Dealing with end of life as I knew it. Massive changes in my life.

[Doors24]

Hello,

The last seven months have been nothing but massive upheaval and changes. I already suffered from anxiety and depression. These changes have made everything worse and I feel so isolated.

 I went through and currently am still experiencing a medical trauma starting seven months ago. But life still went on whilst I was having to deal with that.

 I lost my amazing dog due to illness and old age whilst I was having treatment and there was nothing I could physically, mentally or emotionally do for her. I was too unwell to help her. She wasn’t alone. As a family dog. But 15 years and she is just gone and the house is so quiet. She was quite a large dog,so her presence is so noticeably absent in just space alone. And that was only two weeks ago.

Then just two weeks later, my family member who has lived with me down my end of the house, moved out. We have spent our childhood together and almost 15 years of our adult lives co-habitating in this space together. Indirectly, we became part of each other’s daily routine by just sounds alone. Even if we didn’t speak directly to each other, we could hear each other living our lives in our rooms. I’d hear their alarms go off in the morning. I could hear them working from home during the day on phone calls and walking up and down the hallway to get coffees or something to eat. At night I could hear them laughing at the tv, taking a shower in the bathroom or even using the toilet spray in the toilet. (The walls are thin in this house). I have become so used to those daily sounds being in my life. I could go to sleep at night comforted by the sounds coming out of the room next door. I felt and have always felt safe living with this sibling being in the next room. And in the space of just 16 hours on the one day, they packed up all their belongings and emptied that room. That morning they lived here. By that night they no longer live here. And they aren’t coming back to live here again. They have called their new place their home verbally.

And whilst I am genuinely happy for that sibling to have finally found their own space and independence. It is just another loss too quickly after the last. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to see all these spaces empty or once belong to someone else, but now know that they don’t. It is so incredibly sad and overwhelming and I can’t process it fast enough and my depression is getting worse.

I feel so isolated. I can’t talk about anything I am feeling with the family members left in this house. I have tried and tried. They are emotionally unavailable and are legitimately unable to have real connection type of conversations. The person I was connected to the most in this house,is the one who moved out.

 I just don’t know what to do. I have to walk past their empty door everytime I leave my own room. The silence is so prominent. The grief is so raw. I dream about my dog at night. My house used to be full of life and happiness and now it is full of unhappy people and no connection to one another. We can’t have a discussion together. We are all feeling like there is a dark shadow over our house and waiting for the next thing to happen. I am all alone. Being unwell, I can’t leave this space either. 

 I just need someone to talk to or be heard or have a human connection with. I am not dealing with this well. Any changes are hard for me to process and just this year alone, there has been too many massive changes in short succession.

Thank you for taking the time to read this or respond.

Doors 24

[Doors24]

Hello Indigo22,
You made a good point about being young and dealing with such heavy issues. I have strongly believed that in schools there needs to be educational classes on mental health and life skills as well as the others. That way a child can recognise it when something isn’t quite right in their life and may have intervention earlier. It would also set teens up for living in the real world and what is to come.
My soul cat was killed by two dogs. They came from the neighbours. I still can’t talk about it a lot. But it has brought a lot a guilt, hate, shame and reality into my life. I have a lot of these feelings towards myself, but equal amounts towards other humans who were involved and took no accountability for it. When he was taken and so cruelly, it was that much more devastating. The reality of the safety of my home, suddenly changed it from a home to a just a house.Home is somewhere you feel safe,relax and look forward to being in that space. I just broke and the world dropped out from under my feet. The naivety that if I followed all the rules, then everyone else should have too.I now know just because I do the right thing, there are plenty of people who don’t and also don’t have a second thought about it too. That is why I had my second breakdown. I did write him a letter on his first birthday without him. To say all the things I wanted too. But anger still dominates. Healing takes a long time.
I am glad that you can see things for yourself from different perspectives and that they give you hope. It must have taken alot of time to achieve this. It is also commendable when life still is life. I would like the confidence one day to be able to achieve things like this.
I can recognise my qualities like strength and resilience, even kindness. I am just not sure what to do with them that make a impact in my life.
I think it is commendable that you want to give your cat the life they so deserve and happiness in their golden years. They are welcome and wanted. And that is how life should have always been for them.
And I hope you are enjoying your weekend with them.
Doors24

[indigo22]

Hi Doors24,

Looking at your last reply, I am not sure if you have seen the second post I sent prior to your reply.

I couldn't agree with you more about what is taught in schools. Education should be about learning all the basics early on and then nurturing young peoples talents, whatever that may be, building confidence, teaching them about self esteem and self worth. The current education system is designed to produce robots that don't question anything because they think it is normal.

There is no denying that the world we live in is harsh for those of us who are highly sensitive, we struggle to live in such a harsh environment because we can see how things could and should be. But having said that, it is also an opportunity for us to choose to be the change we want to see in the world. I have a strong spiritual side to me (I am not talking about religion) and the way I see what is happening in the world is that all the darkness that has been hiding out of sight reeking havoc, is now being brought to the surface for all to see. One person cannot change the world, but one person can make changes in themselves to bring more lightness into the world. When enough individuals have made those changes in themselves, it will impact everything around them as well. Things will automatically begin to change and we will begin to see a world that is very different from the one we currently live in. I truly believe it is why we are here at this time and I will see that change taking place within my lifetime. That is a reason for hope in itself.

What tools do you have to manage your mental health, has your therapist given you some things you can do when you are having a difficult time coping? Although I have not used it myself, a fellow member here has said that an app called 'Smiling Mind' has been a helpful tool so I thought I would mention it in case you want to try it.

How are you feeling physically at present, are you getting a little stronger? I do hope so.

You know, seeing different perspectives is easier than you might think but it does take practise. It begins with asking yourself "what if". This may be a difficult concept at present but "what if" the things you have experienced have been for a reason. What if they have helped you become more compassionate? Or more empathetic? Or more loving? Or more resilient? If you look back at who you were as a child, what have you learned from your life experiences that are a positive change to who you have become?

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I fell into the victim mindset initially like I imagine most people do with that diagnosis. I was angry and couldn't believe after caring for everyone else, I was left alone to deal with it. My initial words were "haven't I already been through enough". But at some point not that long after my diagnosis, I decided that there may be a different way of looking at the diagnosis. What if this is not a death sentence for me as it had been for my family members, what if this is my wake up call to take better care of myself going forward. I began to see the cancer as my bodies way of showing me the result of all the enormous stress I had been under and somehow I just knew I was going to be okay. I had checkups for the first 5 years (they recommended 10 years) but after 5 years of being clear, I said I am not coming back for any more checkups despite them trying to convince me it was a mistake. I didn't think of myself as being in remission, I saw myself as cancer free and I was not about to let someone else's opinion sway what I knew to be true. It is now a couple of months shy of 10 years and it hasn't returned and I believe it never will.

It has taken a long time to be able to see things differently, but is something worth trying as often as you can so it becomes second nature.

Sending hugs your way,

indigo 💜

[Doors24]

Dear indigo22,

Thank you for your thought-provoking reply.

I am sorry if I have missed anything in previous posts. I am still having a strong amount of mind fog due to treatment, and I often forget to turn off light switches if I don't have it written down on a post it. I tend to reply to the last post I can see.

It sounds alot as is you don't let fear drive your mind. I am not at that stage or ability yet; but it sounds so freeing to be able to do so. Hopeful too. I am very happy you have already reached your ten-year milestone. After what you shared about your diagnosis, that has got to be a huge relief and accomplishment. Your ability to just life your life is inspiring. Especially after the emotional juggernaut that is run, and sometimes for months.

My MH professionals haven't really provided me with alot of tools for really hard days. We haven't delved that much into treating the traumas that have brought me here to today. I do know some tapping exercises. I know that puts your body into a alpha rhythm. But I am currently trying to bring myself back into the moment and use my 5 senses to ground myself when I am overwhelmed. I guess it depends on what works for you or speaks through the fog and is heard crystal clear. Everyone is different.

Physically I was very down a few days ago, but the last two have been surprisingly close to my normal-ish self. And I am hungry for the first time in weeks. Thank you for asking. Fatigue is yo-yo right now.

Second nature is often the key. It is just the starting it and staying the course, that can often be the hurdle.

I am slowly also seeing an improvement in being away from my sibling who moved out. I feel a tiny bit less lost at night. Without the noise.

Thanks Indigo,

Doors24

[indigo22]

Hello Dorrs24,

I am so glad to hear that things are slowly improving both physically and with the change in the house with your sibling being gone.

I have been distracted the past few days as I brought in 2 more cats from one of the local shelters and have been focused on managing the hissing, spitting and growling. My reasoning was that these are 2 girls which I believe will help the male with PTSD in the long term and I am happy to say that now the initial tension is easing, he has today been back in the lounge room in one of his favourite spots. He has not been in the lounge for quite a few weeks and mostly stays in a cardboard box that I set up for him as a safe spot at the back of the house. It's lovely to see him feeling a little bit safer.

My experience with cancer was different to yours. I had vulval cancer (rare one effecting only about 1% of the population) I had four operations in four months which was at times excruciating in such a tender location, but did not need chemo or radiation. I would have declined both after seeing my brother go through chemo.  So in my mind, you are courageous for going through it and coming out the other side despite leaving you with some after effects to work through. I am happy to hear you are getting your appetite back again.

I used to be somewhat fearful in my younger years but when I went through the rage for 2 years, I was not afraid of anything. I yelled at a stranger who broke into the house while I was having an afternoon nap and told him in no uncertain terms what he should do (if you get my meaning). I think I surprised him and he left but not without having taken some personal belongings with him which I only realised after he left. He was looking for drugs which I didn't have or use, but someone had left a syringe in my recycle bin so assumed it was me I am guessing. I can't really recall having been afraid of anything since, anger is an expression of fear but it didn't feel like fear to me, it felt like strength and taking back my power that I had relinquished for so many years. I was not about to let anyone mess with me without a fight.

I like your 5 senses grounding exercise, I am sure that is helpful to you. It's good you have some tapping exercises too. Have you tried any meditation? It doesn't need to be seated, I have some difficulty with that, but things like Tai Chi or Yoga are a form of meditation and walking meditation is also a thing you could try if you felt inclined. I know you would not have the energy at present but perhaps when you are feeling stronger.

I hope you are having a restful weekend,

sending healing thoughts.

indigo 💜

[Doors24]

Dear Indigo22,

It has been interesting to hear about your last few days. Intergrating new family members is definitely a process. And I am glad they are helping your male find his feet and his favourite spot again. It is lovely you are going to such hard work to make their lives better.

Recovery is hard. I am starting to get more paranoid that I will get a new cancer, now that I have completed treatment .I am just scared that I will have to experience all of this again. And very quickly too. But I can’t say too many people would say they would want to repeat their experiences. And four surgeries sound pretty hard to me. So I think you are courageous too.

I haven’t tried yoga or meditation. My mind tends to wonder too much. But I think I could retrain myself to focus. I might do better in a class setting though.

Life is recalibrating itself. I have seen my sibling a few times at my house. I still don’t like their empty room. That bothers me the most. It is so tiny and empty without a life living in it. I miss them a lot. I think there is less laughter now they are gone. I am also slightly envious of their freedom now too. But they earned it.

 I hope your fur family are continuing to get along,

Doors24

[indigo22]

Hi Doors24,

I have had my hands full with the two females from the shelter. First it was conjunctivitis, then cat flu and the latest is ringworm which I realised after finding ringworm on my arm. No idea who has it but treating everyone because they are probably all affected by it. The two boys should be better off as they have been on a healthy diet and supplements since they have been here. The Naturopath said that this is usually due to a lowered immune system so I just need to build up the girls now. They have all been on lousy diets so it will take some time to get them all healthy again but we'll get there. They are all mostly living in harmony now with just the occasion hiss or growl.

I watched an Animal Communication Summit in the last few days which I found really interesting and wanted to share with you what one of the communicators talked about. She also communicates with pets that have passed and said that in all of the communications she has done, none of the pets held any emotions about their passing, they only expressed that they are still with their guardians and hear and see what is going on in their lives. They express their love and gratitude for the life they had and only remember the love and care they were given during their life with their guardian. I hope perhaps this may bring you some comfort. If you would like to read more about this, her name is Karen A Anderson and reading her books 'The Amazing Afterlife of Animals' and 'The Pet I Can't Forget' would be a healing thing to do for yourself. These may also be on audiobook if that would be easier for you.

How are you progressing physically? Are you eating well now? That will help with the brain fog once you are back to nourishing yourself with healthy food. It's good to hear you have been spending time with your sibling, I know it is not the same and there is still that emptiness in the house, but it does sound like you are slowly finding ways to adjust to the new situation.

The one thing I would ask of you is to try your best not to allow yourself to live in the fear of your cancer returning, try instead to feel grateful that it is now behind you and focus on regaining your health for living your best life going forward, you deserve to give that gift to yourself. You may also want to read the post that I think you missed, it is the last post on page 2 of this thread.

May you continue to recover in quick succession from today forward.

Thinking of you with care,

indigo 💜

[Doors24]

Dear Indigo22,

Thank you for your reply in what seems like a hectic time for you. The fur family at least sound as if they are getting on better and hopefully your goal of helping your gentlemen cat with his ptsd is slowly gaining traction. It is alot of work when they get sick. And it definitely sounds like you have had your hands full. And probably an empty wallet too. My elderly girl dog has been to the vets too lately and it has been quite expensive. But I love her too much to not go to those expenses.

It is interesting what the communication summit said. However I am a bit of a sceptic when it comes to communicating with the departed.

I did take your point about being too much of a realist and black and white. I believe it is a balance of being aware of reality and not wanting to talk myself into believing things that aren’t real. If I talk myself into things, I won’t grow. If I am real, then it is hard, but I will grow in reality and within my actual limitations. But each does comes with pros and cons.

 I also heard your point about not living too much in fear of cancer returning. I am eating and I am feeling better then I have been. Some hair is growing back, but not on my head. But it is a good sign. I am just exhausted, but got some good news about my diagnosis. Onto just surveillance now. So now my head and body just wants to rest for at least the weekend before I continue to try and push through the mental fog and keep organising my schedule. 

I am aware of my reply size, so I will say that I have read your last reply and the post I may have missed. and I do see some good advice in them.

So thank you,

I hope you have a good weekend.

Doors24

[indigo22]

Hi Doors24,

I am so glad to hear your good news, you must be feeling so relieved to know that you don't need any more treatment. You made it through the hardest part, now you can focus on getting your health (and hair) back.

I hope you have been able to get some good rest and are starting to feel a little less exhausted. Is the fog starting to lift a little? There are many foods that are considered Brain Food, an internet search would give you some of the foods that will help with clearing the fog and help you cognitively. Avocado, broccoli, walnuts, hemp seeds, ground flax seeds and chia seeds are some examples of this type of food which are easy to incorporate into your daily meals. If they are organic, even better.

Things have settled more with the fur family and there is mostly harmony in the house which is good to see. My boy with ptsd seems to be feeling more peaceful too so I think the strategy is working for him. They all eat within a few inches of each other without any problems except for the ones who finish first and try to steal some extra from the slower eaters 😅. I have to keep an eye on them so that doesn't happen but there is always a little left over in someone's dish that they happily finish off. It is so lovely to have a family again, even if it is a fur family, which is less stressful in many ways than a human family as you are well aware.

It is fine to be sceptical, just try to keep an open mind to the possibility. I have felt cats jump on the bed after they have passed, they find a way to let us know they are still around.

I have a lot of housework to catch up on today, boring job but it needs doing so will have to bite the bullet.

Keep me updated on how you are travelling,

indigo 💜

[Doors24]

Dear Indigo22,

I am happy to hear from you again.

Thank you for your recommendations about brain food. I am trying to eat better.

It is great that your fur family brings you so much joy, comfort and purpose. And that they are working as a unit now.

 I am still dealing with brain fog. I am getting much better physically and did a few things by myself for the first time in months, this week. I can’t tell you how freeing that was or boost to my confidence it has brought. Just the small things have meant so much.

 I am coming up against a few things though:

I am eating alot. Even when I am full, I still eat everything around me. I think I want a Dopamine hit or happy chemicals. So I eat. I will need to get a handle on that before it becomes a issue. I would be happier if I was eating salad or vegetables, but that is not the case.

 I wake up every morning and don’t want to get out of bed. I have no purpose and feel like I have another day to pass…again. Groundhog day. I need to find a way to rephrase that to myself to change it from a negative narrative.

 I thought the tick of approval from the medical oncologist meant I would get a break from the hospital. But I am back there 3 more times before I go for my next oncology appointment. These appointments are for other things, but I just wanted a break. If my phone pings a message has come in or I get a letter in the mail, I dread it now. Just more appointments and I get stressed out about how I am going to schedule them all. So I need to find a strategy to not automatically react in a stressful manner.

And last but not least my treatment has given me menopausal hot flashes. The night sweats are the worst and sleep has been horrible for weeks now. So I am trying to figure out what works for me.

But a positive is, my elderly dog who passed away during my treatment, her birthday is coming up and I promised her I would light a candle for her on it. So I went to find one at the shops and I found one that smells like a croissant. The dog went to the bakery every week for years and I thought it was a fitting candle for her. So I am now set for that to be how I remember her on what should of been her 15th birthday.

 I hope you get all your house work done. I personally like cleaning.

Doors 24

[indigo22]

Hi Doors24,

I'm so sorry I have not been coming back to you more quickly. To be completely honest, I am going through a bit of overwhelm at present and when that happens I tend to shut down to a large degree. I have let BB know that I need to step back from the forums for a couple of weeks to give myself time to get on top of the things that are weighing me down and will be back as soon as I am able to. I just wanted you to know so that you are aware of my situation and so you are not left wondering.

I will respond to your last post properly after the break and continue our conversations.

I hope you are doing ok, please look after yourself and we will talk again soon.

indigo 💜