you feeling this way to yaknow, thinking  and worrying so much at so young, your putting way way way too much pressure on yourself. Are there any fun things to do or stuff going on you'd like to do or get into in your spare time yaknow, growing ups about fun to and it also not only makes us happy but helps too in chilling us out a bit and offsetting our worries as well. 

Sorry pretty late eyes are sore but just on the friends thing to look friends, yaknow, especially for girls. They're usually up down and every which way every 5mins but things usually blow over so try not to worry about that stuff either eh.

rx

[Dollie]

Hii randomxx,

I'm so grateful for your reply! :3

Thank you so much! 

No it was not a typo, I'm about to turn 13 soon though.

I understand that I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself but I am unsure on how to remove this pressure.

Everyday I just feel like this pressure is crushing and suffocating me and it's killing me.

I feel like everyone just see's this happy, positive girl but I feel as if I'm dying on the inside.

I don't understand how to feel this "pure joy."

Maybe I've felt it but I've never really felt that happy before.

I feel as if the once vibrance of my life from jokes and friendship is gone, hue less, dull.

I just don't understand or know how to add happiness back into my life.

Thanks for replying x

-Dollie

[randomxx]

Ah absolute pleasure dollie. l know my reply was pretty basic but eh, basics are good when we get to a point of filling our heads with too much crapola. There's a saying , back to basics, because that's grounding, the simple things help us get back on track and clear out all the stupid fluff in our heads, yaknow.

Pure joy, tbh, that's a really big ask in life though most of the time none of us feel pure joy too often, that one's more like a few fleeting moments as we go along if we're lucky so try to lighten that expectation up to eh. But hey just some feel good or fun though on the other hand, some happy, in whatever form and to any degree,just some time out, doesn't matter whatever, is a bit more doable and it makes allllll the difference- the pure joy bits will just happen when they do. 

Got any hobbies or interests for wkends and after school? Even just getting outside in the air, nature, sun, makes all the difference but if there's anything fun that you'd like to get into, even better. lf not right now though that doesn't matter these things usually just come to us when they do or we stumble over something, nothin to worry about.

Got any pets ?

Anyway, it's the wkend, try and enjoy some of it eh.

rx

[Dollie]

Haii randomxx,

Didn't have any weekend plans, what about you?

I understand pure joy is one of those rare things that you can't just find you just come across it.

Yet I barely have any of those happy moments either.

I look like I do, constantly smiling and laughing, making jokes.

But its never genuine, it's more like an act and performance.

It's exhausting hiding my emotions from everyone.

The pressure constantly feels like it builds up and it feels like I have nobody to cry too, to lye on their shoulders and talk about my struggles my real raw emotions.

I've perfected this mask, this performance and act.

I could cry in the school bathroom for hours and minutes then walk into 6th period smiling and laughing.

Crying at night, wanting to die, not in the casual way people just say easily, in the way that I genuinely write goodbye letters and wonder what would happen if I die.

There's things about me that people can't understand and stories that I had that no 12 year old should go through.

But for now nobody will nothing my tear stained eyes.

The ones that hold betrayal, anger, anguish and this ambigiuous pain that nobody my age will understand.

As I'm crying writing this, already waiting for tomorrow where I smile and joke with my brother, ask what's for breakfast, I know nobody will understand me and see the mask slip.

Notice the forced laughter matched with my emotionless eyes.

Thanks for responding x

-Dollie

[Dollie]

Hi angels,

Recently I've been so overworked and overwhelmed and just so exhausted with everything.

I keep thinking how much longer I can keep going, how much longer I can pretend that I'm okay.

When honestly I'm not.

The pressure keeps getting too me, and I feel so unproductive and overwhelmed.

With the pressure and towering expectation I drown myself with.

With the homework and exams piling up next too me, and acting like I'm fine.

When deep inside I'm drowning, I picture myself, my arms are flailing around me, but my voice quiet, too quiet too ask for help and too quiet to face that I need help.

Too quiet to think that maybe everything isn't okay.

It feels like a performance that's quiet and deliberate.

I act like I'm happy and okay, saying everything is fine.

When really it's not, I don't know what too do anymore and what to expect from myself.

It doesn't help that I overthink as well, a once simple situation unveils into an immaculate and gargantuan situation where the character can't do anything but watch her life crumble away until it's nothing.

How much longer can I keep up with this facade until I truly can't keep up with it..?

-Dollie

[white knight]

Hi again,

Have you seen a GP?

Also, since the beginning of you posting here there's no mention of a holiday or at least breaks in between tasks. The mind simply cant function fully without stops, chill out, listen to music. 

TonyWK